Alcohol & Personality Changes

Hi @Nikolai,

yes, shame is an interesting thing. I can't say that I understand shame and why we hold onto it. Perhaps it is a deep-seated awareness that we have transgressed our personal boundaries to such an extent that we were not ourselves at all. Does it then become an identity questioning thing?

If other people can forgive us, then why can't we let it go?

As for myself, I am very aware that there are people who I have known who do not forgive me the things I've done to them.... well, that's their choice and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am thinking of one person in particular - a close friend - who I have not seen for over 10 years. But in her case I don't really feel ashamed of my behavior.... I only feel that I did what I had to do (even though I would do things a bit differently now!!)

I guess you might want to talk about this will a counsellor, if you have one.

Confession: yesterday I had one drink. I didn't feel much different after it and I had little desire to have another one. I felt mildly happy that I was able to limit myslef to just one.

I had a really good day, yesterday.

How are you doing?

Hi @Sahara

Totally agree, shame is a very interesting thing. And I believe you are right when you talk about it becoming an identity crisis when we cross boundaries we never thought we would.

Unfortunately, no counsellor for me at the moment.

And, I must admit, I did have a glass of wine yesterday too.
I stopped at one thankfully!

I have been under a lot of stress both at work and home recently, so I am quite proud of stopping at one, usually that would be a sure fire way for me to go on a bender.

@Nikolai,

I don't have a counsellor either at the moment. I would still think of getting one if something serious came up for me, especially with this non-drinking business.... emotions are bound to pop up.

I talked to friend last night on the phone and she was really positive and uplifting. I have been going through some unexpected feelings related to memories lately.... often very good feelings. My friend said she thought I was the most 'open' I've ever been in my life.

Congratulations on only taking one drink! Same as me.

Maybe we can support each other?

@Nikolai I was on medication until about 4 months ago, when I took myself off it. I still use a very small dose of anti-psychotic to sleep but am hoping to be able to stop that soon. I'm trying to get chemical-free but that doesn't include alcohol. I'm really just wanting to limit what I do after drinking. My regret comes sometimes from the way I behave after a certain number of drinks, especially when I feel like there's a good reason to relax - that seems to give me a permission that leads to problems.

Thanks @Ellu,

I have heard nothing but good things about AA. It is something I would consider doing, if I felt the need.

Congrats of being a couple of years sober. Great work.

I am only on day 2 alcohol free, after taking one drink on Wednesday. I feel very positive, though. My main problem is just that I avoid all my emotions all the time and drinking alcohol enables me to do this.

When I am stone cold sober, I avoid all my emotions, too. I am very repressed and emotionally inhibited. I don't know if I will ever get over it.

I don't take any meds anymore. I used to have severe depression but it seems to have gone away, for now. I still suffer from anxiety. I am anxious about everything.... even feelings of happiness make me anxious... go figure!

@Sahara

I am really glad you were able to open up to your friend, it can be incredibly difficult!

And absolutely, I would be thrilled to have some support, and more than happy to support you 🙂

Hi @Ellu

Thanks for your story and your perspective on it.

I honestly had never considered AA, I guess I never considered it for the issues I have with alcohol, but it is great to know that it is an option for me.

I am BPD & Bipolar II, also on a small cocktail of medication, I know I really shouldn't drink but my willpower struggles some days.

@Former-Member

I wish you the best in going off your medication, unfortunately I am on meds for the rest of my life, but I have come to accept that.

Just curious, what types of medication do they usually use for DID?

Hi @Nikolai,

so.... lets support each other.... let's not drink today. Think about other stress-relieving stuff we could do. Do you like yoga? Walking?

It's funny, my friend who said I seemed 'open' is extremely interested in psychology for a number of reasons... so talking to her is a little like being psychoanalyzed! She was also able to offer some insight into the meaning of a some dreams I've been having lately. I take her advice with a grain of salt, though, so don't worry. I would seek professional help the moment I thought I needed it.

I did a little bit of reading about shame. I will have to do some more. It seems I was kind of on the money... shame is reated to deep feelings that there is something bad about or wrong with our very being. It's not about what we have done; it's more about who we believe we are. Sort of. That's why we say "I feel ashamed of myself" rather than "I feel guilty for what I've done." The two are related but different.

@Nikolai, I don't think you are a bad person. You would not be trying tackle your issues if you were 'bad'. You wouldn't even care. But you do care and you have made amends with people in your life. Try to be present and focus on the here and now. Let's not drink today.

Hi @Sahara

I think that's a great idea, I have guests coming over tonight, so it will be a great opportunity for me to abstain, lime and soda for me tonight!

I do quite a bit of stress management techniques, I practice meditation, listen to classical music, walk, do yoga, and worst comes to worst I just sleep and hope for a better tomorrow.

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words.

One of the curses of BPD is the black and white thinking.
"I can't be a good person if I make mistakes"

Working hard on it though.