not feeling good

Aren't you busy. You don't have to chat to me if you're busy @Zoe7

I'm so damn emotional. Can't do anything right at the moment.

If I went to bed now I think I would stay awake rehashing today.

I can't go forward. I'm scared. I'm fearing so much. The unknown of future my life. I'm scared of my depression that I will not get better and my BPD and also cptsd. I don't know if I'll ever get over the trauma of being abused.

My life has been taken away snd I'll never get it back. It's gone. My childhood is gone. It was robbed from me. I find it extremely difficult to accept that I have depression and BPD snd cptsd. I just can't accept.

Sorry I don't know what I'm saying I'm writing stuff coming out from my head.

Im sorry @Zoe7 i hope I'm not bothering you. I hate to bother people. I feel so lonely tonight. Hubby is watching footy snd I can't even tell him how I'm exactly feeling. Pretty pathetic aren't I ?

I'm really a hopeless pathetic person who will never to be a positive person.

Crap life deserves crap forever 😥😥😥

Firstly @BlueBay I think it is great that you are writing all this down and I am quite willing to stay here with you and read what you write...

Second - you are not a hopeless pathetic person - what was done to you is pathetic and so-one should ever have to endure any of that - we both know that is true - just hard to tell yourself when you feel so down on yourself.

Third - I have plenty of time at the moment - I am not too interested in the footy but will watch the soccer when it comes on - yep I will dump you for a soccer match - don't be too offended though - even Toby won't get any attention while the game is on lol

Thankyou @Zoe for staying with me. I think I'll be in bed by the time the soccer starts. Hubby and my son will be up to watch it.

I'm confused like so many tangled webs in my head. Zoe I wish I could ring my doctor to talk to him but he's closed now and I need to learn to not rely on him. It's so hard. I rely on people to help me. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I want to stay home. I want to hide away. I just want to take a med snd sleep for a while where no one can bother me. I just want to think about my life or what I have. I don't have a good life or a happy life. I don't know I could ring work tomorrow and call in sick. And then I would be home alone. But I know my doctor wouldn't be happy because he knows I'm not good when I'm home alone. He's says it's too dangerous for me to be home alone. I don't care I have to think about me.

I do agree with your doctor @BlueBay - you do seem to struggle even more when you are home alone. While you can keep yourself busy you are at your safest and it leaves less time for your negative thoughts to take over. I know how debilitating those negative thoughts can be and it is much better that you keep as occupied as you can - even posting here is keeping occupied Hon and you are doing a good job of that Also think of the money - I know that is an ongoing concern for you so if you do not go to work then that is less that you will have and I know that will worry you even more ....

Consequences for actions is maybe something you can begin to look at - these are not negatives either - for example one of the consequences of giving Ayla a hug is you get a warm and welcoming smile from her - so the action is the hug and the consequence is the smile - think about all the positive actions you can take and the possible positive consequences you get from those...

@Zoe7 Stupid phone. I typed something and lost it all.

Start again .....

i understand what you're saying about me staying home. If I stay home I know I'll end up ringing my doctor and I know I'll be really bad. But I don't think I can go to work. I want to avoid work altogether. Also I then won't have to go to a work dinner tomorrow night. I'm not very social anymore.

Oh im not good tonight. My mood and thoughts are very dark.

I feel very fragile that I'm crying at everything tonight.

Msybe I need bed.

Maybe bed is a good idea BB but I am happy to sit here with you until you decide @BlueBay. If you are not wanting to go to work just to avoid that dinner then make up an excuse - like you are sorry you cannot make it after all but you have Ayla for the evening - that way you don't need to feel guilty about not going and they won't try to talk you into it either.

@Zoe7 I don't know what I want. If I go to bed I'll just be crying so much. What's the point of bed.

I think the session has left me triggered overwhelmed fragile and emotionsl. I feel I should just give up. I told my gp I should stop my meds. He said why? I told him because I will be better without them and I wanted to try. He turned around and said it's not a good idea to do that. I'm so tired Zoe I wish I could give you a big hug for sitting here with me.

You're a beautiful friend. I'll go and try to sleep not sure how I'll go. We'll see. Good luck eith the soccer. Hope the Aussies can win. I'm scared to leave here tonight but I'll log off for now.

Goidnight Zoe ❤️Xxoo

I am going to stay logged on here tonight while the soccer is on just in case you can't sleep straight away. Goodnight by beautiful yellow flower. Think of me sitting on your shoulder giving you little butterfly hugs all night @BlueBay

@Zoe7

Im in my car waiting for work. I dont want to go in. I could easily turn around and go home. I didn't sleep well awake at 2.30 going over my session and then again at 4.30. Then weird dreams.

I could break something right now that's how I feel. Finish work at 2pm. I don't want to go. I want to be at home where I feel ok and safe.

My anxiety is creeping up. I feel sick in the stomach. I don't want to go to work. I need to fight this Incredible high urge of wanting to run away and disappear. It needs to stop but it's not. This is too much right now I've still got 1/2 ge before work