Just checking in.

@utopia - it's good for my anxiety if when out and things go belly up that I don't have far to go home or a safe refugee to escape if necesssry (can make a quick getaway). That gives me more confidence to go to different places and events. And the more we do get out facing the anxiety, the more anxiety loses it grip. But there is nothing like having a safety plan as a mental back up when anxious thoughts kick in.

Hopefully that won't be the case for you - being with your best friend you should have a ball. And weddings are so romantic - it should be magical. Is there someone at the wedding you can talk to a lot to ward off noticing the crowds? Have a good time tomorrow my friend 💕

@Former-Member - you and me both. It's been a rough year. It won't always be that way for you. I thought that once, I suffered agrophobia when I had a breakdown 5 years ago (grief, illness, trauma etc caused)), and could not leave the house on my own for a few years. I slowly faced my anxiety and stepped out a bit at a time - now I go out a lot. Never could even hold friendships because of it, now I have a few very good friends. Things can and do change 💕

I don't mind you asking at all @Former-Member. My s3 is the only one who hasn't and won't get help. S4 is linked in with headspace and S1 has a psychologist he sees, S2 has got help before too. S3 won't have a bar of it. I took him to Child mental health services when he was 12 for issues (he kept wanting me to crash the car so we could both die) This was a few years before my major breakdown. He hated it. Then when things were bad in our family I took him to see my GP to talk to. Pretty much refused to speak to him. I also took him to see my counsellor and he was rude to her 😬 He doesn't see anything wrong with him although he has occasionally said he has to do something (usually exercise) so he doesn't get depressed so I guess he's aware of that. He has ADHD too so impulsive erratic behaviour is part of him. I would imagine that he will come up BPD one day too. Part of it is my fault. I never understood any emotion regulation until I was diagnosed, he had no hope of learning it and he has been abandoned by all 3 adults in charge of his care including me when I was really unwell by the time he was 16. He has lots of things he will need to learn as an adult. He is 19 now but will take years before he'll work much of it out. His choices of late have been atrocious too but avoids all relationships. He drinks too much and is often wild without boundaries....but I don't live with any of this or his moods. He has lived with another family since he was 16. He is lucky in that his second mum has adopted him as one of hers and she has been great for him, perhaps demonstrating lots of healthy behaviours and emotion regulation.

My abandonment is not with my kids. Strangely I don't fear it. It was all my intimate relationships with men and I guess close friends. From 16 until 3 years ago when I completely broken, the longest I was out of a relationship was 4 months....and that was between my ex husband and ex partner. The latest in my string of fear of abandonments is with my mental health support professionals. Last year it played out really badly with my psychologist. The fear drove me to insanity at times. I was seeing her twice weekly. But as of the last 24 hours I think there is something underlying it a bit.

Ive tried to imagine what it must be like as the mum of your daughter with her abuser but can't fathom it either. I know you must feel like you've been put in a straight jacket and made to watch the show. It sounds truly horrific at times. I am probably more like your daughter and can't cope with being consoled. I tend to pull away and hide to deal with it all on my own because it's the only way I can control myself and not get sucked in to something I can't control. I've been this way all my life. I turn mine inwards though. I rarely lash out but have a few times in terrible ways I'm ashamed of. I turn to SH and needing to switch off the motherload of emotions. But I didn't always do this, before my breakdown I would just hide and cry myself to sleep for days. Or for a while I would drive off for hours.

I don't know if any of this helps💜🤗

Dear @TAB

life before marraige.....

My mother has been doing narscassistic tirades at me for years and years. The one I remember the most.......

You did the best thing. No wonder that you walked away. If I remember properly ....you have diagnosis of bipolar....

What was your reaction to his bad behaviour when you were young?

HAs it changed now your older?

@utopia I really admire how you have back up plans. Crossing fingers that the wedding and New Years Eve go well. What a huge weekend!

I'm having a strange time trying to learn how to disclose stuff without justifying myself. Once I start justifying anything I'm down my rabbit hole so fast, I self destruct. I'm glad you know where to disclose and where to not. It's so good we have here to not worry about it all.💜🤗

Hiya @PeppiPatty 👋

Was that last post to me, I'm sorry I wasn't quite sure. Think I must be getting tired. How are you?

Hello my dear friends @utopia, @Former-Member, @Former-Member

thankyou for thinking of me xx

we recieved a one night accomadation at a resort which i won at a cent sale , so we are going to use it this weekend

Had morning tea with my mum, aunty, uncle and cousin this morning

get my hair done tomorrow xx

I'm really pleased for you @Shaz51. That all sounds wonderful and things to look forward too. You deserve it. Wishing you a wonderful time. Enjoy your hair cut too. That's something I could do with. 🤗