@BlueBay wrote:
It's back to square one again, home alone. nothing to do, don't want to do anything
But why, why do i do this all the time.
Hi @BlueBay - but I manage to copy your quote just to keep one line - 3 times
@Zoe7 and @utopia have written some great stuff - but you actually gave me your answer yesterday I think - and I have written part of my reply to that - so it will be above this one
Your mother did not even try to bond with you -
Imagine this - I don't know how your mother felt about being pregnant with you - but suddenly you were violently pushed out into a world you were not ready for - and this is terribly hard on your system at the best of times - we have all been born and we forget - but think about it from the view of a premmie baby
And you did not get your mother's nursing or hugs and cuddles - or anything like what even my premmie got when I could only go to the hospital on a few days a week - and you were left alone and not nurtured and this makes so much sense to me
You were alone and did not know when someone was going to come and hold you and feed you - and so you are now afraid of being alone and you have anxiety about the loved ones you have around you going away - and I do understand this - you don't want to do anything right now - I have those spells myself - I was worse back in my 40s when I had times when I could not doing anything about anything except cry -
Yep - I get it - maybe the way my mother treated me was similar though I was not premmie - but she told me she left me in my crib to cry and I guess that's why I am tough about things to this day - how I endure my chronic pain
You didn't deserve this or earn it in any way - and those negative feelings - perhaps somehow you find yourself in a place in your mind that reminds you of that loveless state you lived in - and maybe your Dad filled that space - and maybe this is why you feel as you do about him now - you love him and you miss him
No wonder you feel as if you can't love yourself and feel unworthy upon it - hard thought - and not true - but you feel them and there they are
How to deal with them - I don't know really - somehow through my own life I have learned to deal with them myself - but it takes time and one thing I did was walk along the beach in all weathers and learned to absorb my loneliness until it became solitude that has been my constant fall-back place for over 25 years
Yes - things do change - they are already changing
What would I do right now - if I was feeling so lost
Well - eat something perhaps not recommended - do something that is a waste of time to many people - I play computer games and read a lot
And if you don't feel like doing anything - don't - but my choice would be to put on something warm and walk along the beach - the tourists have gone - the beach will be empty
we love you hear Bay - I love you
Dec
