not feeling good

Thank you my beautiful friend @Zoe7

you are so sweet and caring even when you are struggling yourself

I am lucky to have so many beautiful friends on here

BB xxxooo

I am glad NikNik has been in contact @BlueBay. I imagine it will take quite some time for this wave to pass. It WILL pass though. That's the cool thing about waves, they ALWAYS pass at some point...even though there is likely to be another one to follow.

There is no reason in the world for you to go away forever. Forum Land is a very big place - plenty of room for everyone. Indeed, it is SO big that I find it impossible to stay connected with everyone. That doesn't mean I don't like them or that I'm ignoring them, it's just that I don't have room in my brain or my day to keep up with everyone's news.

I am snuggled under my weighted blanket at the moment. Have you ever thought about a weighted blanket? Mine super helps me to feel calm. It gives me a snuggly safe feeling.

I have heard about 'weighted blankets' before. When i was in hospital last a lady brought her blanket iin and showed everyone. It was really nice and felt very comforting. I should look them up and purchase one. she did say they are not cheap, maybe i will save up first then buy one.

Think i will have the rest of the day off here, need to rest my brain, my mind and just me.

Time out is what i need.

Pls take care @Phoenix_Rising @Zoe7 thanks again for supporting me this afternoon. Really appreciate your help.

Thank you @NikNik and @NotLabelDefined

BB xxoo

@BlueBay

@Phoenix_Rising is right - forumland is a big place - plenty of room for everyone.

Running away forever is definitely not the answer for you BB - you need us - and we also need you

I don't know whether you actually get how much I personally care about you - you are one of a handful of people that I think about when I am not on here - and that has been the case since the very beginning when I first joined last year. Forumland is a very different place for me when you are NOT around - I miss you

I truly care and love you my little yellow flower...

Please take care... and please reconnect after you have some time out - I will be looking for you sweetheart

@Zoe7

you make me cry just reading your reply. i never thought anyone would care so much for me. tears are streaming down my face.

i always see myself as a useless woman in her 50's not knowing what she wants in her life. see myself as a person who is so screwed up that hurts people and i am so truly sorry if i have ever hurt you or others on here. it is never my intention to hurt others, i would never do that.

shaking with tears and not feeling too great, i need to let you know that i may have a day or two off from here just to resettle my mind; it is chaos at the moment. thoughts are everywhere.

you're right though - i do need all of you on here, i can't just go and be on my own. i need all of you.

I am hoping that the next few days is clearer for me and that i can see what really happened and understand the real reason behind all this.

Thank you Zoe, I do know you are struggling at the moment and i don't want to pressure you on replying to me. so no pressure, if you don't want to pls don't reply. it's okay. i don't want to pressure anyone anymore to write back. and if anyone thinks i have overstepped any boundaries pls let me know asap and not after a long time.

i struggle a lot with boundaries and I need to know if i have overstepped them.

Gosh, this has been a really hard day for me, full of intense emotions

BB xxxooo

I remember @BlueBay a long time back (it might have even been the beginning of this year) that I kept telling you you weren't bothering me at all and I would tell you if you were! So NO my beautiful little yellow flower - quite the opposite - I am grrateful that you are here and also understand completely if you need a day or more to just BE with yourself and collect your thoughts. I have been 'away' quite a bit lately myself - a bit of anxiety around the forum but mostly not being in any state to think - let alone support anyone.

You can continue to see yourself in a neagtive light and I will continue to remind you of the many positives I 'see' - you strength, your resilience, your caring nature, your honesty and your courage. All of these are what keep you going, keep you wanting to for things to get better, keep you connecting with us because deep down you know how much we really do care for you (even when you don't truly believe this yourself).

Yes it has been a huge struggle for me lately but I could not sit back and watch 2 people I care for in such pain without trying to do something to help - and it may have infact, inturn, helped me also!

Do whatever it is you have to do to look after YOURSELF BB. We will be here for you when you are ready to come back on or need support If that is in a week or an hour - that is when it will be my friend.

Thinkiing of you, sending you loving hugs...

...and still sitting on your shoulder...

Zoe

My son is leaving in a month's time. He is going to the Police Academy and living in the academy.

He starts his career as a police officer. he will be there for 8 months full time. he will have weekends off so he can come home or stay there.

I am so happy for him as this is what he wanted to do for a long long time and it took a year of applying, sitting the entrance exam to now - finally being accepted and getting in. I will miss him so much as well, he witty sense of humuor, his love of cooking, he is a great cook, his laughter, his great and silly jokes with his brother. I wqatch sometimes the way my two boys (adults) sit and chat, it makes me smile to see them so close and be so nice to each other. Not fighting or punching like they used to when little kids.

So now the house will be empty, just one child (21 yr old) left at home. I am sure my youngest will miss his brother, they did a lot together. Play footy together, basketball, tennis. they would go out together on sat nights with their mates. they would have their 'parma nights' with their work mates together and they would have ytheir 'drink' nights at home with their mates.

I am home at the moment, finished work at 2pm, my new shift has begun this week. Went for a walk with my youngest son and our dog jersey. came back and asthma flare up again. had to sit down and use my ventolin, now i am okay.

what happened yesterday has left me pretty scared to come on here and write stuff. i don't know if i should write anymore on here. i know i have lots of beautiful people on here who do care about me but i have a huge fear, maybe it's anxiety. i don't know. its a fear i now have for fear of losing another person.

it's left me very vulnerable, fearing of losing, fearing of being abandoned. it has shaken me up quite a lot and i don't want to talk about it becasue it will stir things up again. it was bad enough yesterday.

sill vulnerable and scared and very fragile

BB xxxooo

@BlueBay I can completely understand your feelings today about what happened yesterday. Even though it was definitiely not the intention that you would be hurt in any way your feelings are valid and also very much expected. It will take some time for you to be able to feel safe and secure again here - but that is also a natural reaction. Please be assured though that whatever it is you have to say - you wil be listened to and continued to be supported. This is a very big place (although in times like this it doesn't seem so) - and you have lots of friends here who love and care for you.

I do understand your fears, your vulnerability and fragility at the moment but will continue to assure you that you are not alone, you are supported, you are cared for and you loved here.

Sending you strength, courage, love and hugs...

...and still sitting on your shoulder...

Zoe