not feeling good

@Decadian sorry you felt you had to answer this and not deal with your headache

I understand what you are saying and I have tried so hard to change hence my name but I'm not getting anything positive about myself from people that deal with me, partner, doctors, work - so I'm left to the only logical conclusion - its is all me.

I am definitely unhappy about myself, not so much the fitting in because I have never been in the "popular crowd" so to speak. I guess if I'm constantly being told off for being me from people around me, there is no other conclusion but to except that society doesnt feel I'm good enough and a bad person at 48yrs old. Ive tried being me for so long and that hasnt worked so maybe to get "healthy" I need to pretend to be someone else at least that way it will keep everyone off my back and less outward stress.

You know just to show how misinterpreted we are my partner said to me the other day "why do you get so upset when I talk about my feelings" my instant reply is "I feel bad for the pain I caused you" but he doesnt believe me - his answers and what has been discussed at his group is "the attention is not focused on me anymore and thats why I'm upset" My partner, work and doctors all like to tell me how I feel and that I'm not really feeling this but that - maybe the root of the feeling comes from something else but the feeling is still what I feel. No one wants to understand or know, they think we are just here to make their lives miserable and when I say well what about the daily misery I feel - I get told well you deserve to feel like that for what you made people feel in the past.

So my conclusion is that the rest of my life is my punishment because of having a MI.

I started a conversation on breaking up with my partner as I feel he has had enough of me but he has also confirmed that we arent in a financial situation to do that and he doesnt have the strength now either so I'm stuck in life .

Thanks @BlueBay

I know sometimes I dont know whats worse bumbling through life not knowing what it is or knowing and having everyone treat you like you are garbage.

Its a terrible illness that displays the wrong emotion for what we are feeling. I know if my partner knew I was on these forums he would say its making me worse as it allows me to feel sorry for myself and as he puts it as "whah whah whah - get everybody to feel sorry for me". I guess when I look at it from another perspective I guess it can look that way but I feel I come here for clarification (reality check) and to learn other ways of dealing with this. Maybe its not a good thing to post, I know like you have mentioned we get an attachment which sometimes I feel I have and need to check on posts etc.

Another issue I dont know how to change is our perspective on everyday things, its like one scenario happens and I look at this way and everyone else looks at it another way - how do we change what our brain sees???? An example we were talking about friends and he said because of me he doesnt have any friends and I said "I dont have any friends either (partners name) meaning dont you think I know how that feels I dont have any either but he took it that I'm blaming him for not having friends and said it was a very manipulative thing to say.

Why do I keep doing the things that annoy him, am I trying to push him subconsciously to do something to me because I dont have the guts???

I'm giving up in the sense that I'm not fighting any doctors or partners for my rights, maybe I have relinquished those rights from past and current behaviours. I just feel like I exist but there is no point to it.

@BlueBay

Please take good care of yourself and if you feel no one understands - I am here I understand!

Hey @Change123

You take good care of yourself too xxxoo

I'm nervous and feeling a bit destructive tonight. I'm seeing my new psychologist tomorrow. After 5 yrs of having my old therapist tomorrow is scary. I don't know if i will like her; don't know what she's like. And I am sooo scared in starting all over again and having to talk about my childhood abuse again. I don't want to go through that again, i can't do it. I don't have the strength anymore of talking.

what kind of a pathetic hopeless mother am I??

I have had to ask my daughter to lend me some money so i can see thhis new psychologist tomorrow. i don't get paid until wednesday. i am a hopeless person who is a no hoper.

this is the worst time of year for me; i have never been this bad, we have never struggled so much. i hate myself, i am hopeless mother.

since when does a mum ask their kids for money? stupid, hopeless stupid stupid stupid

Hi @BlueBay

Don't feel badly about asking your daughter to lend you money please - I have had to borrow money from my SIL a few times in the past - when I had nothing but the most inadequate income - the pension before they increased it - and I don't feel as if I was a bad mother - perhaps I got a few too many bills at times and something urgent was required

And I wish you the best with your new therapist tomorrow - I am sure that seeing a female will help you - women understand women

And @Change123

You are not worthless - don't believe that - no one is worthless - I think one thing that is great about this site is that people constantly build each other up and all the time we understand what the others are going through

And Blue and Change - you have a lot in common - as @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope and I have the loss of our teenagers in common and understand a lot about each other without saying anything much

Change - it is upsetting to have people telling you off - I get the same - My sister is Toxic - I call her TS because she finds every wrong thing I ever did in my life and holds it against me and you know - she thinks it was wrong - but I don't apart from making some mistakes here and there - ah it hurts to have someone holding it against you that you are even born so if you feel as if that is happening - it's a crappy way to feel - etc - and I was criticized for hugging people too tightly after my father died - alright - there's nothing wrong with bear hugs - bear hug back - but people have a way of undermining someone who is in reality better in many ways

I'm struggling to tell you that the other people are at fault - not you Change. When I was in hospital many years ago - and younger than you are now - I was having a bad day and crying and one of the nurses said "You are having trouble with your husband and your children and your parents and your friends. Do you think that YOU might be the problem?"

To which I screamed

"No!!! My son is a delinquent and in trouble all the time and my dd thinks that's the way to behave and my parents blame me and my husband doesn't help me at all and my friends tell me I don't pray hard enough and don't have enough faith and everyone expects me to do something about my son but no one says what and no one helps"

And that was the truth. My parents are dead now as is my son, and my dd has grown past that stage and is a fine woman with a big family and is highly qualified and I have long since left the people who were so critical people behind - but yeah - getting told off by everyone when I was in so much trouble was so confusing. And I am divorced

You are not alone and you have value - and I have been saying all of this to Blue for months and I really hear her improving as hard as it is for her

But you don't need to have BPD to have it hard - that's just an added extra -

Sorry if you misunderstood my previous post - I had a headache - but in truth - who really wants to be around people who are being nasty? I am not sure how long you have been here but you have had some sound and helpful things to say

So my saying that helps me is this

Our feelings may not always be sound - but they are always valid which means our feelings are what they are even if they are not based on fact - we are entitled to our feelings

My hugs for both of you

Dec

💗❣💖

@Decadian

Apologies was not in a good state yesterday and didnt even realise when I mentioned the headache that it had a bad conitation to it - this is what I do!! - what I meant was and no sarcasm at all is that "I felt bad because you had a headache and felt the need to answer me" - you see this is what happens with me and its so frustrating.

Thanks for all your kind words @Decadian it means a lot - one of my problems is self confidence and it is now blown compeltely out of the water.

@BlueBay

Dont feel bad about lending money from your dd, at least you havent tried to keep her back a year at school just so you can go straight onto a pension - which is what my mm tried to do and when I said no I was the most selfish kid in the world because I didnt want to repeat at year at school when I was a B & C+ student. Your dd probably feels good that she is able to help.

I hope you feel better and good luck with the new doctor today.

One question just trying to see if you struggle with this since we are so similar.

My main problem with BPD is slowing down, its like my mind is on fast forward at times and I literally dont have time to "think before I speak or do" and it just comes out. Thats why I'm having such issues with controlling what I say or do, its like someone else is controlling it till its done then I think OMG did I just say that! I might be thinking of something else and cant quite elaborate on my feelings and the wrong things come out. If I could literally put a filter between my brian and my mouth that would take care of everything.

I would like one of the moderators to answer this.

Again my partner started with this video he has been sent from Relationships Aust - Joy Anastas (not sure of spelling of her last name)

That carers are not to believe that BPD people have no control over their choices, otherwise we could not drive a car. Our problem is that we choose to do the wrong decision because we dont know better but that doesnt excuse us and we need to have consequences for our bad decisions.

Now I'm not having a go - I completely understand that statement

But and I dont know if you feel the same @BlueBay I dont choose to do what outwardly looks like manipulation, I dont choose to get very emotional over things - BPD isnt a choice - I dont feel like I'm making a conscious choice over my feelings. To be BPD is very much extreme emotions and the hard wired reactions you have to these emotions. Technically yes we have a choice as no one is making us do this but we have been trained and hardwired that our brains do this whether we want it to happen or not and breaking that cycle is damn hard. Its not a matter of saying "yes today I will be happy all day no matter what life throws at me" - I start off a lot of days like that but then life hits.

It would be good if we could get a transcript or something on this other view of BPD treatment. I do understand it in a way - my partner is still doing it but in a nicer way now which I dont mind but I dont want to feel attacked for every BPD thing I do.

Thanks

Hi @Change123

Can you clarify what you would like the moderators to answer?

Thanks 🙂

Nik

Hi @NikNik

Where I said

Again my partner started with this video he has been sent from Relationships Aust - Joy Anastas (not sure of spelling of her last name)

That carers are not to believe that BPD people have no control over their choices, otherwise we could not drive a car. Our problem is that we choose to do the wrong decision because we dont know better but that doesnt excuse us and we need to have consequences for our bad decisions.

@NikNik

I just wanted to know if this video exists and if this is true about the recent talk Joy has done on BPD - I'm even more interested as I had this Joy for couples counselling a few years ago. Also I'm not condemning this type of treatment but I wanted to get better clarification so I know my partner is not skewing it to his opinion so wondering if a transcript if not the video is available. It would be good to know this and understand from the other perspective and maybe this is what we need. I dont know I'm just trying to look at it from perspectives that I dont even like or understand. I'm desperately trying to ÇHANGE.

Thanks