not feeling good

@utopia@Zoe7

I can't sleep. It's pouring with rain and it's loud. I've been crying while holding my pillow very tightly.

Ive made another big mistake and this shows you how my mind works - I had to msg my doctor agsin. This time I apologised fir the message and hope he wasn't angry with me. I also told him if he doesn't want to see me anymore it's ok I understand because I stuffed up. Told him I'm hopeless and was really sorry.

I can see he read it but didn't reply.

Great now I've done a double whammy of a stupid dumb thing.

If he doesn't want to see me anymore I'll have to look fir another doctor. It's my fault. Why can't I just stop the first time. No i push and push. Then I regret it.

I guess I will ring tomorrow and see what he says. I hate myself my stupid behaviour my thinking process (there's none) my depression my stupid BPD which is causing a lot of this and my anxiety. And the childhood trauma well if that didn't happen I would be ok. I would be normal. Msybe I deserve all this like punishment. Now I'm going on too much.

Ok take a deep breath.

A deep breath is good @BlueBay

You have done it now and there is nothing more you can do - you have apologised and that is all you can do.

This will all be plating on your mind and that is likely a reason you can't sleep - now is the time to replace those negative thoughts with some positive ones - little Ayla for example... lay down and imagine her little face on yours, the feel of her hand gripping your fingers, the smell of her and her laugh....

Yeah @Zoe7 that sounds beautiful. Little Ayla next to me in bed. Snd she's touching my face with her little fingers. Ok I'll try to go to sleep agsin snd think of her❤️

BB xx

Great job @BlueBay - what a beautiful image I have now of you and little Ayla sleeping side by side

Hi @BlueBay I have probably missed you tonight, but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. I had a very draining day - just work, too much work, and haven't been on here. It sounds like you had a very draining day for all sorts of reasons. I'm wishing you rest tonight and hope you wake feeling a bit better. Take care.

Don't call your doctor today :-@bluebay. There is no need. Just let it go.

I hope you get some knitting done today.

Hi @utopia

I'm now worried that because I stuffed up that he will be sngry eith me and I need to know he's not. That's my thinking process.

Or do I leave it like you say.

@BlueBay today try to sit with that feeling of not knowing his reaction. Is good practice.

He's already told you many times he won't quit on you. Trust that. Focus on that's what he's told you before.

If the fear gets strong - knit, clean, divert your attention.

You can do it.

@utopia@Zoe7

I know you both are prob going to say i shouldn't have done this but - I phoned my doctor this morning. I had to know if he was angry with me. See this is my BPD behaviour and this is what i do. So I spoke to him and he knew I why I rang. I apologised fir sending the messsges but told him I was angry and hoped he wasn't angry with me. He told me twice that he wasn't angry eith me and said he would tell me if he was. He said let's move on from this snd not worry about it. He asked how I was and I told him I was struggling. Told him I'm wirking this morning and he said make sure you keep yourself busy this afternoon because that's my worst time when alone.

I'm now glad I rang otherwise I would have stewed on it all day.

This is what happens - I make rash decisions or risky decisions then send messages or emails and once their sent I later regret it snd then worry stupid thst the person will hate me abandon me and will never want to see me agsin.

I have a feeling my doctor understands my illness quite a bit which if he does is quite good fir both of us. He has been a great support even though at times I think he's tough but looking back I know it's fir my own wellbeing.