not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

Re letting go of the housekeeping, I think you know that I had three kids under 2yo at one stage, one of them quite ill and need8ng endless medical tests and hospital alisations ...... hubby was working very long hours seven days a week, and MIL was sabotaging our relationship, my parenting, and my keeping of the house, competing with me and wearing down my self-esteem with constant criticism.

I realised that I couldn’t stay on top of everything, so I was going to have to What is called in business a “critical path”. I had to work out what was critical to achieve each day, and to do only those things. I also worked out systems that might sound odd, but they helped.

Critcal things were feeding the babies and changing their nappies. It wasn’t critical to bathe them, or myself, every day, but it was critical to keep us all clean, so on the skipped-shower days I still washed the kids with a bowl of warm soap water and a face washer on the change table, and did the same for myself using the hand basin in the bathroom.

I bought (very) cheap laundry baskets ... about 20 of them ..... and nappies from the line went into one of them, the babies clothes into another, tea towels and such in another, and our clothes in another, sorted that way straight from the line. The baskets were taken to the right room when I was going that way, and the items used straight out of the baskets, t give you an example, but baskets lying around the house was much neater than crap lying around everywhere. I would tidy up a room by putting everything that was out of place into a basket, then leave the basket in a corner of the room. When I was looking for something, I would check the basket, because everything else in the room was tidy. When I had time and energy, I would put things away .....

Later I just decided that I was out-numbered 6 to 1. Mr. and the kids were messy, I was tidy I decided that I would keep my spaces in the house tidy, and not take responsibility for the parts of the house where others were choosing to live in s mess. I would have had a breakdown if I had tried to keep my own standard over everything while big and little dragons kept undoing it around me. That is still my general principal. You can see where I have been in the house because things are generally where they belong and tidy.

@Owlunar is right. When the kids have all left home you can be sitting in a beautifully tidy home, but missing all the mess and noise and activity that came with having them all around.

Hi again @Faith-and-Hope

That is a fantastic post and I can see you had 5 children and Mr around - outnumbered 6 to one - I only had two kids and found it hard to manage - with my son having trouble coping with babyhood - an issue going on for his whole life - I mean he couldn't understand that certain behaviours are required and others undesirable - I felt as if I had three children with him -

And adding a premature baby to the mix - I found I did not enjoy all of this and had to find an easier way - which I did - I didn't have a system like yours but I found that there were days when the kids ate baby or toddler food from cans and somehow I cooked dinner for the kids' father and myself - and as I sit here this morning I wonder how I did that - the baby needed to be fed every three hours and it took an hour to feed her and often she would throw up the lot straight after feeding and I was pretty ragged - but that child was a pleasure to have around and she still is

Looking back I realise I only had 19 years of kids in the house - my daughter left home when she was 17 - my marriage was gone after that by then I knew there were worse things than having noisy and/or noisy people in the house - but this day I am happy enough having lived alone for 30 years this year -

I believe we are not given more than we can deal with and this happened in my life - it never got harder than the first few years - different stuff - I admire your "critical path" and I am reminded - your MIL lived with your I think - that would have been really hard - having someone criticize you and bring you down when you were dealing with 3 kids under two - actually - I can't quite imagine dealing with that myself - but life happens

Great to have you back Faith

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar .....

MIL wasn’t living with us, but she might as well have been ......

There is all sorts of difficult, and it’s important not to compare ourselves with other - too many differences between life experiences and strengths and challenges .... but the empathy and suppory is what is so important. The “I hear you” and “I feel for you, even if my experience hasn’t been the same, or it has been somewhat similar”.

I am wanting to go away forever

too overwhelmed

crying

anxious

tured

runnung away is the answer

don’t want to be here

I can hear how much you are struggling right now @BlueBay

If you feel like talking, please reach out for support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

My experience wasn't the same - but I do have empathy - I hear you and try and understand

My son had a mental disorder - or spectrum - so many years later I can't really remember the details - certain things stand out - but it did end though not in the way anyone could imagine or want

The good news is that the new pain specialist is organising a free therapist who works from the pain clinic dealing with traumatic loss and the strange thing is I never put those words together but losing my son was a traumatic loss -

And my daughter is fine - she had a hysterectomy late last year and has recovered and is back at work on light duties for now - she works in a nursery and some work there is heavy but she is fine - she lost a lot of weight being so ill but she looks so much better

And my old Companion Cat died late last year too - I miss her a lot - she was a sick cat and it was hard to put the pieces together when she was still alive but she was suffering -

Your MIL seems to have played a large role in your life - you have the patience of a saint Faith - we are all different and we need not compare circumstances - I could barely tolerate my MIL and think - as you say - that I hear you and from my own circumstances have a degree of empathy - life can have a lot of challenges

Dec

Hi @BlueBay

You have had a lot happening and it is time for you to ring your psyche and have your first week in hospital this year - I hear you and as far as I can see - this is getting really tough for you

I know it costs money and time off work but running away won't help and you know this - better to be in hospital where you are safe

Of couse this is your decision - your medical team is there to help you through the really bad times and this is upon you

Your daughter will manage while you are a way and it will give her time to settle in with Ayla -

Thinking of you

Dec

Thinking of you too @BlueBay ❤️

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Jupiter

im home and I’m ok. My thoughts this morning were extreme I know now but this morning I was ready to go.

I struggle so bad eith chsnge. And there are so many changes atm.

@Owlunar I know I prob should go to hospital but money is extremely tight. I just need time away.

Maybe I could speak to my doctor.

I think my son leaving is another change for me but it’s good. He needs to move. He’s old enough and I’m sure he will be fine. He’s very independent

You’re right @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar about having a house tidy and in order snd quiet but it’s not the same. I do love having my kids all around. But it’s that empty nesting. All big changes.

Tears are flowing down my face

my eyes are swollen from the pain

the thoughts that turn to negative

the brain that doesn’t work

tired of tears falling down