not feeling good

No matter what you are thinking BB it is just that - thoughts. And the really good thing is that you are expressing your grief over your Dad here - and that is what it is sweetheart - grief. There is no set time frame or way for you to deal with this grief - it is a constant and ongoing process - and I know it makes it so much harder when you are grieving for someone who is still alive. I certainly do not underestimate how much this is hurting you and how much you miss him BB.

You have a sleep and we can chat again later my beautiful little yellow flower - and I'll sit on your shoulder while you sleep - and wrap my wings around you so you feel me protecting and comforting you as you sleep... @BlueBay

Zoe

Hi @BlueBay,

I'm sorry to hear that the grief over your dad is so overwhelming today. It is perfectly normal and reasonable to want love, support and a hug from your dad. I'm really sorry that you don't have that in your life.

Hi @Zoe7 @Phoenix_Rising

It is really sad for me and my children to not have the connection with my dad. There is nothing I can do. I have tried writing letters etc but that hasn't worked.

So I do nothing more now but grieve and cry. I hope that he is thinking of me and loves me. I know hje will be hurting just like me, because I am hurting so much.

I went to bed last night and cried so much that I thought out a plan in my head of what I could do - but then i thought i would get into trouble with the police and then i sobbed because i knew it was wrong and it wouldn't get me anywhere.

Hi @Phoenix_Rising@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@outlander

I have made an appt just now online to see my GP first thing tomorrow morning. I will tell him about:

1. my negative thoughts of SH
2. my thoughts of SH and wanting to self sabotage in the hope of seeing my dad
3. the plot i had in my head to do something involving the police to see my dad

My GP needs to know; he needs to know everything. I can't keep this inside anymore. If he tells my psych it's okay because he needs to know as well. I really want to see my dad but these thoughts are just that - thoughts. But at times they get so strong and feel so real that i want to act out on them.

So instead of waiting until Friday to see my GP i decided to make an appt for tomorrow. I hope he doesn't get angry or upset with me when i tell him what i was thinking of doing.

I'll let you know what happens.

Hi everyone

I saw my GP this morning first thing at 8.30. I told him everything. My plan of what i would do to see my dad. My SH thoughts just to see my dad.

He said that it wouldn't be a good idea to do this plan as it would hurt me more than anybody else. he said what if my dad still didn't come to see me. and with the new baby coming in 9 weeks time how would that be if i was injured. he said no that wouldn't nbe a good plan.

he asked why don't i write to him and post it. i said if i did that my mum would open it and return it without telling my dad. i know her far too well to know what she would do. she is evil and she won't tell my dad. she has done this before to me - retunred mail without my dad knowing.

He said he feels very sorry for me. He wants me to discuss this plan of mine with my psych when i see him tomorrow. But i don't think my psych will say much as he is only interested in my medication.

i don't know what else to do. my asthma is playing up and has flarred up so i am on extra puffs of medication. i am putting this down to either a virus i have picked up or stress.

i was very ashamed and embrassed to tell my GP but he finally got it all out of me. i just felt that someone needed to know what my plan was.

Maybe i should just disappear for a few days, declare myself a "Missing Person" and then get someone to contact my dad to reach me and i could see him. That's another plan i could do.

It's getting to a desperate stage now 😞

The problem with all your plans @BlueBay is that if they don't work then you will be in a deeper hole than you are now - and I think you know inside of yourself that they won't work - so please forget these plans but don't stop talking about how you are feeling. The loss of your father from your life has had such a massive impact on you - and this has amplified your fears of rejection and abandonment - and you carry these fears into every aspect of your life.

But here are the positives:

• you are still here
• you have a grandchild on the way
• you are a loving mother
• you have 'survived' despite all obstacles thrown at you in your life
• you are in your new house
• you have a GP that listens
• you have friends on here that care so much about you
• you are definitely loved by me
• you continue to reach out for support and talk about how you are doing despite your fears
• you are stronger and more courageous than you give yourself credit for

and I am so glad that I have met you....

...still sitting on your shoulder and continuing to love and support you (even when you can't see me here) ...

Zoe