not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

I'm really sorry to hear that you aren't getting the support that you need at the moment. I feel really angry on your behalf that your psychiatrist is refusing between session contact. It is well recognised that people with BPD need more support than other client groups and it makes me angry that mental health professionals accept BPD clients but then don't provide the level of support they need in order to actually heal. Linehan (the developer of DBT) clearly states in the DBT treatment manual that clinicians who can't provide between-session support should not be treating BPD clients.

From my perspective, BPD is fundamentally an attachment issue. That is, because we haven't experienced a secure attachment, we tend to have massive issues around abandonment. Therefore, a secure attachment relationship with a therapist is key to healing the muddle. Linehan definitely understands this and she talks about how there will be times when the therapeutic relationship is the only thing keeping a client alive. However, from what I can tell, finding a therapist who actually "gets" this concept is like looking for a needle in a hay stack.

No one ever learnt to be independent and to self-soothe by constant rejection. Human beings have a fundamental need for connection. When we feel connected and like someone's got our back, then we naturally build independence. However, society seems to have this all topsy turvy and we seem to constantly get shamed for being "too dependent." From what I've seen, this sort of thinking extends to the way most clinicians treat people with BPD. They set boundaries with the aim of trying to avoid the client becoming too dependent. This doesn't make the client more independent, it simply reinforces all those core beliefs around the idea that no one cares etc.

When I read a story like yours @BlueBay it makes me wonder if I ever could get through the process to register as a psychologist because I know if I was treating BPD clients, I definitely wouldn't be expecting them to muddle through on their own for six days and twenty-three hours out of every week.

I wish I had something actually helpful to say to you @BlueBay, but maybe it will help just to know that there is a very cranky little turtle all fired up and wanting to make things better for those of us with BPD.

Thank you so much for your understanding @Phoenix_Rising

I know you get it. It is so right what you say in that the more people want me to be independant the more I cry for help and the more I feel no one cares. That is so true. this is how i am feeling right now.

i don't think i ever had boundaries as a child, my mum wouldn't even know what a boundary is, let alone put a boundary on me.

so how was i supposed to know what a boundary was. attachment issues is a big one for me. i know i struggle with that with everyone i meet. and it so damn difficult. i cry so much because i can't fix it, i can't fix my own problems. and it is really sad.

my psychologist this new lady that i have is nice, but i am not sure about attachment issues with her yet, i will need to talk to her about this recent issue with my psyuch and what he told me to do (call the CAT team). she needs to know how i am feeling.

BPD sucks big time; i hate the word, the diagnosis and how we suffer

BB xxoo

Hi @Phoenix_Rising @outlander @utopia @Former-Member @Zoe7

An update:

I went to see my GP yesterday and asked him if he was angry with me because of all my visists to him. He replied 'of course not, why would i be angry'. he said he is not angry with me, i have an illness and he is my doctor and here to help me in any way. i told him its my BPD and my behavouir and thoughts that keep me thinking he is angry with me and that he hates me. He said no way does he hate me and he will help me. he told me that i am improving, i can't see that but he said he can see it.

he said he has a plan - he wants to see me weekly every friday after work to catch uup on the week and see how i am travelling. And he wants me to call me when i am feeling i am not coping, when i am in crisis, when i am wanting to SH or worse. he still he may not be able to talk to me straight away as he may have a patient with him but he will always call me back. he promised me he will call me back and i promised him that i won't think he is angry with or that i am scared to call him. i told him i was really scared to go to see him yesterday because of fear his was going to say sorry i can't see you anymore.

i explained about my abandonment and rejection fears because of my parents and he now understands.

Thank god for this GP, he is amazing and really wants to help me. As for my psych well i do now understand where he is coming from, he is only there for admission to hospital and meds. he can't be taking calls from everyone, he is busy psych.

i got reslts back from blood pressure 24 hour monitor all good, breast screen test all good, ecg all good. just need to fix my mental health - not so good. asthma - need to use my preventer every day

Reg my son going into police academy - the date is end of Aug. he has resigned from his job and is having 2 weeks annual leave before he goes in. Bit of paper work to do for theh police force but thats all done now so it's just now waiting for final offer and orientatoin paperwork. So anoher child leaves home 😞 just left with youngest child who tells me that when he finishes Uni this year in October he plans for work over summer and travel overseas next year before working full time.

So many changes ..........

That all sounds really positive @BlueBay. I am so glad you have found a good GP. My GP is my primary support here in the real world too. She is amazing, although I fear she is starting to feel as despairing as I am regarding the hopeless task of trying to find a decent therapist.

This is the first GP I have ever had who has taken the remotest interest in my mental health and I've been seeing her weekly since November when therapist-take-eight dumped me. It is encouraging to know that there are other great GPs out there too...although like good psychologists, they are sadly few and far between.

It is great to hear you sounding so much more positive @BlueBay. I'm so glad that your GP "gets it."

Hi @Phoenix_Rising @outlander @utopia @Former-Member

I almost made a big mistake on myself at work today

I was cutting boxes up with a stanley cutter and well lets just say I was thinking of SH

I was very close because I thought if I did i would see my dad

it didn't happen, voices in my head kept talking

i hate these voices, i really do

thenn i had voices telling me to do something even worse than the above

why is this happening?

i hate this, i really do, i will never get better will I?

Hello @BlueBay

I think the most import word there was 'almost'

I haven't had too many voices, but I had visual things - they didn't tell me what to do, they didn't do anything at all . . . . except collect data. But I hated the fact that I couldn't stop them, so in that way, I think I understand a little.

I don't 'see' them anymore, though sometimes it's like they're still lurking in the shadows, . . . but I feel like that's ok because that's where they belong. I guess what I'm trying to say is - Yes you can get better, maybe not a total and perfect cure, but definitely better

Niqua has made a very good point of 'almost' @BlueBay

dont give in to those voices, i know its hard but dont let them win. walk away if you have to and do something else, find something else in the shop that you can do until you calm down then go back to it

Hi @BlueBay,

It sounds like you had a super tough day at work. Well done on not acting on the urge to SH. I SH'd at work once, I wouldn't recommend it - police, ambulance, workcover investigation... really really really not cool.

Will you ever get better? I don't know. The research suggests that for most people, the symptoms of BPD do tend to "burn out" over time. I know my situation has certainly changed over the twenty one years since I was first diagnosed. Whether it is better or just different, I'm not sure, but I do know that it hasn't stayed the same over that time.

I do know that in order to find out what the future holds, we need to stick around. That motivates me to keep on keeping on sometimes - I want to see how the story ends.

@Phoenix_Rising@outlander@Former-Member@utopia@Owlunar and anyone else who reads this

Been drinking

not doing good

voices in my head

visions of what i could do

have a terrible headache on my side of my head

better stop drinking

need to sleep but can't

it's so cold and windy

is it really worth to keep going?

it is so hard to not act on these thoughts, so damn hard 😞

oh @BlueBay

i know its hard and i understand that

please dont give in to those thoughts ok

what can you do to maybe relax and also to take your mind off things?