not feeling good

@utopia I am glad you understand what I am trying to say.

And thank you for being with me and holding my hand in my garden. I did water the plants and vegies and swept the leaves. I then came inside and cleaned the bathroom upstairs and mopped the floor. I also vac the kids rooms and they are all clean and tidy ready for open house tomorrow afternoon and saturday afternoon.

I am finding that with these thoughts, they tend to overwhelm me (as you prob guessed!!) and then it takes a long while for me to calm back down. I was thinking of calling lifeline as @Zahlia suggested but I will try to ride it through.

I will bring this up with my psychologist next week. Actually I am seeing a mental health nurse on Saturday as I was desperate this week and needed to talk to someone so my psych is away so they put me in with this nurse. And then I see my own psychologist on Tuesday.

I think i need to lay down and have a rest, calm my mind. i might even put some meditation music on and just relax. oh and i can hear the birds outside on the trees, it's so nice.

@Zahlia I find that my thoughts take me to horrible dark places, if i am getting worse i will call lifeline. thank you for your reply.

off to have a rest now. i will be back later on xxxooo

I'm glad you are finding positive ways to ride it through @BlueBay ... it does show you are getting stronger with all of your emotions and thoughts, you are gaining control.

I love laying down and focusing my attention on all of my 5 senses, what I can hear, taste, feel, see, smell. It helps me calm down when I get anxious.

Zahlia

Hi @BlueBay

I am definitely hooked into in some way because I only got onto my computer a few minutes ago and just read your thread

This is sad but I am glad you have shared this. What I see is probably not obvious to you but to me and possibly others who have been following your story it's really interesting.

In the past you were not saying what it was that was so huge - there were the obvious things like your mother - and boy - right now I am having a mother-time - it gets to me sometimes and I hate it - and also - your financially struggle - fears about your children - etc - and we all have those - but recently you have become more explicit - and this is good - you are working down your internal issues - and they are not pleasant at all - but they are there

So it seems you are tired of living but scared of dying - so many people are there - my mother told me several times she was afraid of dying but didn't wait for my answer - just repeated herself - but you have really explained yourself and this is great

One thing I know from my own experience - I nearly died when I was a young woman - 21 - and I was in hospital and I felt I couldn't go on and gave up and had a Near Death Experience. How do I know this really happened? Actually - two things - one is that I am not afraid to talk about it though I won't here and the other more important thing is that I am not afraid to die.

Whatever happens after I cannot tell you - but I know it's nothing to be araid of

Still - you are talking about your own fears and they are normal - maybe the fear is implanted within us so that we won't be rash and careless - we need to take care of ourselves and our health - some people need to be aware so they will not do anything rash

Also - it gives our lives value

Talking with Life Line or Grief LIne could help with this - as well as your therapist of course - and it is important -

And as these issues bubble up it will not be pleasant - we have told you this - that as you started to heal there would be things that would be horrible to face - I think like your mother-stuff - it was so huge that it blocked other thoughts or stopped you from voicing other thoughts

So enough for now - but it's unpleasant and normal - and I am certainly not in a hurry even though I am not afraid

Lots of hugs and best thoughts - Dec

Crumbs @BlueBay

No need to explain - our mother's did screw us over - I would love to tell your what I have been thinking about my mother for the last 24 hours - I have finished now - but I felt like yelling at her -

Which is weird - cause she has died - and maybe she knows but I would rather she never knew a thing about how much she hurt me really - I did a good job of hiding it during her life but I thought it

No - you are not at all wrong to have posted about your fear of dying - it's a very valid and important fact and a good idea to sort it out before you are facing it - say if you were ill - but maybe the fear is what stops you from SH and suicide - and if this is the case I am glad to hear this - I have often thought about what is holding your together when you have been in a bad place and the more you are expicit about what is happening - the more I can see the picture

LIke we both know - our mothers did a terrible thing to us - and I don't think my mother got out of life without having to face what she did - and I believe your mother won't either

But we don't have to do it - we just have to let things be as they are - someone - a very spiritual person said to me once - The universe takes care of its own - and I believe this

Hugs - Dec

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@BlueBay wrote:
@Decadian
I am so screwed up aren't I. And my mum did a good job of that didn't she?
I am really scared. It's weird because I have SH thoughts snd even suicide but then on the other hand I'm so scared of dying. It doesn't make sense.
It makes me really sad to think when I die I won't see my kids anymore. God why am I thinking like this. I need to STOP.
I

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Sending warm hugs @BlueBay. It makes sense - we want the pain to stop, not to die. How do you know you won't see your kids when you it is your time? That you won't be right there in spirit next to them. This gives me comfort. I feel like you do about losing my husband.

I understand the mental scars of hurt inflicted by those we thought would of loved and protected us. At the right time, when we are ready, we start the process of letting go and focusing on those who are loving us now. There is where the healing for me is.

When we feel down these thoughts can overtake - it did for me when I was going through menopause and when I feel sensitive now. Those mental scars are still there, I won't lie but I try and move my focus to the present ever so gently and lose myself in other things. Holding onto hope that this will soon pass and better times are coming. Thank you for your honest sharing and trust in us. Sending lots of love 💕

Hi @BlueBay. I had to log off for a bit. Stuff in my head.

You still struggling tonight? did your hubby and kids come home yet?

Have you managed to go for a walk, when the weather cooled down. The sun is just setting here and the clouds are coming over. just enough to block out the stars but not enough for rain.