not feeling good

Hi @Shaz51 @utopia @Faith-and-Hope @oceangirl @Queenie @NikNik @Owlunar

I am a big problem and I can't fix myself; not sure if anyone can fix me.

I'm addicted to my bad behaviour and it's not easy to fix. I am ashamed, embarrassed and I hate what I do.

As you know I went to hospital Friday night after my episode of not taking my meds, hallucinations and pyschotic episode.

Well it's happening again, not wanting to take my meds; it's a roller coaster of not wanting to do stuff. not caring, don't give a sh..t about stuff; wanting to be cared for; looked after and healed. want to be loved by others, want and need help from others.

i am feeling vulnerable and fragile again. i rang my GP this morning and told him i didn't take last nights' meds again, he asked me to come in this afternoon. i went in and we spoke about the hospital visit and he asked why i don't take them and what is it that i need. i told him i want to be cared, i need to feel cared for, and like being rescued. i feel its addictive at the moment and i could easily do this behaviour again. not that the hallucinations or what happened on friday was a 'pretend or put on' because it wasn't . and he agreed he understood that it was real, he never said that it was a prentend thing on my part. he told me he felt really sorry for me, he really cares for me and wants me to get better.

he said he hands are tied and the only thing he can do is send me to hsopital via ambujlance.

i am so ashamed of what i have just written. if you dont want to reply anymore i understand.i don't deserve anyone writing to me; i hate myself for doing what i am doing.

It's my BPD impulsive behaviour that i cannot stop, i don't even think of the consequences at the time; all i think of is me. My GP understand BPD and wants me to get well. i don't know if i will ever get well. he said once i start intense therapy we can talk about cutting back medication but at the moment i need to stay on them; cutting back may be in the future, not now.

not seeing my psychologist for another 3 weeks which is too long; and my psych for another month even longer.

thank god for my GP, he is my lifesaver. I am really sorry for bothering everyone with my post, i won't bother anyoen anymore. this may be my last post forever. i am really sorry to bother everyone.

@moderator i really need help.

Hey @BlueBay

Let's look at the positives first my little yellow flower.

• you are recognising your own behaviours
• you are openly admitting that your behaviour(s) are a 'cry for help'
• you have sought help quickly for not taking your meds
• you have a supportive and understanding GP
• you are reaching out here for added support

...and the negatives are:

• there aren't any

Your last sentence about not bothering anyone anymore is another 'cry for help' but I will ignore what you wrote (because the content doesn't matter) - what matters is that you are still reaching out and you are still asking for support. You won't leave us my beautiful little flower - we mean too much to you as you do to us.

Sending you all my love BB...

Zoe

Hi @BlueBay

I had no idea you were struggling like this and went to hospital, you seem to know what you need right now. So if you need love and care you've come to the right place and asked the right people

I’m agreeing with everything @Zoe7 has pointed out! You said the desire to not take your meds is happening again, that’s great that you’re already feeling really aware of this and know that it’s risky. Thinking about what happened last week what can you do to prevent that from happening and trying to manage the hallucinations tonight?

Hi @Former-Member @utopia @Zoe7

What if I dont want to stop this behaviour. it is so addictive that at the moment i cant stop it.

I am crocheting my blanket and keeping myself warm while doing it. but at the same time i am thinking of another way i can stop my meds.

it is a vicious cycle running round in circcles in my head.

i am not good, it has been like this for ages, but jujst recently it has come out and now that everyone knows what i do - well who wants to tgalk to me anymore.

i don't care if you all don't want to talk to me anymore, because i am really bad. i am such a horrible person that has a terrible personality.

what if i can't fight this; what if at the moment this behaviour is what i like. i actually like it. boy that was hard for me to write, now that is horrible, see i told you all - I AM A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PERSON.

don't waste your time talking to me anymore. maybe i should just disappear forever, never to be seen again.

@BlueBay It is very natural that you are feeling that you don't want to stop this behaviour. It has protected you for a long time. The care that you receive when you are like this is a replacement for the care that you were not given by your mother and you have found a way to replace that with this present behaviour. It is not wrong because you deserve to be cared for, you are not a horrible person - you just want to be loved

As @utopia said - this is learned behaviour - and it will take a lot of time and perserverance to get to a point where you can see it happening and stop it before it goes too far. We will be here for you along the way. Why? because we do care and we want you to know that. This behaviour does not define you - it is not who you have to be but it is what is helping you navigate your way through each day at the moment - and that is ok because it is also protecting you.

You have identified and very, very openly stated that you know what you are doing and that in itself is the most positive step forward that you can take. The next step is allowing others to care for you as you learn to care for yourself. You trust your GP and it seems that he does truly care for you. You are being honest with him, and with us here, and no-one can ask any more of you than that.

Change will come BB - trust in your GP, trust in us, and most importantly trust in yourself.

...and we will continue to remind you when your negative self-talk is consuming your thoughts, your behaviour(s) is a form of self-sabotage and also how much you are cared for along the way.

Sending you hugs, love and friendship my beautiful little yellow flower...

Zoe

@Zoe7 and @utopia

I love you both as my friends so so much

Thank you for caring but you know what - don't worry about me anymore; i don't feel great, i feel really crap, so much self pity myself.

i don't know if i can stop this behavoiur right now. i amm having these feelings again tonight of self sabotage, sh, self everything. getting rid of my meds completely, throwing them out in the bin.

I am very impulsive tonight, very anxious and i can't just stop. it's not easy stopping. It's like a fix, i need my fix, i need my impulsive fix.

@Former-Member why can't i just stop, what is wrong. @Zoe7 I do need love and care, help, someone to help and look after me.

maybe hospital is the right place; maybe not i don't know anymore. Gee i hate my mother so so much, even in my new house she is still haunting me. i will never be able to get rid of her.

thank you both for your hugs i really need some hugs, wish they were real live hugs. i could do with a few friends right now. feeling very fragile, alone and risking my behaviour with my impulsive thoughts.

If i am not on here tomorrow then maybe i am back in hospital.

@Former-Member i am really sorry, i should never have come on here to openly tell you what I have done.

It's ok @BlueBay that message was ok. If it's ok I'll email you as well.

I'm glad to know and see that you have great friends supporting you and moving against the negative voices and words you are hearing yourself say.

Whatever is happening for you at any time and in any place @BlueBay I will still be here with you. Even when I am not 'around' know that I am thinking of you and ALWAYS sitting on your shoulder. The pain doesn't disappear overnight just because you want it to and the grief and loss you feel endures even when you hide it away! Just because you are aware of what you are doing and the way you are feeling it doesn't make those behaviours and feelings any less real. You are in pain, you are hurting, you are grieving for 'everything' you have lost - and that is all very, very real for you. You don't need to isolate yourself from us here because you think you are being a 'burden' - it is exactly times like this that you have us to lean on and support you through. We do care, we do love you and that is never going to change.

Sending you huge hugs, love and all the strength I have tonight BB...

...and I am still sitting on your shoulder my beautiful little yellow flower...

Zoe