not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so awful after your session with your psychologist. I have been reflecting on your question regarding how to cope with a difficult therapy session and I have to face a rather absurd reality in my world. Even though I have been "in therapy" for over twenty years, I truly believe that I have never actually "done therapy." I often read how other people here in Forum Land describe their therapy sessions and I simply can't relate to it. I recognise that my "therapy" has only ever been social support / case management.

I'm not sure how much of my story you know @BlueBay. I had a bit of a brain snap on Monday morning and vented out a pretty good summary of my muddle out on the ocean (i.e. on the riding a wave thread). I recognise that a huge part of my muddle is the oh-so-complex relationship I had with my psychologist of 16 years. And now I am in the situation of seeing (A) even though she and I both know we are not working at all well together because we are on such different wavelengths.

I have certainly had very difficult "therapy" sessions over the years, but "difficult" in my world has meant where "Fred" became particularly verbally aggressive or it escalated to physical violence on his part. Or, in more recent times, it has meant (A) triggering me to the point where I'm screaming or clawing at my own face and then having her continue to repeat the same thing again and again while I am still screaming/self harming so that my brain pretty much ends up fried - although happily we do seem to have moved past that stage...more or less. The idea of actual therapy being difficult simply doesn't compute in my brain.

However, on a brighter note, big feelings are big feelings irrespective of what triggers them, and I do have a few tools in my tool kit for dealing with big feelings.

You've done DBT haven't you @BlueBay? Do you remember any of the emotion regulation or distress tolerence skills from DBT?

As is probably pretty evident from the fact I live in the ocean off the coast of Forum Land, my go-to strategy is to let the waves of big feelings wash over me without trying to fight them. This means I don't judge them or think about what I "should" or "shouldn't" be feeling. They are just feelings and they are neither good or bad. They super super super hurt, but they will pass. I just need to ride them out.

I'm really getting into the yoga adventure too, and I find doing yoga super calming. Have you seen the "The great yoga adventure" thread? I did tag you into it the other day. There is a lot of research showing that yoga is super good for healing traumatized brains.

Um...what else... I super love my weighted blanket. That super helps me to feel calm. Oh and I cuddle my toy turtle a lot. He is sitting right here beside me watching me type.

If I am sad I often cry, or if I'm super angry, frustrated or despairing I will scream into my pillow. I also tend to rock and make weird noises to regulate big feelings.

I super love being near water, so sometimes I will go to the river, which isn't too far away, or I will jump in the car and drive to the ocean.

Um...that's all I can think of right now. Oh and of course I come and hang out here in Forum Land.

BTW, I heard it was your birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY @BlueBay!!!!!

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising for my birthday wish. Sorry I didn't reply to you earlier

I too love the water. I live about 15 min walk to the beach and in summer I am always down the beach.

Are you around today to talk to? Is anyone around to talk?

I feel down and really sad and emotional - because i miss my dad. I miss him so much I want to see him but can't 😞

This morning I was in the bathroom and just sat there and cried for him. Like a little child I cried.

Wish there was an easier way to see him. I can't say on here what my mind is thinking of doing because it is horribly and tersribly bad. I would get into serious trouble if I did what my mind is telling me to do - just to see my dad.

Hi BB - I'm around if you want to chat for a while @BlueBay

@Zoe7 i miss my dad

I know you do my beautiful little yellow flower

But what you are thinking is not the answer @BlueBay It won't change your situation and will only hurt you and your family.

Tell me all the wonderful things you love about your dad!

@Zoe7

My dad worked so hard for his kids, for me. He is a caring gentle soul. He wouldn't hurt a fly. He loves his kids and wants to see them happy. He would love to see his grandchildren but he can't. He doesn't even know about his great grand daughter to be born in 10 weeks. He is a quiet man who is now 80 yrs old and just sits around at home listening to my domineering and controlling mum.

All I remember is a photo i have in my memory of him holding me as a little baby. Me in a red knitted jumper with dark curly hair. How proud he was to be holding his daughter.

I just want him, I just wantg to feel him hug me. I feel like a little child again now. And now i am crying.

It's so not fair that my mum is a real cow; she is so horrible to me.

You have something really special with you @BlueBay - you have that wonderful memory of him holding you as a baby. It in no way makes up for what you are feeling now but it is a good memory. You have so many 'bad' memories tucked away - so to keep hold of this one so vividly is pretty special BB.

I am sure he thinks about you alot and his caring, gentle soul is within you also. I see how much you hurt but I also see how caring you are here - so I believe that you have so much of your Dad within you - and that is something you can hold onto closely - even though he is not there with you - he is within you!

Thank you for saying that @Zoe7 because it has been said before by one of my Aunties that i am like my dad. (makes me cry)

I just want to feel his arms around me and to tell me I will be okay. I want him to stand up to my horrible mum and tell her off.

See if i did what my mind is telling me then maybe i could see my dad by force. would that work??

You know it wouldn't work BB - you would just be in a worse position than you are now - and you do know that @BlueBay

you also know he isn't going to 'stand up' to your mum and that is so hard for you to come to terms with - I do know this. But you have so much to look forward to - he may not see his great grandchild but you will be an essential part of this child's life - and I am sure you will be the most amazing grandmother that can be

You're so right @Zoe7 I know I will be a fantastic grandmother. I just miss him so so much, i can't tell you how much i miss him.

yeah i know if i did something of what i was thinking i would get iinto serious trouble with the law so i better not. i sometimes feel desperate and then my miind starts to let me think of things that i could do to get his attention so i could see him.

but i would be in trouble with the police if i did. - and i can't do that, i know.

you know, i feel like a little lost child who is crying so much for their parent, in my case my dad. i am so lost in life that i am seeking my dad for love, support and a hug. is that too much to ask for?

How are you @Zoe7 ? what are you doing today? it is really cold here and windy. we bought some palms and planted them in our new garden before but now i am inside with the heater on. i think i may go and have a lay down for a while. so i will come back later on for a chat.

@Zoe7 i miss him so much.