not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

That sounds positive - and you are not in a hurry to sell the house - the right buyer will come along

Yeah - around here they are building townhouses on land - some they leave the house and build a pair of townhouses on the land after they split the title - I walk around the streets for my consitiuational and I watch what is selling - I am 2 -3 km from the beach so that is part of the advertising - and you have that on your side too -

About your stress and tension - I just got an idea - let your stress out in little bits - when you feel it building up go out for a while with Jersey then come back and get on with whatever ever it is - then you won't have a major blowout

I am so in love with that idea - I should try it myself - I think I will

I don't like this humid weather - I was tired last night and I could have done some work here but I was reading instead - my dd got me The Book Thief a really good read - I guess I feel like reading all day but I want it to last for a bit

It so humid I would like to go down to the beach - I think the buses run on Sunday - if I don't go at least I can think about it all day

I'm sorry about yesterday but yes - maybe it was something that had to happen

Dec

Hello @BlueBay

sending you hugs my friend

when you said , speak up because we don't know what you're thinking. Bloody men!!! -- I had a little smile on my face knowing totally what you mean xx

i think things happen for a reason-- I beleive it too my friend , stay postive ,

Hi @BlueBay

Just popping in to say sorry your house didn't sell. I hope you are feeling a little better today. You've really been in the wars lately. I hope today you get to rest up and do some self care.

Hi @BlueBay .... 😊💕

I read your post when I woke up during the night, and didn't answer at that time because I needed to get back to sleep .... and now it has taken me all day to get back around to it ....

You will be waking up soon, as I am heading off to bed.

I am much better .... even went for a walk yesterday, and I plan to go for another one tomorrow .... every second day until I am sure I am properly over this nasty flu.

WH and MIL have both had a rebound of it, cos they haven't been resting and / or eating properly .... and the result is that they have got it for longer !

My D3 was the last to come down with it, so she is not well again yet, but she is resting and eating well, so she should be okay again in a few days.

💙💕

@BlueBay

Dont worry maybe it didnt sell for areason, as you said you really wanted more anyway - just be patient.

I'm glad things are looking up for you thats wonderful and that you feel better!

Take care

Hi @Change123@Faith-and-Hope@utopia@Former-Member@Shaz51@Decadian @Zoe7@oceangirl and others on here 🙂

Today started off okay. I had an appt with a mental health nurse as my psychologist is away for a few weeks due to personal matters. I saw this nurse two weeks ago as well. She seems nice. But today I told her about my daughter and I can't remember what happened but we were talking about my parents and the next thing I was in a corner of the lounge covering my head with my hands and sobbing. Not really knowing where I was or what i was doing. It took quite a while for me to 'come out of it' . It was the worst I have been ever.

I finally left and i don't know how on earth i drove to my psychiatrist's rooms for next appt. I think i was still dazed. My body felt exhausted and still is.

I walked iinto my psych's room and collapsed in a chair. he asked what was wrong and i told him in between crying. i was staring into space and telling him i can't do this anymore, i ddon't want to tlak about this anymore. and all i kept saying was it was horrible, it was horrible. but i couldn't remember how the conversation started for me to end up like this.

he told me quite firmly that i am not to see this mental health nurse anymore. and if i can't see my normal psychologist then i am to see another psychologist who deals with trauma. i think he was quite angry at what had happened.

i told him about me being a grandmother and he was really happy and was happy that i was happy. he said to me that this is my 'turning point' in life. that things happen for a reason and now it's time for me to enjoy MY life with MY children and grandchildren and not to dwell on my parents.

he said i have two options:

1. be the best grandmother i can and dwell on parents and feel sad etc OR
2. be the best grandmother i can and enjoy each moment with my daughter, my grandchild and my sons and hubby

It's my choice. We talked about me being so scared of 'getting better and losing my support people'. he said he will never abandon me and nor will my psychologist. he said i am able to see him for however long it takes; he will never say 'no you can't come anymore because you are better'. He also congratulated me on bringing up 3 children who are very good kids; and considering all the trauma i have gone through the past 7 yrs he said i have done a fantastic job. It was nice to hear but i struggle taking compliments from others. i really do.

I am home now, feeling heavy in my body. I have to make dinner (spag bol) soon and then i will go for a walk (once i put the washing out).

I hope you are all doing okay, i often think of you and wondering what you are all up to.

chat again later xxxooo

Wow @BlueBay What a day!

I have been in that place before where you don't know what has happened and how you got there - it is really scary. I am so glad you made it to see your psychiatrist and could tell him what happened - as far as you could remember.

It does seem that whatever triggered you with the mental health nurse they were not equipt to help you. So your psychiatrist is right - you don't need to be put under that kind of further trauma when they can't then help you deal with it. It's just too destructive for you.

He is also right re you two options. I do know that being positive is so hard but you have raised 3 wonderful kids despite the trauma you have endured. Your daughter is wanting and needing you to be with her every step of the way - so that shows she not only respects you as a mother but also as a role model for her and her baby That is something that you can be very proud of within yourself.

As for support - it seems that your psychiatrist has shown a commitment to always be around for you and that should give you some piece of mind. You also have the full support of everyone here on the forum and that also will not change. I know how hard it is to ask for that support - and never to expect it - but am starting to realise myself how precious the people here are with their unwavering support in the good times, the bad times and the really bad times.

I have always believed in your strength (even when you haven't) and will continue to support you when I can to help you believe in it yourself and to get through the days that aren't as bright. I know you struggle with compliments (I do too - I just don't believe I am worthy of them mostly). But the fact is we are all worthy (I am trying to believe this myself also) and you have not only endured a lot but you have also shown your ability to keep going and do the absolute best for your family through it all. So YES my friend, you have shown incredible strength and resilience and now it really is your time to just be HAPPY!

Thinking of you and sending huge hugs

Zoe

Aw @BlueBay

All that crying - I must admit I had a crying spell myself about my mother this week and rang Life Line - buit those moments get further and further apart - I need to open a thread of my own

When we open our hearts to good news - the old stuff has a pathway too - and it can really hurt and you have a hurt with all the joy of your new grandchild

Your mother will not know - quite possibly in time she will find out - but she will not have the joy of her first great-grandchild - and that is her burden and her choice - but yeah - it will bring back the hurt all over again - and I understand this

But how great that your psyche who can be so weird at times said that you can always go to see him - he won't abandon you - and neither will your psychologist - you are getting better too - you are making your points more clearly and this is really a good sign

But yes - you have the choice of being a wonderful grandmother and enjoying all the things that come with new life - and being happy or unhappy - I am a bit different with all of that - time has taught me that old wounds can open at times - and that this is normal

For all the trouble with the nurse and the crying - you had a great session with your psyche - such good news

You may not have read what a psyche nurse asked me the first time I spoke to anyone about my not coping with my son and needing to see a psychiatrist - she asked me a lot of questions then asked

"Do you hear voices?" and I stared at her and said "Of course - there's nothing wrong with my hearing"

Whether you see this one or not is up to you - but you have a very deep-seated pain with your parents and it needs qualified or Lived Experience to really understand and really care

Lots of hugs

Dec

Hey @Decadian @Zoe7

I have no energy to go for a walk. I did take Jersey outside for a play with the ball.

My head is heavy, my body is achy. I think it's a reaction to what happened this morning.

I have taken my psych's advice and not see this mental health nurse again. She was nice but obviously not trained in trauma.

I'm sure my mum will find out in time when myu sister goes to visit. But do you know what - I don't care anymore. I have a beautiful daughter who is going to have a child of her own. Damn why do i say 'i don't care' when actually part of me still does. gosh i get angry with myself. why do i lie with sh't like this. of course i am angry i am seething that how any mother can be the way she is. This isn't her first great grandchild, this will be her 6th and has she seen any of them - NO.

@Decadian i know you understand because you've been in my shoes before with your mum. As i am typing this i am sobbing. i need to be with something right now. and i am home alone