not feeling good

I am glad to see you reaching out for support here @BlueBay. It is a safe place for you to be open and honest, with what is happening for you (share your reality). I love how you are so straightforward with what is happening for you, that shows so much about you and how much courage and strength you have. You are very much loved on forumland..

So proud of you for reaching out and redirecting yourself...

I truly hope you start to move forward and you find more peace, with love from OG

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

Another not so good day
another day where i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel
another day where all i am seeing is myself with a large sharp item slashing at things so bad
at work but couldn't concentrate because of this vision
called my GP at lunchtime after my psych wasn't available and my psychologist was out
GP told me to calmm down and try to continue at work; to be mindful and call him back once i finish work at 5pm
psych leaves message on my phone to say call CAT team (some help he is)
by this stage i am so pissed off with him
finish work, call my GP and frustrated with him telling him i don't want this visions anymore, can he give me something to calm down, stop these from hapening, all i want to do is self harm
he asks if i am safe i said i am not so sure; he says well i have to call the CAT team and you will go to hospital. i got angry and said no i am not going to hospital again, they do nothing, the CAT team dont' do much. i told him ok i will go home pretned to be happy, but inside i am furioius, angry and not coping.
he said right now we are doing this together, you will get through this day by day./ tomorrow i have to call him and each day i will get through this. he says to me that i will get through this hurdle and see the light at the end of the tunnel even if i don't believe him right now. i told him i am wasting his time, he must be so pissed of with me. he says he is so sorry that i am like this at the moment; he wants me better and that i will get better.
i really want these thaoughts and visions over right now. i can't understand, i have never had these vision before except last year when i was on the wrong medication.
angry at my psych, i pay so much money and all i got fromm him was - call the CAT team.
and what are they gooing to do - ask wuestions and then say what can you do to help yourself. well right now i can't do anything to help myself.
i am sory i am ranting and raving tonight.
this bvision is scary and if it turns real it will be very destructive.

Hi @utopia @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @oceangirl @NikNik @Owlunar and others I have forgotten

I am home from work, i am not coping so not going to work.

have a headache/migraine coming on

going to my GP in an hour to get a medical certificate

i just wish these visual hallucinations would stop

they are driving me crazy

if i close my eyes and think of someting nice or diffferent they still pop up

i wish i could have someone grab me and put their arms right around me and hug me and tell me i will be okay. i need to feel someone tell me that and need to feel someone;s arms around me

if i start to freak out today i may be on here a few times today for help

Morning @BlueBay ..... 💕

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

@moderator or anyone

how do I stop these visual hallucinations?

I saw my GP this morning but unfortunately a trigger happened while i was in waiting room. i was taken into a treatment room and ended up being drowsy. My gp came in and thought i had OD. i promised him i didn't and had only taken my morning med but had forgotten to take all my other meds again. i told him i had forgotten and would take them once i got home. he said he was going to call the CAT team and that i would go to hospital. i cried and said no i don't want to go to hospital not the public hospital because it is horrible there. he said okay, stay here for another 1/2 hour rest here he was going to see another patient and he would come back and see what plan we would make. the nurse stayed with me and we talked and she asked me if i had taken something different - i promised her i hadn't. but i was very groggy.

GP came back and said ok i have been thinking are you safe to go home, i told him i want to go home, my boys are home. i promised him i would be okay. he said okay as long as i ring him at 3pm today. he said we need to stop having so many appts so close together because i am relying on both GP's a lot lately to get through my bad times. he doesn't mind helping me through this times but feels it is not doing me any good. so he has agreed that i can see him next friday after work but i can call him if i feel suicidal where he then will call the CAT team and i will need to go to hospital. he said he hands are tied in relation to things like this because he has to do what is best for me and safety is number one.

i got really angry with him and when he left i started to cry because i knew that was coming. i blew my boundaries with him, i wrecked everything i had with my GP. i wrecked the relationship i had with him. i always go over the boundaries. it's that damn BPD that wrecks everything.

I got home and decided i needed to go for a long long walk, so i did - a 3.6km walk in the cold.

now i am home cleaning and i am exhausted.

i want to cry but i can't. it's all pent up inside of me.

Hello @BlueBay

I'm just tagging @Former-Member for you again as I'm not sure that yours came up.

I'm sorry your going through visual hallucinations, I think I understand a little If it helps at all, all of your senses are a perceptional event in your brain, so there's a physical reason in your brain that they are happening.

Hugs to you

@utopia

Hi

I am going to go to the shop and buy a small table for a pot plant my sister bought for me.

The house is cleaned so tomorrow i dont need to clean it.

My blanket that i am crotching is almost done, i will try to take a photo of it and post on here (if i remember how to)

I need to sew a blanket for the baby, so i could get out the sewing machine this weekend and do that.

I feel like going for another walk, may do that later with hubby

going to make a lentil and veggie soup for dinner, daughter is coming over for dinner

my GP's receptionist just rang to see how i am travelling (that was nice of her to do that)

how are you @utopia ?

Thank you @Former-Member

These visual hallucinations are not nice, in fact quite scary. I can see it quite clearly what i am doing where i am and what i am holding

very scary

i feel very vulnerable and fragile