not feeling good

Thanks @Former-Member i have read your email and replied. Thsnkyiu for ny safety plan

Hi @BlueBay

I hear you - I have to admit that I really don't know much about Mental Illness - I have been accessing information from other sources and came across something interesting that might explain something for you - I can only share it and maybe it will help - I hope so

When you - or other people with BPD - get into a bad place their brain starts to get into self-hate and it's like a form of self-harm - it might seem to ease the stress or anguish in some way - but then it turns around and people feel badly about what they just thought and it can turn into a spiral - and I have read your posts for so long now that it seems this happens to you - and it must be horrible

So your writing eases some of our anger and that's okay - sometimes I don't know how to reply but this time I thought - yeah - why not share what I read -

They really don't seem to appreciate you at work - I remember getting really angry at work once when all they did was move my filing cabinet - I was really furious - short story - they moved it back - it feels as if people don't care when you have the things you have set up changed - I can understand what you are saying about that

As for your mother-in-law - that is a really tough situation and there is nothing I can suggest except let you know I hear you - it must be horrible seeing her lying there for years and not doing anything, knowing anyone - and so depressing for you to visit - that is really sad - just trying to see it from your point of view - it's like a nightmare

About Life Line - I get really good help from them 99% of the time - sometimes I get someone not on the wave-length - and I have worked out a way to get the best out of my time with them

So - not today - but over the weekend I will start a thread for what I find a good way to get someone to understand I just need to talked to debrief or sort out my thoughts because I just need someone to give me a little feedback etc - and maybe you can find a way to get heard - or feel you get heard

Recently I have realised that we all need to be heard - to be understood - or if the person we are talking to can at least say that much - to say they are listening and trying to understand

This is the time of year to really really hopeless at times - it surely is - I have taken ages to start feeling Christmassy - today might be the day I get a bit of Christmas-love working

About boundaries - we all need them BB - so the idea could is to set your own so people can't trample in your garden of precious thoughts

Sending a bit of that Christmas Love I am starting to feel today

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar im still trying to get my head around my BPD. I just hate @Owlunar I really do. It consumes me so much.

I think a lot of my self hate is a form of self harm. And I hate that too.

Tomorrow we’re houng to see MIL and give her something for Christmas. Nit that she’ll what day it is. It was mentioned by the nursing home that we buy a doll for her. So we did. But I can’t stop thinking how terrible her life is. Dementia is terrible and heart breaking.

Its really hard for me to write st the moment. I’ll come back later.

BB ❤️

Years ago @BlueBay - I over-heard a doctor talking to a patient who had just put her father into a nursing home - and I guess it was a form of dementia - and he told her that this kind of thing distresses everyone in the family but the patient who may not know where s/he is.

I don't know if I believe that - my mother had a form of dementia and I am sure she knew where she was but her life was pretty terrible. I understanad - it is heart-breaking. and it wears you down

The suggestion of giving her a doll surprised me - I read this post earlier and I have been intrigued ever since - perhaps she has been asking for one and maybe she will play with it - I will be interested to hear about it

What kind of doll did you get her - is it a baby doll to cuddle or an ornamental doll for her to look at or even better - a Barbie-Doll to dress up and add things as time passes - or maybe a set of Mamuska dolls to help with her dexerity - as the evening wore on I thought more and more about this

What my Gran came to mind just then - "Well I never." "Well I never" thought of giving an elderly person a doll but what a good idea - I think when I am old and past it I would like some Lego actually - why not have toys? I love playing games on my computer or with a pack of cards -

Maybe she will know about that -

You are probably fast asleep - I hope so - having a few sleepers for a while can get you back on track

Dec

Hi @Owlunar ive actually heard of this before where people in aged care have dolls. Because of her anger that comes with dementia the doctor said a bsby doll will help. I’ve seen old ladies hold the doll like their own child. They talk to it snd ssleep with it. We bought a material doll from Kmart. Wasn’t expensive. But after I bought it I thought we should have bought a “real looking doll”. But if she likes this one we can buy a better one.

I’m now getting to the point thst I wish she would go to sleep and not wake up. I know this may sound harsh but it’s horrible for us snd it’s distressing her thst they then give her meds to calm down. This isn’t quality of life st all. It really breaks my heart.

To be honest with you I don’t want to go snymire. But I need to for my husband. He has no one else just him and his mum.

I haven’t been coping especially this week. I spoke to mum the other day - they are still coming for lunch Christmas Day. Let’s see if she changes her mind.

Are you with your daughter for Christmas? Hope she’s improving after her op.

I’m having breakfast early as I like to be in my own. I hate being hassled first thing mirning. I like peace and quiet or I open bsvk door and listen to the birds. Weather doesn’t look good tiday.

I will chat later. I hope you’re feeling better to. I know you haven’t been too good. Take care and I’ll chat again soon. ❤️❤️

Hi @BlueBay

I don't think it's at all harsh to imagine the time when your mother-in-law will go to sleep for ever - toward the end of my mother's life I was praying for her to be put out of her suffering - it's horrible for everyone and if the person who is suffering knows about it - then somehow it's a cruel part life

When my cat was losing weight and showing signs of cancer and some kind of dementia she was put to sleep - animals are allowed that right - we are allowed to express our humanity with pets that we love - but because we are humans we have to live out to the last minute of our lives - and I understand - I do

The material doll would be a good choice - your MIL can cuddle that and play with it - and take it to bed and it might and I hope - give her an object to focus on that she can love. If this works she can get another one - or some other toys - I know in some places they have service dogs and cats as pets for the elderly

It's a bugger of a time of life for families to go through - I don't know about visiting - if she doesn't know you are there it seems sort like putting yourself through a lot of stress - I know you go to support your husband and that is a worthy reason but he is not in a hurry to support you - I just thought - stretching my brain a bit right now - could this be something you could trade with him - explain to him how you feel about seeing his mother - and how it is so lonely for you when he won't listen when you need to talk to him - easier said that done - I know that -

Yes - I am seeing my daughter on Christmas Day - she is recovering from her operation - they sent her home so quickly - I was really shocked - I feel she could have stayed at least one more day - they don't let people stay in hospital for long at all - and we pay so much for insurance - they are afraid of spreading MRSA and staph - I know this -

Anyway - it took me until yesterday to feel the Christmas love but I got my sil a different present this time - I am pleased about that -- now I have to get up to the shops to finish Christmas shopping with little bitznpiecez - and wrap the presents - I am not good at that - I use a lot of bad language - I have never been good at that - and now my arthritic hands make it harder

Look - I get it about your MIL - the feelings you have are really natural - and you are honest about them - that is fine with me - if you want to vent about that to me I totally understand

Sending best thoughts

Dec

@Owlunar I found it hard to feel christmas this year. It came around too quick. I’ve just been out wuth hubby buying fruit and food for Christmas Day. And went to Bunnings to buy some mulch to top up test of garden.

Last night I write a letter to a lady I used to wirk with over 30 years ago. We’ve kept in touch every Christmas writing letters to each other. It’s nice to receive her letter and see what she’s been up to.

Its terrible how the hospitals throw you out so early these days. I guess it is for infections but you’re right we psy so much in insurance it makes me mad. I feel like cancelling mine but won’t because of my psych and private hospital.

Im going to try and have a relaxing afternoon. I’m feeling a bit crampy in my stomach tiday. Could be stress and mixed emotions.

Hope you have a nice day. Chst later. Xxx

Going to see MIL today to give her Christmas present. Not that she’ll know what it is. Last year she still understood. She has gone downhill quite a lot this year. The boys are coming too.

The closer it gets to Christmas the more sick in the stomach I feel. And so damn emotional.

I just keep crying. The sun is out today. It looks like it will be a nice day. I think when we come back I might go to the beach and read my book. I just need to be near nature and the beach helps.

Why do I cry so much. It then makes me sngry.

I hope everyone has a nice day.

@Owlunar@Shaz51@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Razzle

Hope you get to the beach today @BlueBay

Omg I’m in such a foul mood. On our way to see MIL. Boys didn’t come.

I just want to disappear for a while. And be on my own peace and quiet.