not feeling good

Hi @utopia

My daughter is coping really well. she has surprised me in how well she is doing as a mum. it is so natural for her. She is so good at being a mum. I'm so proud of her.

My good day didn't last @utopia. I am not good today, having called my GP and told him i wanted to SH and he tried to convince me not to. He told me to look at the positives in my life eg. baby and to talk to him about what i could do in the afternoon as a distraction. he said it is the 'illness' that is telling me to SH not me (the real me) if that makes sense.

i told him i don't care anymore because i am over it, i then sent him a message through facebook telling him i am over everything, i am scared of hurting myself and i am so upset at not losing weight and scared that i wont lose it and stay like thihs. i told him i hate being on meds and hate myself for it.

i have been crying most of the afternoon and now have a headache.

i ended up at the beach had a swim and now home thinking of dinner for hubby and me.

Why do we have days like this? my GP has replied yet but i am sure he will. he will prob be angry with me for sending him a message but i wanted to tell someone and he was the only one i could think of.

i feel like a little child when i do that (send msgs for help) i don't know why i do it at my age

Yeah, those hot days are terrible especially with menopause included. i understand that!!

Oh guess what? baby Ayla smiled at me today, first time - she smiled 🙂

BB xxxooo

Hey @BlueBay It seems like you are letting the negatives take over the positives in your life again! You do that when you are not coping as well - we all do

You do let that little child inside you dictate what you do - that is not a good or bad thing - it just is. Now try to tell that child that she is safe now and so are you. Think about little Ayla smiling at you - such a precious moment and hold on to that memory as that is one that will relive itself over and over again in the days, weeks, months, years to come. That beautiful granddaughter of yours is your new reality BB - she is right here and loves you - and you love her - hold onto that my beautiful yellow flower and let her be the light that shines for you every day

💙🐚💕 @BlueBay ......

Hi @Zoe7

You know each time i hold little Ayla i say to myself how lucky i am to have her in my life. But this is the 'rational' me that is talking. when the 'irrational/emotional' me talks it is everywhere.

I saw her this morning and was holding her and she was looking at me so much. i looked back and thought i couldn't leave her behind, i couldn't end my life and not see her anymore.

OMG - a huge wave of emotion just came over me - tears are flowing.

anyway i better go, i need to cover up my tears before hubby sees me.

thanks for replying, i hope you are okay, thinking of you my friend. sorry i haven't been on here much lately.

xxoo

Hi @utopia

i love swimming even though i can't swim very well. i love the water, it relaxes me, i feel so calm when at the beach, except for the sand and flies!!!

Yes, that smile how i will remember that 🙂 she makes my day everyday when i see her, she is so precious

@utopia i failed last night. i wrote a message on facebook to my GP's clinic and told them that i wasn't coping and was thinking of SH and was struggling financially, emotinally and couldn't care less of anyone anymore. My own GP replied saying to pls not write on messenger as it's not appropriate but to call the CAT team or call him in the morning.

Well this morning i was feeling okay, but i called and spoke to his partner GP who knows me as well. i told him what i had done and that i was very sorry and won't do it again and that my head now thinks they both hate me, will abandon and reject me forever and that i hate myself so muchy. he replied to me that he and his partner have discussed me and they realise now that when i do this kind of behaviour it's not me, it's my illness (the depression/BPD) and that i make bad choices when in this state of mind because they know that whenn i am okay my mind can make good choices. he told me they will not abandon or reject me; they don't hate me and they are here to help me.

I just wanted to cry, i told him i act like a child seeking help and reassurance. he said he understands and he will send an email to my own GP to let him know of my phone call this morning and my apology and what we spoke of.

now i feel better but still feel that they talk about me and must hate me when i behave likke i do.

@utopia will i ever learn? i get so angry with myself, but also it's like i like doing what i do. it;s like in my head i prepare these scenarios and call them for help.

in my head at the moment i am 'planning' a 'rescue me' scenario. and it's horrible but i can't get my head around this or even to forget about it. what is wrong with me. why do i keep doing this.

is it warm where you are today? it is really humid here, i am inside with the air con on. we have our xmas dinner for work tonight at a local restaurant. it should be okay.

No need to be sorry for not being here my beautiful yellow flower. Just popping in every now and then is enough to know you are around @BlueBay

You know I am always sitting on your shoulder too so we are never really apart

Enjoy those precious moments BB - little Ayla is so lucky to have such a wonderful mum and granddmother

I am doing okay - not good but getting through each day - and today just got a little brighter for 'seeing' you. Take care BB and I look forward to the next time you can 'pop' back in here

Love of a beautiful baby Ayla @BlueBay