Just checking in.

Hovering around this post wanting to pour my heart out but pulling back constantly. Argh 😤 I don’t know how to be me. I don’t know who I am. Over the last 7 years I’ve pulled apart every thought and analysed everything to the point of insanity. I want putting in now, creating the human part. I want to find a person that I can get to know and build on her . I feel like a different person every day. I just feel like an empty shell that when stressed only copes by turning it off. Nothing feels ok. It all feels like a test to survive.

I dont know if this is just a me thing or if others have gone through it. I don’t know what 'normal' experiences are any more. My psych tries to normalise everything but it feels like that is just making me question things more. I’ve had lots of suicidal thinking again and I can’t see past the next month of stuff. 😖:angry_face_with_horns:🤬:bomb:

Be kind to yourself @Teej. Sending you many many hugs

Thanks @Queenie 🙏

💜💜💜 @Teej .....

I hope this suggestion is okay ..... please ignore it if you feel it’s not right for you .....

Can you try to do some small, doesn’t matter how insignificant thing, each day-that-you-feel-able-to, towards who you might like to be ? I will try to explain what that means .....

If you would like to be a garden-loving person, then pull a weed, or turn on the sprinkler, or plant a seedling or two, or prune a shrub. Just do it ..... don’t overthink it.

If you would like to be a person who keeps their house in some sort of order, then fold something, straighten something, sweep something, dust something, put on some washing, do some dishes ..... doesn’t matter what it is ..... tick a box in that direction.

If you would like to be a person who helps others, then hold a door for someone, or take a photo for someone, pick up something that someone has dropped ..... take a step in that direction.

Write “breathe” on the back of your hand, and every time you see it there, take a slightly deeper breath.

It’s not the answer to everything, but I hope it helps. There are so many different versions of who we can potentially be, that this is not just you ..... I think most of us have those “whoops ..... I have

forgotten who I am, or who I am supposed to be ..... or I don’t know how to be ..... moments”.

I know I have. More in the early years of my marriage when narcissistic people began to emerge out of the woodwork around me, and I was so spun out and struggling to cope that I really didn’t know who I was anymore. I had to chart a bit of a course to try to find out. Honestly, I didn’t even know how to dress myself .... what to wear ..... what to put on, which was probably closely related to “who to put on”.

Find small things to build with, like putting pebbles in a jar ..... bits and pieces of who you would like to become. It doesn’t have to be the whole person at once. Gently ..... gently .....

Hugs and hugs 💐💐💐

It was actually really helpful to read @Faith-and-Hope . I think I was looking for fix it ideas more than just having someone listen.

Possibly you hit the nail on the head. I think I’m feeling pressure from others of who to be. I have these labels of who am in the dysfunctional part but every time I try to talk about the putting back together a person I struggle more because it feels like it’s dismissed as me over analysing everything.

I am so scared of everything again. All the gains I made feel like they have blown away like dust in the wind. Scared enough I have been making plans again.

Hearing you @Teej , but wanting to suggest you put the plans away and just concentrate on the little doable things .....

Love you so much Hon. I believe in you and will always walk along with you as far as life allows me to. You’re a part of my work and I appreciate you. I love finding you here ..... I know that’s about me, but it’s about you too ..... I have so many @Teej images in my head ..... memes ..... belly-laughs ..... wry smiles ..... sad and sitting here times ..... it’s the sista-thing and we’ve got it. Always keeping an eye out hoping to see you here 💜💐💕

It seems like a long time ago that I was that person @Faith-and-Hope . Thank you for reminding me. I have become so serious and lost. It’s been a really tough week in lots of ways. I’m going to try to do a puzzle then sleep now. The plans weren’t for tonight although I’ve thought about it lots today. I hope you have a good end to the week. 💜🤗

More hugs incoming @Teej ..... ❣️