not feeling good

@BlueBay I'm with you.

I'm just realising that no one gives a f...! not services , no one!

My spirit is gone and so has my fight. My partner said he was on the side of the mental health nurse when he found out about my complaint and that they have more important things to worry about than a BPD patient. He was contemplating calling them to tell them he understands????? He also said that I should be off meds by now too.

I have given up and will just do as I'm told there is no point being me as that is offensive to everyone.

I have nothing and I am nothing.

@BlueBay I'm sorry you feel like this too!

And to make things worse - huff n puff hubby decided to take two days off work. I think it was to quietly keep an eye on me. He told me it's his cold but he was sick last week and didn't take time off. Oh well i am inside knitting and resting, he is outside in the garage.

Hi @BlueBay

Just catching up with what has been happening with you - it sounds really tough

You know - I am beginning to think that you are getting the run around because no one is quite sure what else to do - like I can see you need to be in a private hospital and the rest of us in your case are certain that's true - but your psyche is finding it hard to get you into hospital right now and - hey - could he not try harder?

It seriously makes me wonder what is "high risk" or "not hig risk" - but I can't answer that - but people are saying useless and less than helpful stuff. Don't worry about them

About your new psychologist - they say she tough - okay - they said this about the magistrate who presided over my son's last court hearing - but I thought she was fantastic - it depends on what we need I guess - my son was scared of her but inpressed that I wasn't - so wait and see

Oh yes - people either have a mortgage or pay rent - everyone has bills and stress but you have so many other things happening I am sure you can't focus on anything right now - aw - this is so hard for you.

Oh dear - you told Huffnpuff you had depression and he thinks you can "pick it up" in hospital - does the guy not listen? Don't answer that - I am being sarcastic.

Maybe the person who said that maybe medication wouldn't work for you might be right though. I had sedation for years when I had reactive depression - but I was taken off ADs - my psychiatrist said I had problems to deal with and I could not do that if I was confused by medicaion so I took the hard road which worked out better - you might feel one hell of a lot better without ADs - wait and see. I don't know what DBT is but you might not need that

People are just suggesting stuff - I think no one knows - I hope you get into hospital soon because you are so exhausted - and maybe confusion and exhaustion are wearing you down - in fact - get those two out of the way and see -

I really care - but from where I am - it seems like you are getting the runaround and only one thing I can think of and that is to stop worrying about your finances. Easier said than done - but the solution is something you are planning anyway and that is to sell the house - so take it easy - trust in yourself - down inside yourself there is somone worth something important -

We know this and we care

Dec

@BlueBay

I'm at a complete loss right now.

I seem to be hearing the same things as you, we need toughness, we should be off meds, we have to grow up etc etc.

I feel I have no choice but to conform and do everything I'm told and not have an opinion, maybe we struggle too much against it I dont know. I know my feelings are not what I keep getting told they are (i.e manipulating, saying negative things, selfish, no empathy, acting like a child) I dont feel I do these on purpose but I keep getting told its a choice and I'm choosing to be this way by not getting over these things including past abuse.

Maybe this is my reality a harsh one, I'm now paying for years of misunderstanding with my partner and I shouldnt complain about it, maybe everyone has grown up except me and no one wants to tolerate me any further despite how much I feel Im trying, maybe as I have always thought I just dont fit into society and am seen as nothing but an adult having tantrums who cant explain her exact feelings. Maybe its wrong of me to expect support in getting over this as society seems to have had enough of BPD people in the system. Maybe I am as worthless to society as I feel since I cant improve my BPD - maybe there is no point but to be alone in all of this...... and not ruin anyone's elses life.

Oh @BlueBay

I am so glad I made you laugh - yeah - Huffnpuff is not a big listener

Yes - you need to make sure your psyche hears you tomorrow and get in touch with the hospital too - and tell them exactly what you feel like

Eg - I can't remember what I said to my psychiatrist after all these years but I am sure about saying "I can't stop crying" or "I am so confused and/or tired I can't think anymore"

AND right now - I have my every second Monday thing that makes my headache worse happening - it's the gardener come to mow the lawns - and my headache has already come on for today. He always starts on the little patch right outside my lounge where I am sitting now.

So I have to stop and take something for the headache -

I will catch up later

Thinking of you

Dec

Hi @Change123

So much for getting away with my headache - I had to answer this

Okay - I long time ago I realised that I am eccentric - which is not "cracked" as someone who was a little weird once said to me - but rather "different" and I have the courage to be different and I like it

Okay - you are gathering that people say you are - what - selfish, negative, manipulating - etc - and you don't feel as if you are - let's hope we can all act like children sometimes. I do hear you

Other people will say ANYTHING to stop you from being different - it takes courage - but somewhere we have to accept what we are and work out if we need to change because "fitting in" is a choice and I really don't know if it's a good one

I am learning a little about BPD because my therapist thinks my son had this disorder - he certainly did not fit into our society - and his behaviour made it impossible to deal with him - but then - he was 16 and I guess you are older than that

There's a saying "If the shoe fits" - and if you believe what you are told then it might be the shoe does fit - but I had myself fitted for shoes a short while back and I sat there until there were stacks of shoe boxes all over the place and refused to accept a pair until I felt they fitted

So let's see - I think you feel as if that shoes doesn't fit. I accept what you are saying is true. Then the question is - are you happy with things the way they are? If you are unhappy I guess the thing is to change some things - if you are happy and just don't fit it - that's not such a bad place to be - really

I am really into saying something different - I like to turn the problem and look at the other side of things

I was abused when I was a child - and even as an adult I have suffered verbal abuse and ostracism - but I believe that the people in my life who have been so toxic are wrong. I have chosen to go my way and be alone a lot and it's okay

You write

"I feel I have no choice but to conform and do everything I'm told and not have an opinion"

My comment would be - make you own choices, only conform when it suits you and I can tell you I am very opinionated - so have you own opinions but chose when and how to express them

I know that different MIs have different effects but we are not children - we are adults - and we must never give up on ourselves. We may have to change something things about ourselves but we are in charge of that.

And maybe there is no point but to be alone in all of this - but this is true - you can't ruin anyone else's life - only they have the power to do that - what happens as we put aside the effects of the abuse in our lives we do change - and those people who try and tell you that you are ruining their lives don't like that - they want you back in your box and miserably silent

Get out of the box and be yourself

Decadian