not feeling good

I get it @BlueBay - my mother has been dead for nearly 4 years and at times I find I still want to tell her things - and that was not likely to happen in her life-time so we have that in common

Think though - if you really think it would help to tell your mother - tell her and whatever happens happens - will you have lost anything? Only you can answer that.

Your brother is obviously not a pleasant person - he did what he did and that was terrible - it would be so great if your mother listened to you - and maybe told him off. I could be wrong but he has done something terrible that has horribly upset your father and he became ill afterwards - this doesn't speak well of your brother in other areas than yourself -

Just thinking - did something come up unexpectedly in group or with your psyche? Is this event different? - I am sure you are safe where you are now.

Is there a nurse you can talk to at the moment - it might be a good idea to share how you are feeling right now

If you like stay in your room and miss dinner - or wait until dinner time is nearly over and go to the diningroom and get some dessert at least - there are no rules about eating. If you want to be alone - why not be alone,

There is no need to be scared about anything else - all of this inside you trying to get out - a good time to let it out - but let a nurse you feel okay with about how you are feeling and you will be safe.

All the things that hurt you so much are in the past and only hurt you through your memories now - but yes - they do hurt

I understand

Dec

@Owlunar I think deep down if I told my mum and/or dad she wouldn’t believe me. I feel she will be in denial. I don’t want to hurt my dad. I don’t want him to get really sick because of what I would say. He is already not well eith his heart. So I need to let it all out snd learn how to move on. But how ??

But I so want to tell her. I really want to scream it st her.

I’ve just eaten something. Sitting on my own. I don’t want to socialise. I’ll go to my room snd just sit and be.

Hubby is going to the bank tomorrow and sort out credit card debt.

Wish I coukd get a hug. I so need one.

Saw my psych this afternoon. He was happy I slept all night. First time for a long time. But I think it’s exhaustion.

He’s not changing my meds. Just letting me stay for a break and try to do groups. I’ll try sgsin tomorrow.

Hope you are ok @Owlunar xx

❤️ @BlueBay .....

Hi again @BlueBay

You really want to move on from your brother - but how?

That is hard to do. But it can be done. And you do it for yourself - not your mother - not your brother - for yourself - and you really do want this I am sure.

And talking about this with your mother right now could stir things up for your father - and I would never have wanted to do that myself - my unresolved issues with my mother were not something I would have wanted to drag my father into esp when his health was failing - so I totally get that - even though the underlying issues are quite different.

You already know you can't get your childhood back - you are not alone there - what happened is past - and your inner child is bereft - you are bereft - but your rotten brother did this and there is only one thing to do and that's to move past it. You will still grieve but this is important.

What you feel now doesn't change your brother - he doesn't care - if he knew about it he isn't likely to even own it. You are worth more than him. He has not only stolen your childhood - he has stolen all your life for the last 8 years and this is really horrible.

My mother and sister treated me badly - different stuff - but horrible too - and I let go of it and I really wish I could tell you how - but I didn't want to carry that around any longer. I sometimes still feel it between my shoulder blades where it's hard to reach but over the last few years I let go. I am glad I did - and there is no excuse for what they did but I understand some of the reasons.

It will always matter BlueBay - it will always hurt - but this anger is so destructive - it has taken enough of your life - it does hurt to let go because it might seem as if it didn't matter but it did - It always will

I know this out of my own life - the freedom of letting go is wonderful - and it is a process - you let go tonight and you let go tomorrow and you let go tomorrow night and the feeling is so good when the bad stuff comes back you let go again because it feels good and with practice it feel better

But you have the anger tonight - this I know - I hear - and if there is someone there to talk to take advantage of this.

And take advantage of the break

Dec

hugs my sister @BlueBay

@BlueBay As far as telling your mum is concerned, I can only comment on my own experience and thoughts. My abusers were not from my family, but they are known to my family. The first assault when I was 8 by the group were known to my brothers, in fact one of them is a very good mate to my oldest brother.

The assault at 10 was by my mums best friends son.

The last assailt that started at 11 and ended when I was 12 was from the father of another of my mums friends. He was the worst, it was frequent and it was violent. I NEVER sent up any red flags, in any of the assaults so no one knew about them. There was never any reason to suspect that this was happenening to me. In fact, mum told me off once for not wanting to go to the old mans house for lunch one day saying I was being selfish because he was just a lonely only man new to town that didn’t have many friends and it was just for lunch - she had no idea I was being raped on these visits.

I blamed my parents for a long time in my late teens, I felt they hadn’t protected me, I turned to drugs and alcohol - anything that made me feel like I wasn’t me anymore. The thing was, they had absolutely no idea that I needed protecting. I was from a small country town where everyone knew everyone, no one had ever really heard the term peadophile, and this man not only groomed me, he had also groomed them.

So, do I tell my mum now? For me the answers no. Sharing my pain with her doesn’t halve it for me, it doubles it because now she’ll hurt too. I know that if she even had the slightest inkling that anything was happening she’d have done him in herself.

My anger and hate is directed at my abusers, where it should be directed. I don’t fully know your story, I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your parents, particularly at the time you were hurt, so only you can answer the question on wether you tell her or not.

You need to do what’s best for you. Deep in your heart you know what your answer is. As for moving on, I have no answers or advice, I’m stuck right there too. I’ve been stuck there for 40years, I’ve been able to push it down and ignore it for the most part, but it has ultimately shaped me into the person I am today, and that’s not particularly the person I really want to be.

I hear my own pain, hurt and confusion reflected in your posts, and my heart aches for you as much as it does me. I hope you can get some clarity and peace while your in hospital. I’ve never had a hospital stay, but from what others on this thread have said it sounds like there is a lot of help available to you. Make the most of it, forget everything that is happenening at home, you can’t do anything about it from there, but you can work on you and what you need right now.

I wish I could reach through and give you a big hug, instead just know you are in my thoughts ❤️❤️

Hi @Razzle

when I told my parents my mum was home snd when I asked “where’s dad” her reply was “he doesn’t want to see you” which I know is bullshite because he would never say thst. Thst is my mum controlling the whole conversation. I started telling her the memories and the abuse to which she quickly stopped me and said “hiw dare you wait 30 years to tell me” I replied because I only remembered the abuse niw. She turned to my hubby snd said with her finger pointing st him “and you are not a proper husband because you should hsve told me” my hubby replied “it’s nit up to me to tell you snd I respect what my wife says”

she ranted and raved very angrily. She wouldn’t let me talk at all. So I got up grabbed my bag and walked out. She followed snd daid “oh well you live your life and dad snd I will live ours”

I wrnt in the car snd eas hysterical. Sobbing. Couldn’t tslk. I went home snd straight to bed with a migraine.

Then my parents had no contact eith me fir 4 years.

My grandma passed away snd I thought I would tslk to my parents. They were ok and nothing was mentioned about “that day”. But after a year I was in hospital snd I phoned mum and agsin she abused me. So I hung up on her and threw the phone. Thank god I was in hospital (where I am niw) as I got fantastic support from staff as well as a med to calm down. We then didn’t talk fir 2 yrs.

last year agsin while in hospital my daughter had her bsby. For some reason I thought maybe I will ring them and tell them about their great granddaughter. I called and she was fine. We are still talking but I’m very careful what I say sbd inly visit once a month.

Me telling her would ruin our relationship of what we have. It would really damage my dad. Thst I csnt do.

I’m nit sure. But if she comes straight out and asks me I think I would tell her.

I am angry because I wasn’t protected when the abuse happened. Where was she as a mum.

But jm more sngry at the abusers especially my brother.

@Razzle@Shaz51@Owlunar@Faith-and-Hope@utopia@Zoe7

Don’t know if I shld be here.

Didnt dleep well last night because of shoulder. Got stronger pain meds last night after complaining.

Hsving ultrasound tomorrow morning.

Inly did one group today on anxiety. It was good.

Sitting alone is horrible. The dynamics of prople in here this time is very different. Can’t gel with any of them. Maybe it’s too soon.

I just want to stay in my room.

Hubby snd D with Ayla came which was nice.

❤️ @BlueBay .....

@BlueBay