not feeling good

Hi BB. I've been offline since last night. I had a really bad night. I'm still not sure what really happened. I cried for no reason and really wasn't well - stomach ache and vomitting. I did sleep on and off but alot of nightmares. I tried to stay awake each time I woke up but couldn't keep my eyes open. I am wondering if it was something I ate as nothing else I did yesterday was different than normal. I feel really weak and very tired still today.

It has rained constantly here since the storm hit yesterday and I still have to deal with the flooded garage - but that will have to wait until it is drier and I have a little energy.

I understand the lack of money - I am still trying to get by on my income protection payments - which only just cover my bills and mortgage. I make sure they are paid and baby food is bought then food for myself. There is definitely none left afterwards for anything extra. I know you blame yourself for not having money but you didn't cut your hours back - they did - so try not to put that pressure on yourself - just like me - it is what it is and nothing we can do about it!

@BlueBay I know when you are not feeling so good your mind wonders to 'how can I be rescued' - that is a long standing pattern that you have developed in order to be felt 'heard'. I do understand BB but you don't have to go there - you can chat here or with your GP when you are staring to go down that road - because BB what you feel is very real and valid and we will listen (I definitely will )

What you want to do to yourself is a reflection of the pain you feel and a way for others to see that you are in pain. It is easy to identify that someone may be in pain if there is a physical injury that can be seen but when it is mental pain it is not as visible. You want to be able to 'show' that pain you are feeling so others can see it and support you - I get it BB. That is why 'talking', telling people you are in pain and asking for support is so important (I am not very good at this either ) I have my GP and psychiatrist but don't tell them as much as I am usually feeling. I am getting better at that but still have a long way to go. We will get there BB - and have each other to lean on when needed.

...always sitting on your shoulder my beautiful yellow flower...

Zoe

Oh @Zoe7 that's not good you being sick last night. Take things slow today, don't push yourself. It can take a lot out of you being sick.

You are so kind Zoe, yoiu're such a special persion who truly understands me. Everything you wrote is so true. That is exactly how I feel.

I have just been crying because I want to be heard, i want to be 'rescued'. But rescued from who and why. What do i achieve if i am rescued? All these questions.

I have just made an appt to see my GP first thing tomorrow morning at 8.30am. I need to tell him how i am feeling.

Lack of money is tough, i think this has been a tough year, selling our house, moving, it's all been hard, and then on top of that my hours reduced.

Zoe you know me pretty well, you're right a physical pain you can see but you can't see a mental pain, no one can see it. but inside me it is killing me. it is screaming. i am so glad i am seeing my GP tomorrow. it is so valid, it is so damn real and i do want to be listened to.

thank you so much for listening to me, i sometimes go on at times. but today i am so down.

thoughts of packing my bags and running away seem so real.

BB xxoo

You want to run BB when you are down as it is too hard to deal with the pain But 'running away' won't achieve anything but makeit harder for yourself - you do know that but it is hard to think that way when you are hurting @BlueBay

I am so glad you have an appoinment so soon with your GP - definitely tell him how you are feeling - even write it down today and take that with you just in case you can't get it out tomorrow. He has been so good for you and he really seems like he wants to help you in any way he can - that is rare (I am also lucky enough to have a GP like that). We both have wonderful GPs and we would be so much worse off without them

Crying is okay BB - even when you don't know why you are crying - it is a sign that things are not right! As for being rescued - you want someone (anyone) who will listen to hear your pain, truly hear it - not just recognise that you are in pain but someone to understand how incredibly hard it is feeling so emotionally in pain all the time. I think we often get to a stage where we don't think anyone truly gets it and that actually adds to our pain - but I get it BB and so do others here - so vent, go on about it as much as you need - it is not only good for you to get it out but also to know you are being heard

Hi @Zoe7 @utopia and othres who may read this

I haven't been well. The past week I have been crying quite a bit for no apparent reason. Especially at night when going to bed I would grab my pillow and hug it and bawl my eyes out. Hubby wouldn't know because he would be watching tv in the lounge room. I would then fall to sleep with being exhausted.

Running away thoughts, SH, ending my liffe, being rescued, being heard, all of this and more has been escalated since coming off a particular medication. my psuchiatrist never replaced it just took me off it.

My GP has been fantastic letting me call him daily and working out plans for the day on how to stay safe. I also called the CAT team yesterday and they were helpful. The told me that i was trying to do too many things at the one time. I need to stop and do one thing at a time eg. walk and not think of anything else. The guy i spoke to actually told me that he has seen me before while in hospital and spoken to me a few times and has said that my original therapist (who i had for 5 yrs) was not the appropriate therapist to have. i now know that but at the time i was led to believe he was the right one so i kept going bak and he never once in the five years told me that he wasn't the right guy.

Today i rang my psychiatrist and explained to the receptionist about my moods and SH thoughts and how i am travelling. i told her i don't know if i should come in and see my psych or what. she said she would speak with him and call me back. She called back and said that he wants to see me tomorrow morning. Now i don't know if he will give me a new medication or put me back into hospital. i really don't know or don't care.

the way i feel at the moment is hospital would be a break again and a circuit breaker for my emotions and brain to get back to being where i was a while ago.

let you all know how i go.

BB xxxooo

sending you lots of tender hugs and my love @BlueBay

hey there BlueBay,

we haven't met before, i'm still relatively new here. just wanted to say, hi and thanks for sharing. it sounds like you're trying to be gentle with yourself :). hope it goes well tomorrow.

Aww thank you @Shaz51

I hope you are well and your husband too.

xxx

Hello @Former-Member

ohh sitting with you on the beach together my @BlueBay xxx

hey hey @Shaz51. ooh, that sounds lovely - beach sitting. i'll come too on a warm night like tonight.