Far and Away

Morning @Faith-and-Hope, @ Zoe7, good to share my morning cuppa with you. Yesyesyes! I love the garden pics and bookshelves.

When I was unwell in hospital and couldn't sleep I tidied all the hospital ward bookshelves, obcessively - weird (for me) They, the staff just ignored me and wouldn't even let me put main light on (because I was suppose to be trying to sleep I guess) But my point is - I think tidy bookshelves and even such ordered gardens give a sense of control we need. Especially when there's unwanted upheavals in our lives (families, finances, relationships, renovations, work woes, thoughts and feelings). We want so much for our family, our home to run smoothly and be happy.

I sense F&H that your S2 needing psychological support has made you feel you failed in some way, and its weighing heavy on you since. Sometimes we over think these things, especially when lacking the usual 'confidants' to casually let off steam with. But I am reminded of the saying "guilt is like a rocking chair, it keeps us moving but gets us nowhere" We want to help but cant. Not that you feel guilt like me, but we love our kids, and worked our 'labour of love' for them and want purity for them, not suffeting, and we use to be able to provide that when they were young. Kidults (love that word), kidults are so different, we live in a broken world, with so many variable, its not your fault.

There i go, rambling again, thinking out loud sorry, just care and trying to put another piece in your puzzle for you, to inspire you to keep going. You're actually doing ok. Oft when we feel we can't take anymore - change is just around the corner. Don't give up 💜

I try to find little joys amid the caos to get through the day, and remind ourselves we love being homemakers (mums). You have so many wonderful giftings to work with F&H. Just keep them alive, and keep loving others, and being your own best friend (with God who loves you).

Haha, soeaking to myself today, havent had vegies for days, body is protesting, I need to make my Vegies Soup. Better sign off and get something done.

Bye for now, chin up 🙂 🌷🌿

Thanks @Former-Member ..... that's really lovely, and it is supportive to how I feel, but it's probably a bit different that what you might expect ......

Learning that this is about personality types and traits means that the only difference I could possibly have made, I think, would have been in recognising up-front what these personality types were, and what they needed in order to keep things on the positive .......

This is one gianormous learning curve, and I think I'm a bit travel sick, certainly travel weary ......

I couldn't possibly have recognised the personality types and traits for a couple of reasons ...... one was that my family make-up is very different, and although I think my sister matches this arena very well, she is an absolute extreme, and intellectually delayed / disabled, so she is a stand-out from our family for those reasons. What I am learning now tells me that she has some sort of personality disorder, but I am not even going there ..... she has a life balance going on that works well enough for her, and she doesn't even live in my town (I am the person she sees as an adversary more than anyone else). If we end up responsible for her and needing to move her tommy town, I will revisit it then .....

The other thing was that WH's family were in upheaval over other broken relationships and business deals gone bad when I met them, so this masked the personality stuff that was hidden beneath it all. When it started to show was in the last couple of months before WH and I married, and it really upset me cos there was all this passive-aggressive carry-on around the wedding arrangaments, but here was lil 'ol butterflies-and-flowers me thinking it was all just a series of misunderstandings and I should try harder to smooth things over and help everybody get along ...... :face_with_rolling_eyes: ..... that would have been fine if everybody wanted to get along ..... soon after getting married, after being emotionally abused for a while, I woke up to the fact that everybody was so busy with their power-plays ..... and they wanted power, not harmony, that I put up some boundaries and defenses and stepped back from them all. That worked for a while, anyway.

Because my kids are geeky-arty like me, and apart from being strong willed, I didn't see the other things that mark the personality type that S2, and I think at least another two of my other kids are carrying, because as he explained to me very early in the discussion, he had it turned inwards ......

The others obviously have too, and it leaks or bursts out when they are upset, because that's when they become vindictive and controlling .... but having so many vindictive and controlling personalities around us here, I had thought it was learned behaviour, and I am probably using all the right sort of techniques to deal with it anyway, just ignorant of the real reason it's happening and what support the kids need to be able to curb the negatives and enhance the positives.

Going to see my psych today cos, apart from anything else, I wanna know what the good news is .....

When my D2 was born, I had people telling me how sorry they were ..... and it confused me ..... along with telling me about everything she wouldn't be able to do, and how hard that would make our lives ..... I stunned the hospital staff by aking what she would be able to do ..... and celebrating that I had twin daughters - both valued, both wanted .... I just wanted to know what I could do to help her, the way you want to help anybody who has struggles above and beyond "the norm"
.... whatever that is.

I am feeling overwhelmed. There is going to be a lot to learn .... but getting educated means dealing with it ..... understanding what we can of it all ..... and applying strategies and skills to help is work our new reality.

Feeling like I could use a lot of hugs tho ..... 😔

Thank you @Shaz51 ...... ❤️

@Zoe7 ..... as painful as it is in this moment, I firmly believe we are headed for better, not worse. Our family will be given skills and understandings to deal with this ...... and all your hugs are helping me to be a brace storm-walker ......

I don't doubt that I can do this. That is my faith sustaining me ...... but I can't do it alone ..... I need help and support as much as anyone else ...... and you are a valued part of my support team ......

I can come here and cry, and be afraid at times, and feel a bit despondent, but it will all shift and move forward as I take the baby steps I have to take .....

I have the images of your butterfly girl, and that amazing field of flowers close by in my mind ..... and @Zoe7 -green in my painting ..... you are close by me and that is enough, without words ...... just to have you, and my other forum friends with me, and understanding.

I'm gonna go after my WH at some point, and try to bring him back to me, to our love, but that is for the future ..... he will have to walk in his own strength and faith for a while and all I will be able to do is what I am doing now ..... walking him home.

🦋💜💕

Thinking of you @Faith-and-Hope
And sending you love and hugs.
😙❤💙💚💛💜💗💟💕
🌷🌼🌹🌸🌻🌺🌷 and flowers

Hi @Zoe7 💗💕🌸🌼🌹

Thank you so much @Zoe7 ..... it means the world to me to hear you say that ...... ❣️

Thank you @Former-Member ..... 💐

Just back from my counselling appointment. Bouncing off the psych, he can see where everything is starting to confirm what we have been talking about over the last couple of years.

So .... while things are working themselves out, I am going to have to take myself far and away from it, as I have been doing ..... with walking, and painting, and gardening, and rebuilding my house from the inside out ..... and ..... try to reduce my stress loading ..... !!

Think I will go for a walk now ..... 😏