not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

It sounds like going to bed is a good idea for tonight. Perhaps in the morning if you are still feeling this way, you could reach out to talk to someone about how you are feeling or even raise it in your group tomorrow. It sounds like that would be a supportive space to share these thoughts and feelings.

Hope you have a good sleep tonight

Thinking of you too @BlueBay ..... ❤️

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Shaz51

I went to bed and managed to sleep all night. I’m still angry so I will talk over it with my psychologist today. Off now to city to do ACT therapy.

My emitions and thoughts are everywhere at the moment.

Mine too @BlueBay ....

Thinking of you and hope your chat with the psych today goes well. You need to be listened to and supported, and that is what they are there for.

Hi @BlueBay

I don't think you are stupid at all - you write well on the boards and I would never have guessed that you had failed at school - not knowing all the words is pretty normal actually - I look them up in a dictionary or on the computer - gradually your knowledge will build up if you start looking or asking - nothing wrong with that

There's no stupid questions - stupid answers sometimes but really - people are not thinking about about that much

Anyway -

I hear you - you are so frustrated - having all these extra things happening is unnerving - I get that - that's life - daughter and grand-daughter moving in and son moving out - really awkward - yes

But I must ask - what's stopping you from getting up and walking out yourself - other people do - if D is there to look after the baby then you can just say you are going out for a few minutes - or tell your husband you are joining him - you need time together with just the two of you as well - and that's hard with a house full of people

And you didn't ask for these changes - they just happened

And maybe you could get in your car and drive off for a bit - just go down to the back beach and watch the surf - you will go home - we already know that - you love your family and you are a good mother so we are sure it will be okay

So - yes - we all need time to ourselves - we need to think our own thoughts alone with no one interupting

Take the time to yourself - sort your ideas out and know what you want to talk to your therapist about before you go there

Thinking of you and hoping things go well with your therapist today

Dec

Hi @Razzle

You sure did not need that DVT - that has to be among the world's horrible news - that is not something you can ignore and never thought all this would happen when you set of for that hike or bush-walk - I forget how that happened

It would scare me

And would give me that putting one foot in front of the other was a whole other thing - not good - totally unplanned - especially feeling as if the rug would be pulled out without warning

You have things coming up that will stress the status quo - me too - so what can we do? Can we be prepared?

Well - I don't really know - we can plan - we can have Plan A and Plan B and maybe other alternatives - I find it unsettling actually

I hope that leg works out quickly btw - and doesn't take forever to clear up. I am sure you said you are taking some medication for that - pretty sure - it could be so great to have a magic wand and make it better - it would be wonderful for that to be possible

Thinking about you Raz - I took a couple of days to myself - it's easier for me to sit alone when things are rough - but it's possibly healthier to share - here anyway - where everyone is walking backwards up a hill - with unexpected issues

All the best

Dec

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope didn’t get to talk to my psychologist today as he had a structured session.

Hi @Owlunar

I’m tired. I have never gone for a walk on my own. I have walked with either my d or hubby. But I was so pissed off last night because he never asked me to go with him. He mentioned before that he walked around the block. I said well you never asked me to come eith you. He said you were watching tv.

Still how does he know I didn’t want to go.

I need to find some way of giving myself at least 15-30 mins to myself. I’m there for everyone but nit fir me.

Its very humid too. I went to the city to do the ACT therapy. I was angry because it took 1 1/2 hr to get there fir just an hour session that went so quick to then turn around and go home.

In the session today he had the room split into four snd a chair in each section. One chair was for thoughts; one for behaviour; one for love doing and the other for emotions.

He asked who’s important to me. I replied my hubby and children. We then spoke if I get angry I then go to the emitions chair. I then started to get upset. He asked what I was thinking. I told him I was stressed and worried that I would get the answers wrong therefore being judged by him. And then he would think I’m dumb. He assured me he wouldn’t do thst. And my answers are just mine because everyone has a different issue. I still felt unsure about it all.

But by the end I was ok.

I’m glad hubby took day off to take me. My d snd ayla came too and while I’m in session they go to a park close by.

Its hard when my mind and thoughts go into negative overdrive. I feel useless and stupid.

I read your post @Owlunar I’m sorry you’re not feeling good. It’s really humid and hot today. I hate it. Feel drained. I can understand how you feel.

I hope you feel better soon.

@Faith-and-Hope can I ask you ? How do you let go of the house not been in order. I feel so overwhelmed when it’s slightly messy. I find it hard to leave. But then I csnt do everything because I’m tired.

Its so hard to find a balance.

Hi @BlueBay

I don't have a therapist at the moment - I am seeing my GP and he is the one to advise me at how fast I cut down the strongest items of my medication by 25% - it's quite a lot actually and I have been doing this for a couple of weeks but it's tough having so much pain - and I know you have pain that is not well managed so you understand

So I will be going out in a few minutes and there is so much I want to ask you but there is one thing I want to tell you

For a long time when I was at University I did private tutoring - I had to ask my students about their essays - I didn't do that to judge them in anyway - my job was to help them sort out what was going wrong with their understanding of the subject - in fact - apart from that I didn't really care what they said - apart from setting them straight

So your therapist asks these questions to find out what you are thinking about your circumstances in life - not to judge you at all

And I have become irritated with a therapist from time to time and esp with the last one - totally gave up on that one - if anyone was doing judging it was me considering her to be not the person to help me - and after all we pay these people - we are in charge of the situation

I have to ring a taxi and go - I don't know what time I will be back on line but I will be thinking about your situation and what to say myself while I am out - seeing my doctor and getting some shopping I hope

The weather is really humid today - not a good day for hard choices

Back later

Dec

Dear @BlueBay

Really sorry to read that last night was such a difficult evening. Sounds like today has been an improvement at any rate.

I was really happy to read about your son getting the rental that he looked at. He must be really happy, as must you all.

It will definitely ease the situation at your home when it comes to the accommodation issue. Talk about 'packed to the rafters' in the current case! Hopefully once your son moves into his new accommodation, it will provide a little more privacy and 'me time' for you. Which will also likely reduce the stresses and friction you're currently experiencing.

Definitely some good news in amongst the not so good news BlueBay. Things are starting to resolve! Hang in there.

Sherry 🌸

Hi @BlueBay

It's really late - I went shopping after seeing my doctor and then went to sleep after dinner and time does pass - it seemed as if we were in for a storm but that seemed to be mostly on the other side of the city and we didn't get much here

I went on thinking about your feeling judged - it must be a very uncertain place to be but I can assure you that most people are not into judging people - evaluating sometimes - yes - but that is a different situation - perhaps sorting out what they like and what annoys them etc - not about you mostly - just seeing the outside and not looking inside - and you are afraid people will think you are dumb

I have never thought that - you are a pharmaceutical assistant and that must have required some studying - your fears of being thought dumb puts up walls - people are rarely thinking what we might imagine - if you don't speak much this might be a problem - I have read that you are rarely included and that might be because you don't join in the conversation or add your thoughts to other people's ideas - and you do have thoughts and ideas

It must be very lonely living inside yourself like that - I can't suggest what you can do to get yourself out of that place but it is something to raise with your best therapist when you see her again -

I feel really sad for you - afraid and angry so much of the time - you must get very tired holding up those walls and why not walk out with your husband regardless of being asked - hhmmm - I would have enjoyed a walk alone rather than go with my husband but your writing is enlightening and actually brilliant. What you share shows great bravery in opening up even if it's people you otherwise don't know and never will. Other people read these forums and maybe have similar feelings to yourself

I get how you feel about your house not being clean - I was like that myself when I had a family home with the family living in it and I found life impossible when everyone was home - no peace and quiet and it didn't matter if I wanted to vacuum or wash the floors etc - it seemed to me there was always someone there - it was a relief when I was finally alone and now other people do the cleaning for me - and often comment how clean I keep the place and I don't do much at all - but yes - it is easier to maintain your home when you have it to yourself

But be careful in what you wish for - you don't know what people have traded in life to have a clean orderly home - I could go on but people may not be as happy as they seem on the outside - they might miss their kids and their holidays might be just taking their relationship on the holiday with them - the irritations of life can be magnified away from home - you know they say the grass is always greener

Don't worry that I am judging you - I'm most definitely not. Living well over 20 years longer than you have has given me insight and wisdom - traits not easily learned and really valuable - I will always be honest with you and I often spend time thinking before I answer your posts

You have spent a lot of your life-force in therapy and with medication and being upset and angry - I can well understand how tired of it you are - but you are not your past - you are not your BPD - you are a person who has great love for your family and you have a lovely home, a job etc - you sound like a great cook and you do seem to be the driving force in your home -

And actually - you write well and when you do mention other people - on this thread and others - you do show that you care about us - what comes across to me is that you are really a fine person - just lost -

And I understand how that has happened and how I wish I could change that - but I can't

Sending hugs though - I found my favourite hug-pic earlier today - I'll post it again - a new computer means I have an orderly desk top - I'm so pleased about that

Dec

These teddies say it all - hugs are healing