not feeling good

@Jupiter @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51

I'm trying very hard to stay busy and not get caught up in my dark thoughts. At the moment I am getting dinner ready. It's not easy thing to do, but I will try my hardest.

This fear of abandonment is still playing on my mind. I know what you said last night @Zoe7 that you and the others on here won't abandon me and you also said that my professional suppot team wouldn't abandon me - trouble is i don't believe it. i still believe that they will abandon me - and i can't have them do that. the thought of this happening is so huge i can't explain how big the thought is. it is worrying me so much, i have been panicking to the point of feeling sick in my stomach. I even think that my doctor will say to me - ok you are now better, you don't need to come and visit me or you don't need to call me anymore, that's it. that can't happen, no way, i can't be abandoned again.

you see, when i told my mum 7 yrs ago about my abuse, she abandoned me a second time, by saying well you live your life and we'll live ours (as i was walking out the door in a hysterical mess)

she never once tried to stop me leaving, she never once tried to console me when i was crying as i was talking to her; she never once gave me a hug and said i'ts okay i love you, you didn't deserve to go through the sexual abuse as a child, as our baby. she never once gave me a kiss and said sorry.

so in my eyes i was abandoned yet again by my parents, by my mum - the people who should have protected me, who should have loved me all the way, who should have cared and nurtured me all my childhood life - but no they didn't.

that's why i feel abandoned.

i lost it all, i lost a lot during my childhood. so why should i live now? why? what's the point?

i so deserve a hug, love care and nuture, i deserve a caring mum to say sorry, to say i love you. i deserve a dad to put hhis arms around me and take care of me.

i deserve a lot from them - and yet all i got was verbal abuse and yelling from her.

i am shaking, i am sobbing, it's not fair, life sucks, life is shit,

maybe i should just go ahead and do something - then see what they would say - would they feel guilty? i wonder what they would say? then again i wouldn't be here to hear it would I? would they feel guilty, would they feel remorse, sorrow, guilty - i hope they never ever forget what happened to me as a child and i hope they suffer for what they never did or cared for their child - me. 😞

Leaving a prezzie here for you @BlueBay......

Found it on my river walk this morning .....

@BlueBay ..... it’s not actually strange at all.

Part of the validation of our self-esteem comes from the love and care and sense of belonging that we would ordinarily receive from our parents growing up.

Some parents can’t give that for a variety of reasons, and generally, (I am guessing, happy to be corrected) it is because they have an mi issue .... whether it is unresolved, untreated PTSD from a trauma in their own childhood or adulthood ..... or a personality disorder ..... or mood disorder ..... or something.

That means we are left short. We need that love and self-esteem, but those who would normally be responsible for providing it are unable to, and it leaves us experiencing confusion and pain, unresolved in us until we can talk it through with a therapist, and help resolve those empty, unfulfilled feelings through our adult relationships, and by allowing our adult selves to communicate with our inner child ..... effectively we have to go back through our childhood memories and “re-parent” ourselves to feel healed.

Mental health professionals are the ones trained to help us do that.

That is why it is important to be honest and open with them about how we are feeling, and go through the processes they recommend towards our wellness.

💜

Goodnight @BlueBay