not feeling good

It sounds like the appointment went well @BlueBay and glad that there is a plan in place now. How do you feel now that this has been orgnaised?

I totally hear you on feeling angry that there wasnt a moderator to help you out last night. I have flagged it with @NikNik.

I will be finishing up shortly but I am here all week, so you can write something when you are ready and then we can chat about it and work out a plan

Today I cried quite a bit.

I was thinking that as of today i have 3 weeks to move. And i was thinking of my dad and how he never got to see my house and all the things we have done to it. Like our new big deck and garden. I wanted him to see it and wanted him to say how proud he was of me. but that never happened.

then i sobbed and sobbed.

this will never go away will it

this will always be with me forever, this will haunt me all the time.

tears, trauma, abuse, memories, my mum, my dad, tears

I can honestly say that it probably will never go away @BlueBay but that is ok because it is your life and it impacts the person you are today.

I want to be able to get to a place where it is less all consuming and painful for me - that does seem nearly impossible at the moment - but I need to hold on to a little hope that it is possible otherwise it will completely destroy me.

I hope for the same for you - that you can learn to live with the memories but with less pain - and be able to 'live' and move forward.

...still sitting on your shoulder my beautiful little yellow butterfly (just can't fly at the moment...)

Zoe

hello @BlueBay, my friend , sending you lots of hugs

hugs @BlueBay

im glad you got through your appointment today and worked out a plan as well that is very good

sorry you feel so down- going under waer abit myself at the moment but thinking of you

Hi @BlueBay

There have been a few days when I have not been able to read a lot of the posts - I read some of yours - but I was unable to write anything helpful

But you are right about your parents - that is unlikely to change - and people have free-will - they have it individually and collectively and you have it too

I have been missing my father the last few days - hard to believe how long it was since he died and how dignified he was - that memory will never go away - and also - my mother died without dignity - I was so angry that the nurses didn't at least put her teeth in - but then - but then

I certainly identify with your feelings about your father - I so do - it would have made so much difference to my life over 30 years ago - but I was vindicated when we had the conversation before the end of his life - and I didn't expect that - it happened - and everyone should have such a conversation

And you might - you can't see the future - you might have that conversation

But we can only change ourselves - other people have the right to be themselves too

About your spending the first night of being in your new home in hospital - I think that is a good idea - I have never slept well the first night in a new place - even on holidays the first night can be uneasy - I understand this - so I am glad about that

It seems a pretty big stuff-up about the hospital actually

But I have been thinking of you

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar for your reply. I knew you weren't right as I haven't seen you around here lately.

Sending you big hugs and love

BB xxxooo

Hi @Former-Member and all my friends on here - here is my letter to my Dad.

Dear Dad

I love you so much with all my heart. I have never told you this before but i miss you so much. i want you to know that mum has said some horrible things to me over the years and its been very hard for me to move on. she told me while in hospital that i betrayed the family. how? how have i betrayed the family? i was the one that was abused. i did not betray the family. at the moment i feel like a broken child with a broken heart.

I'm angry at you for not protecting me for not loving me and for abandoning me when i so needed you. Why did you not call me? Why did you listen to her all the time. She has made my life hell. All those years I listened to her.

You worked so hard all your life to give your kids a head start. I appreciated everything you did for me. You gave so much of your time too. I can't thank you enough. The last time i saw yoiu, you had aged. You had grown old . I remember walking in and seeing you and getting the hug i so wanted and needed. I cried so much just to feel your arms around me. And yet mum was so cold and hard, her face said it all.

Dad i wish things were differrent. I wish we could talk and visit. There is so mjuch I want to tell you. So much i want to share. I want to tell you we sold our home and bought a new one. I want to tell you what the new house looks like. I want you to know that you will be a great grandfather in October as S is pregnant. I will be a nonna. I miss you so much Dad it's not fair. it really isn't.

The only photo I have of you is my memory of you holding me as a child. I wore a red jumper and i had very curly hair. I so wish i had that photo. But mum won't give it to me. I miss you so much, I just want a hug.

You think that only our old neighbour and my uncle abused me but there was one more. The other person was your son. Yes your son abused me as well. And not once but many times. Your precious son how could he.. I was only 9 yrs old. A child, a small child. I bet your shocked. So how about that, bet you never that he would do that. You and mum always placed him on a pedastool - he was always your favourite, your only son. But not to me - he was and is evil. And you and mum never protected me.

I'm angry, I;m hurting, I'm sad, I'm emotional, I don't know anymore what i want. How do you stay with her? Why can't you say something? Just once can't you say something? Pls just for me. I had a thought of SH then giong to hospital then I would see you. I miss you so much. I love you so much.

I want you now. I want to see you. I wish you could be part of my family now. I hope and pray that I see you soon. But for now all I can do is pray and hold on this for.

Love you forever

Until we meet again whenever that may be

Your heartbroken daughter

BB

@Former-Member sobbing so much I need time to myself I need help today to be on my own i need help

Thanks @outlander and @Shaz51

Appt went well. I have a planned hospital admission. Lets hope there will be a bed available for the dates my psych has suggested.

Im teary today after writing the letter to my dad. I am curled up and not wanting to talk to anyone. I feel so child like today. I wish i could see him. What if i never see him again?

@BlueBay