Just checking in.

Thank you @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope - I had a long post straight from the heart written but my internet connection dropped out. Did retrieve some (my internet skills are getting better 😉) but it only saved part. So I will write again either late tonight or tomorrow. My daughter is a large part of the problem when my pain overrrides my strength but not the whole picture - there is much more to why I go into that dark place at time (thankfully not often). I have grown stronger when it comes to my daughter

My day was better and the dark period past but it can be a dangerous place when it overwhelms and there is little light. And pain is all around...That's the problem - but when it passes the light shines even brighter. And those good moments feel even better. To have opted out in those dark moments/period would have been a huge mistake in hindsight. An emergency plan when pain overwhelms to that point and perception lost is a must for us all I feel.

The trouble is when my husband is effected I have lost my life support - my light is his love. Will explain more soon. Hope the day was a good one for both of you. Hugs

Hi @Former-Member

Thankyou for you message and your kind words. I have only been on the forum for 4 weeks (can you believe it - seems like forever). But in those four weeks I have shared more about me than I ever have in my whole life. The main reason is not the anonymity of the forum but the wonderful, caring and compassionate people on here. Whatever is happening for you in your life there is always somewhere that will support, listen, encourage and be with you for the ride (no matter how bumpy it may be).

I have also learnt, and started to believe, that I am worthy of be cared about and I do matter. In saying this, I know that the road is still a long one, and there will be many more times when I revert back to old ways of thinking about myself, but it is people like you (and ALL the other people on this forum) that give me the strength to keep going and looking forward. For that all I can say to you is THANKYOU

Hi @Zoe7

Thank you for the honest, heartfilled beautiful post. You seeing and acknowledging your true worth is a big part of your healing journey - keep going as you are nearly there. We all revert to those negative thoughts and feelings when Iife throws curveballs but those thoughts get less as we grow stronger in mind.

I have had a lot of abuses and losses; grief and feelings of total abandonment (abandonment is mostly wrongly perceived by me but not the grief - that is what fear and griefs does to the mind); is what can throw me into a dark place. And you are right, it is that special other/s, a caring person, word, gestures, smile, personal attention, kind words and support that can save us at the right time. And if we look it is usually there. It's when I feel devastation/desolation of spirit to the point I can't breathe - is when the latter if lifesaving.

You are a true treasure @Zoe7. Thank you for being part of the life saving team. Your worth is measured in gold, never forget it. ❤️

@Former-Member A few weeks ago (and for my whole life before that) I would not have even responded to your post - and the wonderful compliments. I would not have believed what I was being told was in fact part of me. I have had a long life of abuse, fear and hurt - and loneliness (my choice to not let any one in and not feel any added pain). It has always seemed that when I start to show even a small amount of trust in someone I have been hurt even more than before - so I just haven't! - and my anxiety, depression and PTSD have then overtaken me again.I can often see it coming - but that is also often when it is too late! I am really trying to not let the rest of my life be ruled by those who have controlled my life for so long. I admire so much about the people on this forum. I have always lived alone, never wanted children of my own to bring into a world I saw as fundamentally flawed and who I never believed I had the energy or strength to take care of. I still don't necessarily want either of those things but I am trying to move forward into letting people in (and I don't just mean on the forum). The catalyst for this thinking, and belief it is possible to move forward in a positive way, can be solely attributed to hearing the 'stories' and struggles of everyone on here and knowing I am no longer alone, I no longer need to keep it all inside of me and there is no judgement. Even in the hardest of times - for me and anyone else here - I now feel like I am actually part of something that is real and I belong

Beautiful response @Zoe7. I'm so glad you have found so much in such a short time. I remember feeling like you too, that gratitude and feeling of acceptance for being me.💜🤗

Wonderful Comment @Zoe7

And I love your new avatar as well

Dec

Just checking in. I have a list so bear with me and it may take a bit to respond.

@Kurra, been missing you and hope you are ok. I've seen a couple of posts of yours around but wondering how you are going now? 🤗 💜

@Appleblossom. I hope everything is ok. Crossing fingers you are having a good time away 🤗💜

@Pepsimax just saying hi and wondering how you are going. Are you still in respite?🤗💜

@Happyness, @darrenhayes, how are you doing. I hope today has been ok🤗💜

@eth, I've been wondering how the move went and how you are going. I hope you had a nice Christmas.🤗💜

@SwearyCyn just checking in to see how you are? Have you survived the silly season? Was wishing I had your kids the last few days, I needed a bit more compassion from mine 🤗💜

@Tryinghardto how are you going? It was lovely to see your last response. I hope your still going strong kicking it on your own and discovering a new you💜🤗

Hi to all 👋💜🤗

Hiya @Decadian too. I see you around 😊 How are you? I read a couple of your posts tonight but am not too sure how you are feeling.💜🤗

You have come so far @Zoe7. Breaking free from your cocoon into a beautiful butterfly flying freer (love your new avatar 😊).

I was exactly like you - I was just discussing this not long ago with @Former-Member. I had a huge wall up and never allowed anyone through it or into my heart due mainly to childhood abuse and hurts. My husband persisted and broke through and now he is part of me. Best thing I ever did. Although I love people, few get into my heart. That guard is still there. Self preservation its called - but the wall is down. I allow people into my life - but not always my heart. Trust has to be earned first.

It a very postive thing that you have grown enough now to want to start letting others in. The key to not letting others damage you is to let them earn your trust before you do. Even though we respect each other as human beings, treating them the way we would like to be treat, - trust is different, something to that must be earned. As frankly not all have our best interests at heart or put theirs first at any cost which can wound deeply. Not all are genuine or loyal when it comes down to it. We needs to pass the thorns unharmed to reach the roses.

So we mingle being ourselves with a caring nature, enjoying others company as we get to know them, but at the same time keeping our hearts at a distance until we know someone well. Before we trust them with our deepest selves. If respect is always shown through the experience of a friendship/relationship developing then we move closer. If on the course of that journey/relationship "disrespect is shown that's the red flag to put the breaks on and close our hearts allowing no excuses". Although disappointment/disillusionment can still occur they cannot hurt or damage our minds/hearts in any way "because we didn't allow them in". It's about not wearing ones heart on the sleeve.

Heed this @Zoe7 and you can't get hurt and go for it!! Letting the right people in our lives will make our lives whole and enriches our existence. We sense this and as that inner need grows stronger. We want better - something real. And the weeds not to be ripped out before we reach the flowers. It may be just one or a few close friends and a partner (Or just close relations). But if real it will be enough to be totally satisfying and fulfilling that need. And emotionally switching off from the wrong ones so they can't charm their way in. Healthy relationships have to have mutual respect to not become toxic. Watch for the signs and proceed forward. The best in life awaits you my friend ❤️

P.S The beauty of this forum is that it is real being entrenched with genuinely compassionate people who care. A rare treasure to behold in this world 😚

Hi @Former-Member

I wandered around like a lost shadow yesterday - and at some stage realised it was the 2nd anniversary of my mother's death - I had a long spell - hours - feelilng as if I was walking into the walls - Dad's anniversary (6th) in next Saturday - that doesn't get to me - I feel I am so like my father I do not have to go far to find him - he is in my DNA

But it's not like that with my mother - I have tough issues - maybe time will heal me - I want to be healed

And it happens time and time again - TS has business still with my parents' estate and guess what - I was feeling blue and I got a letter about that - why does she do this? She doesn't let me know when our aunt died but sends me a letter about the shares on the day after our mother's anniversary

In the letter TS wrote that she had spoken with our brother about this - but there is something wrong with her - anyway - it's over now - for now - Life Line works well for me most of the time - and it did tonight

Thanks Teej

Dec