not feeling good

Sounds like you had a busy day sis @Shaz51

and I'm happy to read your son has got a job. That's fantastic news. And nice thst he can share it with your hubby.

My police officer son just came home from work. He's doing two weeks on highway patrol and loves it. He and hubby have gone down to a local cafe fir a coffee and chat. It's nice that they spend time together. Just the boys.

Havr a nice night sis xxxooo

He and hubby have gone down to a local cafe fir a coffee and chat.--- that is soo nice for father and son xx

I think Mr shaz would love to live closer to his sons , it would be nice

you have a good night too sis @BlueBay, i think we might have Rav tonight

Hi @Shaz51@Flyingbutter@Faith-and-Hope@utopia@Zoe7 and others reading this

I called my GP this morning after not coping and having suicidal thoughts. He spoke to me for about 15 mins and said that he felt really sorry for me because i was dealt with a terrible situatiion as a child, and it wasn't my fault.

I told him i had stopped my meds because i was self sabotaging and he said it would be a good idea to go back on them and stay on them. But he understood the reason why i wanted to stay off them. I told him i am very very worried about getting better and abandonment to which he replied that now he understands why i am like the way i am. This doctor today is not my normal doctor, it is his partner. But i am sure that tomorrow this doctor will chat to my own GP.

He said to me that he understands the self sabotage reasons and asked how often i was seeing doctors 5 yrs ago. I said to him that back then not all of this stuff (abuse and my BPD) had come out so i was only seeing my GP every few weeks.

But now it is fortnightly but i do call him every few days.

I don't even know why i am writing this, i feel so messed up in my head. He also asked when was the last hospital admission.

My BPD is really creating a big mess in my life; i am creating a big mess in my life. My attachment behaviour and abandonment fears are really driving me at the moment.

Sorry you are struggling today @BlueBay. I understand the self sabotage. But I just want to make sure you understand something about psych medications.

When you keep going off your meds, and then go on them, and off again, the meds stop working to their full capacity. So it could be that you can no longer use that medication. Then you need to try a new one. That means at least trying it for 6 weeks. And each medication comes with a new set of side effects.

I'm telling you this, because if you need to self sabotage, maybe you could do something besides stopping your meds.

Can you think of something? What about not doing the washing. Or tidying up.

Hi @utopia

i understand what you're saying. But I think I'm self sabotaging to hurt myself even more to then get more help. But I don't know what more do I want. I'm not sure your suggestion would work because it needs to be on me. The sabotage needs to be on me. (Not sure this is making sense)

you're right though I do need to find another thing to come up with. And I think even not eating is to self sabotage.

What can I do instead?

whatabout if I just grab a journal and write. Write my feelings and whatever else comes up.

I do get what you're saying about meds @utopia. I'm back on them but I did tell the doctor today that I was just taking some day and night whenever I felt like it. But as if tomorrow I will take all my meds. I will also ring my own GP snd let him know what's going on snd about my meds.

BB xxx

@BlueBay -a journal sounds like a great idea. Get it all down on paper. My psychologis6t told me last week to do the same. Probably because I get stuck with tryihng to figure out what my true feelings are.

Yes I worry that if you keep doing it, then eventually there won't be any meds that will work. And I'd hate to see that. Because there will come a time when you wont want to self sabotage.

I do understand self sabotage needs to be about you, or on you. I used to drink. Everyday. That was part of my self sabotage. And we don't want you to not eat properly, because you won't be able to fight off any bugs you get. And when you get physically sick, your mental health suffers too.

Yes, I was struggling to come up with an alternative for self sabotage. I was trying to think of something that was safe.

But I really do like the idea of journal writing. My psychologist told me not to over think what I am writing. Just let it all come out. The aim is that by just letting it all go, that can help with the healing process. And also, it might make things a bit clearer to us.

So tomorrow I'll go and buy a cheap exercise book from the $2 shop. What about you?

Hi @utopia

Yeah I'm going to buy a $2 book as well. I used to journal my feelings and write whatever I felt years ago but i stopped because it was getting too negative and my then psychologist told me to stop. But I'll see what this new psychologist says. I think it's a good idea to get it all out.

BB xx

Thankyou @Flyingbutter

BB 😊

@Flyingbutter. I've been thinking about getting his book.