not feeling good

@BlueBay Seems it took a scare from your D to give her partner the kick in the ar$e he needed. The only one who can decide what to do is your D, all you can do is support her and let her know you are in her corner.

My only suggestion, tell her that she doesn’t have to commit to a WHOLE month. If he slips back into bad habits then she needs to know that she can leave straight away and not suffer through and wait until the month is up. If the month goes well, he needs to know he’s up for review so that if he slips back into bad habits into the 2nd or 3rd month, then she can leave then too.

He’s is asking for a 2nd chance, not that he deserves it, so he has to pull his head out and step up now AND into the future.

You’re right @Razzle I don’t think she’ll give him a month is he slackens off. She’ll trll him uts over. Yes a review is a good idea fir 2/3 month.

I think it was a scare fir him.

Teah we’ll support her 100%. She knows that.

Its so hard as parents you just have to step back and let them wirk things out.

@BlueBay Yep, just because they grow up doesn’t mean they’re still not our babies. We will fret, love, fear for and care about them all our lives.

I really do hope it works out for her. She sounds a very intelligent girl, she will make the right decision for herself ❤️❤️

@Razzle@Zoe7@Former-Member@Shaz51l

@Owlunar

I’m niw not coping tonight. I had a psychology session wed afternoon. Doctor appt yesterday snd another psychologist appt with hospital for free.

Too many sessions. But after all thst - I’m now not coping. My trauma that I had to talk about is triggering me. I’m having flashbacks of my abuse.

I cried so much last night with the flashbacks.

I then saw my doctor this afternoon snd I was crying in his room. I told him I csnt tslk snout my abuse snymire. I also told him I’m scared. Scared of breaking down.

I just wish my life would be better less chaotic less stressful.

Those damn flashbacks - seeing the abuse is horrible.

Oh @BlueBay I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now. You have my understanding and sympathy with regards to psych sessions stirring up memories of trauma and bringing on flashbacks. Force yourself to bring your breathing under control, and keep yourself grounded and in the here and now. Keep reminding yourself that all that was in the past, and you are safe now.

Regards to your daughter and going back to her partner? I agree with the others here who have responded. Entirely your daughters decision. If she asks for your advise, tell her your thoughts and the reasons why. It would I feel, be a mistake to try to actively influence her decision. She would only resent it later if things turn bad. Just let her know you love her, and that you support her decision, whatever it is. And that you are there for her if or when needed.

Sherry 💜

I’m going to go to bed. Hopefully I csn dkeep.

Goodmight everyone ❤️❤️

I hope you sleep too @BlueBay ... good night. 💤💫

Sherry

Hi @BlueBay

Wow - you have so much going on - no wonder you feel frazzled

Your daughter - yes - she is the only one who can make this decision and you can really only listen but you can also point a couple of things out for her to think about

This isn't the first time she left him so this isn't the second chance - he came whining to her about being lonely some time back - so he might be genuine - and he's 30 - maybe he is ready to settle down - I really hope so

I just hope she doesn't get pregnant with the happy reunion - it might be delicate to ask - I know there are times when I feel all delicate and ask my daughter frank questions knowing we have boundaries we rarely cross - I haven't asked her about birth control since she was a teenager but hopefully your D is still using it because another child could be a spanner through the works

But you know this - I bet this is one of the things that's bothering you - and if it is - it is a good idea to mention it but then - the bottom line is she is the one who pays for such a mistake should it happen

But we can only wait and see because our kids have to make up their own minds

Completely different subject - I feel I must tell the tale about our crowded house because to me now it's funny.

I was in my mid-teens - Gran and my much younger sister had the second bedroom - I had the dining room to myself which was great most of the time but my parents entertained and Gran would spend the evenings in the lounge watching TV and so I couldn't go to bed until the visitors went home and I was forbidden to even sit on my bed to give anyone the idea that it was time to leave. And everytime we had visitors I had to put my school work and stamp collection and model aeroplanes and my microscope in the laundry and frankly - I was invaded - but my brother - aw sheesh - he had it worse

He slept in the closed-in back verandah and people walked through his space 24/7 to use the outside toilet - that has to have been the pits

I wanted to leave home but I wasn't allowed until I was married - and that is not a good reason to marry - so I can hear the stories and luckily now - I see it as ridiculous that anyone would imagine their kids would like such an arrangement and my Gran - ooh - bad

Things seem to be different now but I know it's still hard if people have a house too small for the people living in it -

And your therapy BB - it must be some kind of nightmare talking about the abuse - I won't talk about my mother if I see someone else - her abuse was emotional - psychological - when we were young - physical - and I felt terrible when the last therapist kept peck-peck-pecking wanting to know more -

So - delicately - I ask - does it help to talk about the abuse when you feel so destroyed afterwards - in your case justice was never served - those men are guilty of criminal behaviour and nothing has ever happened to bring them to face what they did and you are carrying all of that

Over the last week or so I have been thinking about how my family treated me and my son before he died - and it was really bad and I think that's why I have been really battling with all of it for so long - too long I know. For both of us - I think - the issue is that we were treated badly beyong the main issue - just something I have worked out for myself - maybe you too - maybe it would help to talk about the failure of your family and the law - I would be interested to know

I think about it a lot actually - it took me a long time to realise that this is a peer-support forum - the moderators are there to maintain good order but we are here to share our experiences with each other - to share ideas - thoughts - plans - what we say to our therapists

So yes - you seem stuck with the abuse - you can't change that - in fact neither of us - many or most cannot change the circumstances - but somehow we need to move past it and I know you want that badly - I really know this - it is so obvious reading about it

Dec

Hi @Owlunar I need to read this with time. I’m out on the deck with my d and Ayla while hubby is cooking sausages on the bbq.

Younger son working and older son is asleep. He worked night shift. He has another night shift tonight snd then a few days off.

I’ll reply to your post later. Xxx

Hi @Owlunar

you know talking about my abuse triggers me to not cope or function for days. I then have flashbacks and then nightmares at night, like last night.

My D told me this morning that she’s not 100% sure if she should go back. There is still some doubt in her. I said to her thst msybe it’s a good idea to talk to her doctor or even a counsellor. Someone neutral. She knows she doesn’t want another baby at the moment with him. We’ve had a discussion on thst. But I have a feeling that she will not go back. He is telling her all this stuff about changing and that he misses the bsby. But I’m nit sure. At the end of the day it’s her decision and we’ll dupport her.

My abuse - yes I’m damn angry st the non validation of even what happened to me as a child. No apology no nothing just verbal and emotional abuse.

My parents have failed me as a child and even as an adult. They failed terribly.

If only I could have an apology and a hug from my parents especially my mum, it would mean a lot. But part of me knows that won’t happen.

I just want my mum to put her arms around me and say “it’s ok. I’m sorry for what happened to you as a child”. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you to protect you.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare about my brother.

The other thing that’s worrying me a real lot is - my mum wants to come over to visit during the week to “speak with me”. Those were her words. I’m thinking that she will ask me why aren’t I talking to my brother. If I tell her exactly why I’m scared thst (1) she won’t believe me snd yell verbal abuse again and (2) that she then goes back to my brother and of course he will deny it and say I’m mentsl thst I don’t know what I’m saying.

(3) I will definitely break down and prob end up in hospital.

I know it’s only a possibility but I have to be a step in front of her.

This whole abuse stuff gets to me so much. Why didn’t I remember earlier ? Why did I have to remember at all?

Thst myst hsvr been really difficult for you growing up. I can relate a little. We would go visiting relatives every week and we had to sit with the adults in the kitchen. We were never allowed to grab a biscuit or anything until my mum would say ok. My dad wouldn’t discipline us it was more my mum.