Just checking in.

Sounds like a pretty good day ahead @Mazarita. Mine will be all about December stuff today as part of tradition in our little family. It started early with excited little feet running to find a special delivery of gingerbread house kits and (way too many) lollies for decorating them. I shared in the excitement until the smell of the sweet sickly treats made me actually sick. They've been asked to eat a real breakfast before they dive in which I'm hoping buys me some time for my anti-nausea med to kick in.

So thankful for this space and the amazing people here. Yesterday was definitely not my best day but the sun has risen and with it a new day has started 🙂

That's a lovely thing to say and hear @Mazarita thank you 😊 I feel strange with it all this morning as I sit with my decision knowing the plan was close this chapter starting this morning. Thinking of that with a heart bursting with love for the giggling happy little crew, doesn't work within me. Even silly things like tinsel and carols at the supermarket are triggering big emotions, tears and confusion for me. December is full of big stuff as it is and the timing with what is happening is not OK, though rarely are timing and I friends either. I was so close to taking the first tablet this morning but deep inside I know if I can hold off and tolerate the discomfort just a bit longer and give myself some time to find some peace either way and make a decision I am confident about, I'll be better off.

Thanks for listening Maz. I'm going to jump in the shower and encourage cereal and toast instead of candy canes 😉 and hope this sick passes.

So cool to hear you had a good one yesterday. I'll keep an eye out on another thread to see if you post anymore about it. Hope today is the right kind of day for you. Big hugs ❤

Just popping in quietly to say goodmorning to you both @Mazarita @CheerBear ❤

Good morning lovely (as I sit here procrastinating/enjoying the peace of the morning). I've been starting and not finishing a post to you since yesterday afternoon @outlander. I know you're having lots of jumble and shaky and get how hard that can be. Biggest love to you ❤

That was a warm fuzzy feel post! @CheerBear thank you 💚

Your morning sounds peaceful ( for now lol) ive got some lorikeets outside chirping away which is nice usually we dont have morning bird sounds.

Thank you for understanding and its ok about posting. Theres no pressure at all.

Lots of these to you ❤❤❤🌈🌈🌈🌈

Lovely about the lorikeets @outlander. I'm in the garden at the moment with some warm sun shining through under the lemon tree. It is my little piece of peace in what is otherwise loud and busy. I've pulled out and de-spidered the boxes of sparkly christmas goodies (crap lol) and shaken off the tree which is in the driveway airing out. The kids are watching TV together, something they rarely do (the free to air TV part as it is usually devices). It reminds me of Saturday morning cartoons with my siblings 🙂

That sounds like a wonderful place to be sitting @CheerBear by what youve said youve a lovley garden too.

Im glad you gotten rid of those unwanted creatures. Not such a nice surprise when they run out lol. Ive barely got my act together this yr. Im usually the chrismassy type too. LF are lucky to have you which btw they are sounding pretty cute watching tv together.

*long venty spill warning*

I knew what I needed to do, it's just taken me some processing to get here. I think I knew it right from the start, from the moment the two lines that sent me into chaos showed up. Those two lines broke my heart as I faced the very real possibility that I would need to do something I would have enormous difficulty doing.

I said I'd wait but I know there is a reason I went through what I did this week, with all the appointments, the tests, the preparation and the difficult conversations. I had a feeling I would get to this morning and there would be a moment that I felt OK to do this and that if I didn't have the option sitting with me at the time I would regret it. That moment just happened. I was sitting in my favourite place, with sunshine and birds and a cuppa out of my favourite cup when I took the first part of what I need to close this chapter. It is the start of what I think will be a difficult process over the next few days, but one that there is no turning back from now and one I think I need to go through to find my way to OK again.

If I know nothing else, I know that this shows me how much I value my wellbeing. I've felt myself becoming undone with this and scared for the potential this had to completely derail me and jeopardise all of the work I had put into reaching the place of OK-ness I was at. I know I deserve to be able to go forward with my life and make it what I want it to be.

This shows me that I can and will make decisions that feel agonisingly impossible and wrong because I know they are right for me. It also shows me that I care about and love my children so much that I will make difficult choices so I can ensure they have from me what they need and deserve. Perhaps this was the biggest act of self-care I have ever done, and the hardest act of respecting my limits and knowing not to push myself beyond them.

I have learnt a lot about myself in the last couple of weeks, being in a situation that made me strip everything back and exposed me to parts of myself that I had kept buried deep inside, and parts of myself I didnt know were even there. I feel like I've made myself examine every aspect of my being with a magnifying glass, putting it all out on the table and picking it apart. It has been so confronting and painful, but I survived.

I will be forever thankful for the safe space to share that I have had here that has helped me beyond what I imagined it could have. I am so glad I reached out that night. I appreciate, from the bottom of my heart, those who have walked alongside me while I went through this process. I imagine that there may also be some people who have come across some of my posts about this feeling confronted by them, and I really appreciate the respect that has been shown to me by those who've been here as well as those who may have chosen to stay away. Especially thanks to you @Mazarita, @Teej, @Zoe7, @outlander (and F&H who I don't want to tag but am thinking of).

I want to believe that just like any difficult experience, from here I can grow. This has been another experience from which I can truly see and feel what is important to me. I know what I need and what I want in my life and this has shown me how much I need to keep on keeping on at it all and to not give up on moving towards what is right for me. Maybe this will add to my determination to get there because I do deserve to be where I want. Maybe there really will be no stopping me.

I wish I could have done this feeling empowered and confident I'd made the right choice, but I didn't. Instead I will now work to find a place of acceptance with my decision that, while heart breaking, does feel like the better choice for me and my life.

Thank you so very much, for being with me through this.