not feeling good

@utopia It's too late. I just wrote to you.

I should have listened to you. I'm sorry I never learn.

I get really scared that I will lose my support people if I do something wrong like last night. And the not knowing was killing me.

@utopia

Why can't I just be like you and listen to what you say.

Why can't I just be normal.

Why do I have to be like this.

I get so angry with myself and best myself so much for such a long time thst I internalise my anger

I then hate myself for my behaviour

its a vicious circle

I just need to stop this bad behaviour that's hurting me but others

@BlueBay. Yes you have BPD.So you know what will trigger you. Worrying about messages sent.

So it will be good to practice everyday - sitting with that fear. Overtime it will become easier.

Have a good day at work

@utopia@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope

I feel horrible

not coping

work is shit

no one talking to me

its shit

i hate being here

i don't want to be here anymire

i want to go away

i should just take a tablet and go

no more crap

i can't do this anymore

Things are feeling really full on for you today @BlueBay. If you're concerned about your immediate safety, please contact Lifeline 13 11 14 or 000. Look after yourself. We're sending you an email 🌻

❤️ @BlueBay

@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@utopia@Zoe7

I think after last nights stupid thing that I did has really played a part on my thoughts and behaviour today.

I have BPD and I hate it. I hate myself for how I behave and think.

I wish I was like you all because you all reply to people with intelligent posts. Your all smart and caring. Your all beautiful people snd I wish I was like one of you.

Buti csnt even reply properly to you guys. I never know what to write so I don't write much because I'm not intelligent.

My BPD has snd still is affecting me. It's ruining my life and I'm not sure I have the energy to keep fighting.

You do have the energy to keep fighting @BlueBay and you need us here to keep telling you this Hon - this is what we do for you - we tell you what you need to hear when you can't tell yourself becsuse of your negative self-talk.

It doesn't matter whether you can or cannot reply to us - sometimes it is simply you that needs support and we are here to help give that to you. I believe there will be a day that you are feeling better about yourself and will be able to provide a similar level of support for others but for now your job is to lean on us and let us help you get through this - today is what is important and letting you know that you matter, you are cared about and we are here with you

I'm crying @Zoe7 I don't know that I deserve any help at all. I don't deserve. I must have been a bad girl to deserve the sbuse. I feel helpless and worthless. I was going to ring my doctor snd tell him I was going to take some meds and be done with it - but I didn't. I'm so tired Zoe I can't keep going. I wish I could get s hug right now. I so need one. I'm not doing well. It's all my fault. I just don't know. I feel like sleeping forever. Zoe you are such s good friend to me more than what a real friend would do. But then my real friend don't know all this. I'm such s mess.

The first thing you need to do Hon is breathe - take some nice slow, deep breaths @BlueBay

what you are dealing with nobody should ever have to deal with BB - but we do and we know how hard it is - I know how hard it is and can completely see why you feel like you do - but you are not your past BB - you may still be dealing with the memories but that is what they are - you are safe now Hon. You have so many wonderful things in your life - it is times like these when you cannot see a way forward that you need to put all your energy into thinking of those things - you have a family that loves you, your dream house and that beautiful little Ayla. The sun will rise again in the morning BB and we are both going to be here to witness that because that is what we do - we fight to keep going and wait for a new day to arrive - you got this Hon