Just checking in.

Good morning @Mazarita. Wondering if you're around this morning. Thinking of you while I wait for the sun to rise, hoping you're going well.

@Teej (and anyone else who might be interested in reading/sitting through an epic CB post). You were wondering how the others in my life are doing. I've decided to write a novel just in case you wanted a distraction from some scary feelings today 😉 (I'll tell myself that but really it's probably also that I have a problem with not being able to write short posts). No need to read or reply though, but it's here.

I'm going to see my well and unwell ones today. I'm finding that one a bit tricky as they're finding the stress and sadness hard. In a moment of feels, unwell one opened up about how they don't think they'll see next xmas. I can see that they're hurting and scared. I'd feel more feels for them if they weren't such a .... sometimes, especially to well one. Well one is struggling to manage the demands of caring the way they need to, in particular the physical aspect of it all. I can't do much more than listen and be there when I can. I'm burying the feels about it all knowing it has potential to be a sinking pit of helplessness. I'll use my psych sessions to work through it (or I'll try to at least). Unwell one is soaking up as much kid time as they can though, which means a lot to us. I can let ....ness slide a bit easier when I see mine being loved on and enjoying time together.

In terms of the smaller people, they're doing the normal holiday thing - making mess, arguing, enjoying playing with each other and their things, making more mess, being bored, and having needed down time. My love/hate duo are full on sometimes and either joined at the hip creating chaos or needing to be at other ends of the house. Muddled one is struggling with what appears to be pretty serious anxiety which can pop up when we go out. Because they're kind of a little ball of fire, it comes out loud, intense and urgent. Very tricky to manage especially with the others around and I'll need to get on to more support happening soon. Big now has a phone which means they can wander a little away or sometimes stay at home when we go out locally. We have to learn the buses so they can catch PT to school (two buses on their own which I find scary to think of). I'm not sure I'm ready to let them start to grow wings, or whatever the equivalent fish version is 😉, but I'm going to have to because I can't be in two places at the same time. They're buried in text books already, getting ready for school. Super nerd 🤓😍 All are heading away for a couple of days as I have a couple of appointments that need no crew around. Though I'm coping with these holidays much better than I have for a while, the little break and breathing space is really appreciated. Can you see my happy dance?! It's there.

I've been having trouble with what I think are hormones still adjusting. I had horrible pms for a while and was in limbo land with it, then super cramps and feeling really lethargic and blegh. I maybe feel a little better in that way today though I woke early with a really hurting heart and leaking eyes out of the blue. Sometimes a horrible thought that I should be nearly in my second trimester and not going through this, creeps in. It's a nagging, draggy blueness which has also occurred alongside an increase in my mood stabiliser. I felt blue (or more like dark and twisted) last time I reached this dose which was just before I had to stop it. I see my GP in a couple of days (for an iud - so not yay and maybe also contributing to the 'should be x weeks pregnant' feels) and will talk to her about how to manage that or whether I need to stay at the level before this increase for a while at least.

Reading back, that sounds a lot more negative than I'm actually feeling. I can see 'coping better' happening, which I'm happy with.

Well, I'm going to close this novel by saying that I will be thinking of you today, ready to hear about it (good, bad, ugly or otherwise), with you and here for you if it helps. Rainbow walk to get there? I did that one when I had to go.

Much ❤

😘 thank you heaps @Zoe7. Really appreciate your encouragement (and that you'd sit through a novel 😉). I'm sad and wish it didn't happen, but I'll be OK and I won't sink. Knowing and believing that is maybe progress.

I'm going to play with a hyper furball today, though he has very short fur so furball doesn't really work. He's an absolute tank, full of energy and steam but beautiful and playful. He doesn't do 'sticks', he does 'logs' and 'branches' 😆 I'll think of you with your furball while I'm throwing a ball around 😊❤

Thanks again @Zoe7 😊 I think I'll still search for a rewind life button so I can undo all the unawesome choices I've made, but I'll also hold on to the 'learned something from that one' good that comes from making mistakes (being a human I guess 😉).

Better some kids moving so we can play with Tank (yep, that's going to be his name from now on) 😁👋🐶❤

🙁😔 @Teej. Sorry to hear. Listening when you're ready.

(Grrr to them 😑)