not feeling good

Hi @BlueBay

I read your letter to your father several times and I am wondering if you are planning to keep this to yourself or you are planning to send it

Because I wrote letters to my parents or my father over some of the years I was estranged - I have a few ideas about what to write and how to put things differently - and if you are planning to send that I hope you will give the chance to write it slightly differently

But as it stands - you have said what you need to - and hopefully you have been able to get it out of your system - you need that release

And I do understand about your father - his dementia makes it worse for you because you don't know what he sees and what he understands and he has that "Juno" of your mother - his wife - to stand between you

And I am sure you already know that your mother will read any letter you write to him - this is one tough issues

Hugs though

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

No I am not sending it. Because i know what will happen. She will read it and throw it out or return it to me. And she will not even show him. I know how she works. He won't even see it.

This one is just for me to get it out of my system.

Actually this is the letter that i wrote while in hospital and when i read it out aloud to the psychologist i grabbed my pillow and held it so tight that i couldn't let go of the pillow and when i did my muscles were so sore. i was so tired from holding on to my pillow. i was mentally and physically so tired.

on another note -

i cleaned out the pantry today - emptied outy one whole garbage bag of out of date stuff. didn't release how much crap i had in the pantry. good time to clear out stuff. i have put stuff i won't be usingn into a box and left bits and pieces that we still need.

think i may go for a walk with my daughter and Jersey, the sun is out no rain for now. it is cold but i need some fresh air. i have been crying, so i need a distraction.

how are you @Owlunar, i sense you haven't been yourself for a while.

BB xxxooo

Hi @BlueBay

I'm glad you are not sending that letter to your Dad but so glad you wrote it and shared it - ah - take it from one who has been there - it would only add fuel to your mother's fire - conflagation - personal apocalype -

Wow

My dad's mother who moved a lot told me that when we move it is our stores that are the hardest part - maybe easier these days when we have more convenience food - but still - I have a small cupboard that is my pantry and there is stuff at the back there with long-past dates on it

I am feeling okay now - I had a few bad days - a couple of days I think - I did some retail therapy yesterday - but the long walk to Rivers and trying on clothes - all of which I bought - and then to the doctor - wow though - it was tough in the fitting rooms - major back pain

But apart from a headache I feel okay now - I have it bad at this time of year - and I really get it with your mother because I remember the nasty things she said about me and my son - and I remember begging her for help and being driven away

I don't owe the old harridan anything - I refuse to feel guilty - as I often say - we cannot control other people and the way they behave - but I sure identify

But the dull grey autumn days - which I call the "unwinter" because it is not yet winter - but it feels worse.

However once we get to June it's only three weeks until the shortest day - I count the time down every year and it works for me - and I notice the evenings getting longer early - and that lightens the load

And when it comes down to both of our pairs of parents - I was so alone through the last years of my son's life - and then his death and after he died - I was told it was my fault and I will never wear that one - I did more for him than anyone else in the family

I get it BB - I understand - but I was in a sad sort of place for a few days - and it had a lot to do with being alone when I needed the help - the help I could have used in the past - but I don't need them now

So yes - things will be different for you in the future

Dec

Hi @BlueBay,

Thank you for sharing your letter with us. That would have taken alot of strength and courage to post!

I'm glad to hear that you felt as though this allowed you to 'get it out of your system'. The writing process can be quite cathartic.

I understand that this process can bring up different emotions for you, so if you want/need to discuss this more you are welcome to come onto online chat or give us a call.

I'm also glad that you have the lovely support of @Owlunar, @Faith-and-Hope, @Zoe7, @outlander, @Shaz51, @Former-Member and @oceangirl

@Former-Member

Thank you, how do i let go, how do I let my emotions go. I get so angry and then turn in inwards then want to SH.

do you think the letter is okay.

i am so angry with my mum. i love my dad yet i can't see him.

i wanted him to be proud of me selling the house and moving to a newer one.

but i am getting no validation. do i need validation. i am an adult yet still need. do i need it.

i am stupid aren't I?

HI @BlueBay

There is nothing at all with your wanting validation - it is not stupid - aw - no it is not - we all need to be vindicated, acknowledged, validated, respected as a person

But - um - this is me thinking hard -

Playing along with your mother or both of your parents is only feeding the nasti-nest inside you - you can never please tham - and your mother would be clapping her hands with joy that you suffer so much

That abuse really happened - you could not destroy the family - she did though - and her cruelty - by jove I know this much - never let her know how much she has hurt you - and don't SH because of what she has done - I don't understand why you would btw - but I do know what it is like to have to live with that brutality -

And I have said enough

Dec

Hello @BlueBay

@BlueBay

i wish i was in hospital now, right now

i am not doing well

my thoughts are running wild

its been a downer day today

the picture in my head is pretty dark

should i, shouldn't i

what do i do

its scary stguff

the visions are scary stuff too