not feeling good

@BlueBay. I like your new psychologist. She sounds on the ball.

@utopia

She is good and knows her stuff I just have to trust her more snd have faith that I can get better. I have to believe in thst but trouble is I don't. I don't believe or am scared of getting well. It's weird I know but it's an abandonment issue. I have to work on this with her. She is very caring and genuinely wants to help.

Ag least she doesn't leave the room each time I cry - like my old therapist used to do. It was terrible. I couldn't express how I felt cause h would walk out.

@BlueBay. Put effort into trusting her. You can heal. Listen to what she says. I believe she can help you. I believe you can do it.

@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Shaz51@Zoe7

I just came home from seeing my doctor for the lump on my head. He looked at it snd said it could be a folliculitis but because it's still small he can't cut it. So we have to keep sn eye on it to see if it gets bigger.

I asked him if he got my msgs from Tuesday and he said no. Thst made me angry. He said the girls are meant to record it on computer. But do I trust him - msybe he got msgs and forgot to call me. Either way he apologised twice. So that's ok.

We talked about my session this morning snd he understands how traumatic it must be for me. But he said I need to have a plan for the afternoon because there my worst days when I see my therapist. He wanted me to go fir a walk snd asked me to promise him I would go. I started to cry snd told him I csnt because I get very very anxious leaving the house for a walk. He wants me to ring him back tonight at 6 before he closes to let him know how I went this afternoon.

Some days like today I think it's all too much. I can't do it anymore. It's exhausting and I don't know if I have any more energy to keep fighting. I feel like I'm done.

@BlueBay. Have you gone for your walk yet? Even just around the block. Will be good to get some fresh air.

@utopia

I can't. I just can't step outside and go. It's like there is a strong hold where I'm so anxious in going. My son was home this afternoon so he and hubby asked me to go with them to a local cafe which I did.

Im home now might do some knitting.

You know @utopia i don't feel worthy of anything anymore. I don't feel I deserve the help support care or love of anyone.

I said to my GP "why do you have so much faith in me " and his response was that he knows I can get better snd he feels I am stronger than what I was a few months ago. I told him I can't see it.

I so messed up

I'm not good.

My GP said also that with my mental illness i will go up and down. It's just thst right now I am right back down agsin.

Just realised I haven't walked in months many months. I get very anxious at the thought of going fir a walk. I don't know why. I somehow don't feel safe. I get so nervous about going thst I end up staying inside and lock all the doors. It's like something huge is stopping me. I don't know what's going on.

My anxiety is not good

Fear holds us back from doing so many things @BlueBay - whether it be the fear of the unknown, the fear of the past or even the fear just in the moment. Fear is the thing that holds me back in so many areas - that and disappointment. For you, you have abandonment as well - that fear that those that support you will for some reason stop and I think this fear is permeating into other areas of your life - Fear can be overcome but it takes a lot of work.. maybe this is something you can talk to your psychologist about next time ...how much fear you have, where it is coming from and what baby steps you can take to help when you cannot see past your fear

Yes I think I will talk to my psychologist about this @Zoe7

it's a huge thing for me to deal with. Even trust.

Thankyou for your support

❤️BB xxoo

Fear and trust are my big ones too @BlueBay - I tend to have a fear of trusting anyone because all I have been is hurt when I have done that Even now - on here - I am mindful that anyone could leave at any time for any reason and that scares me at times too. I trust a couple of people on here and that is huge for me but still scares me at the same time... a bit like your fear of abandonment, I fear being disappointed - very similar and I know we both have our reasons for feeling the way we do.