not feeling good

Hi @Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Zoe7

I can't do it. I just can't. I so much want to but I can't

Doesn't make sense does it? I am not mentally ready to do it yet. I have sent letters before registered and she gets them. She finds ways of getting them. i know because she tells my sister.

I am not mentally ready for another emotional abuse from her. It doesn't mean i don't miss my dad because i so do, so much; it's just that right now i am not ready.

I am so screwed up; i am not thinking right; thinking of all sorts of things to do.

Sitting here crying i know you guys are right. my plan wouldn't work, it just wouldn't. i would get into trouble with the law, my mum would laugh at me and say 'see i always knew you weren't right' and my dad would just say nothing as usual.

And i would really hurt my own family, my chilren, my husband. i couldn't do it.

doesn't mean the thought has gone though, it is still here. i have my GP who is worried and is wanting me to call him whenever i am not doing well. even if it's daily he doesn't care, just as long as i call him.

So i guess i will just plod along hurt and rejected and abandoned by my dad and hopefully one day i will be strong enough and he will still be alive for me to see him. If not I will cry forever.......

💙🐚💕 @BlueBay .....

Hi everyone

Saw my psych this afternooon. Boy he was tough with me today. He was very firm with me and said that i need to be responsible for myself, my action and my thoughts. I can't rely on him for decison making, and that i need to start making my own decisons. i said to him that sometimes it's hard to make my own decisions, he replied 'well that's why i want you to start now making your own decisons without my help"!!!!

Damn was I angry.

He said that if i use the CAT team (which he wants me to use) then he can't possibly help me as he is in the private sector and he can't just stop everything to help me. He asked me what do I want and i said hospital stay. he said nothing will happen in there, i wouldn't get better in there in 2 weeks. He then rang the hospital and said there is a spare bed for Friday morning so he put my name down. Then i said I don't know if i should go in. he then got angry with me and said i need to make a firm decision. i said okay i will go. he said to me he needs to be firm with me otherwise the boundaries will be cut and i won't learn to make my own decisions or be responsible.

my psych also said that SH would not solve the issue of wanting to see my dad. it is not the right way of doing things. so he told me to basically forget that idea.

Right now i hate him.

When i left, i phoned my GP and told him what had happened as he wanted to know. i told him i am not sure about hsopital stay. he said to me that personally he doesn't think hospital would be good for me as it would help only for a week or two but once i am out i am not changed. he worries that it doesn't help me in the long term. he said if i am in a crisis sure enough hospital is the best place, but he is here to help me and so is the CAT team. he told me to sleep on it and decide tomorrow. and that i can phone him in the morning and we can chat again.

i came home and told hubby who agrees with me, i won't go in, i will chat with my gp tomorrow morning and get his help weekly.

i think sometimes i look for hospital as an easy way out. but thhis time i won't go as i know what to do. i need to find a place that does DBT as he strongly recommends me doing this program again.

Feeling very drained, unhappy and angry.

I swear sometimes I wonder why I am alive and here still.

My 24 yr old son just threw a plastic drink bottle across the kitchen bench and onto the floor.

All I did was say a simple comment about his gym top and he got angry and bang off he went .......

If this is the respect I get then it is better off that he goes into the police force and learns a bit of respect. and then i will only see him on weekends if he wants to come home.

i am so damn angry and hurt at the moment.

i don't deserve this right now 😞

Hugs @BlueBay .... I hear you .... and I have 20-somethings too ..... yes, they need to deal in respect.

💙🐚💕

Hey everyone

Not feeling too great this afternoon. I had the whooping cough injection today before baby arrives. Grandparents and family who will be close to the baby need to have it done. But also everytime I sit or walk I am really sore and not sure if I have an abscess, cyst or haemorroids. It has to be something because I can feel a lump and now I am so scared. I didn't mention it to the doc as i was too scared but i am seeing him again on Monday morning.

I googled up some things and it could be an abscess or cyst, i just don't know whether it needs to be cut or not. it is sore and stings and burns.

Home alone at the moment, nice peace and quiet. Jersey (dog) is laying next to me sleeping. She probably likes it quiet too. Boys and hubby have gone off to buy some meat for dinner. Not sure what they will come home with.

The wind has picked up now and the sun has gone. It's getting cold again, think i need to put the heater on.

Hi @Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Zoe7@NikNik

How would you cope if you were isolated at work?

I do my work and display stock on shelves and then another staff member comes along and changes it. I don't get a thanks for all the work I do; I never get included in conversations. I feel so isolated and alone. I stay because it's close to home and it suits me. but at the moment i am finding that i am feeling very isolated and feel not appreciated for what i do.

Posted on behalf of @BlueBay as she is having log on difficulties

Hi everyone
I've just come out of hospital after SH and my doctor calling the police who they called an ambulance while this was happening. Taken to hospital yesterday afternoon discharged tonight. But need to be admitted into private hospital on Monday. Possibly need to stay 7-10 days. Same hospital where I've been before. Waiting for a phone call from unit manager on Monday.
I feel like a failure. I'm embarrassed to go back to work because they now know what happened. The police went to my work to look for me. Even the police officer that turned up (I knew as a friend) totally ashamed.
My psych won't know as he is away and I won't see him until end of sept. That's why the public hospital psych want me admitted into private to get more help it's too long to wait to see my own psych. I'll have to see someone else.
I told them of my negative thoughts about getting in trouble with the police and they said is it still a real thing I would do. I said I don't think so. They said if it is I would need to be referred to forensic psych. But I told them for now the thoughts are not there.
Hubby is supportive with me going back into hospital but worried financially. Hopefully won't stay in for too long.
I may be off the forum while in hospital. Pls take care everyone.
BB Xxoo