not feeling good

Dhazzke dazzle here you for my wonderful friend @BlueBay

how are you today daling, been thinking of you xx

Hi @Zoe7 @Shaz51 I am angry today, few reasons but i vac the lounge and tried to get my anger out that way. I got that advice from @Faith-and-Hope

@Former-Member

I thought i would continue our discussion about our mums on here. I didn't want to talk about negative stuff (my num) on the post about my daughter which is a positive.

I am angry at my mum and I do want an apology. Why can't she give me an apology. I'm trying to understand your reply, I think.

my mum can't always be right, she needs to know that she was very wrong in what she told me; she told me that "i betrayed the family' when i told her that i was sexually abused. how can she; how can she say that i betrayed the family. i cannot ever forget those words.

i hope in a way i do get to see my dad but i am not planning any time soon to make a reconciliation. i just need advice or help in what to do. my head is spinning right now with so much going on.

thanks for your help and advice, i really appreciate your help. do you have a controlling mum? a manipulative mjum?

tried to get my anger out that way. I got that advice from @Faith-and-Hope, that is good advice @BlueBay, doing the dishes is another idea

Hi BlueBay, sorry if you feel pressured. I just know, the people I talk to, and my own intermeshed family - sorry is a word manipulators rarely use - as it feels like giving-in to you more than admitting wrong. No doubt your mum has hurt you deeply. I have never met, or heard of, a woman worse than my mother, ever, accept maybe that movie "flowers in the attack" - so I think I have a vague idea what you live.

I have a strained relationship with my mum, she has never apologised, it would be easier if she changed or admitted willingness to at lest try to make amends, but I realise, now she's 83, that this is unlikely. Also, she has dropped 3 dress sizes this year with terminal cancer - so everything is more about her than its ever been. So be it. At least I have done all I can to be at peace with her before God (within reason of cause). My dad loves her so much (and fears a lashback too I think) if he appeared to take sides.

My Mother dearest mocked me when I finally worked up the courage to tell her my uncle and my older brother messed with me. She didn't care, and it hurt. She didn't protect me then or now. Sometimes I don't know why I bother with her at all - something to do with my relationship with God I think, and her not taking no for an answer... Long story.

My big brother is another story, I finally realised, or felt, that I was insulting my own soul by continuing to 'pretend' I was comfortable around him and confronted him two+ years back. I asked him to apologise JUST ONCE! His reply was - "goodbye" - we have not spoke or mail or anything since. With him I feel nothing, no compulsion to try... He r#ped me when i was 11, violently, i still get flashbacks - so you see, he were never close, or helpful, ever, so I don't miss him - there's nothing to miss i guess.

My point is for you I guess is that - demanding an apology can make a situation worse (in my experience). Besides, whose to say an apology is genuine if it does come.

"Some people would rather be right than happy" ~ Dr Phil

If it possible to be 'happy' either way.

Its a hard call BlueBay. Sounds like you're not ready to reconnect with your mum just yet and if she's like my mum you might be worried she's gonna interfere with your joy. Guess she can meet her great granddaughter without contact with you (though this will put your daughter in a very awkward position that could see her push you both away, or at least distance from you (nobody likes conflict or being forced to take sides). If your daughter gets her own place it may be easier not to offend you if she wants to involve everyone. How beautiful it would be to have 4 generations of women in one photo for her.

But I understand you might not be ready. Guess you do have time and you're trying to work it out. Take the time you need. And please don't let anything I say offend you. I'm only talking out of my own experience hoping it will help, each situation is so unique / individual. You have to find your own way.

Good you're keeping baby stuff separate. I would, its just too beautiful and pure, wtg. 💗💕

Hi @Former-Member

No you haven't offended me at all. I am glad i can talk about this here.

Your story has some similiarities. I was sexually abused by my uncle and my brother and my neighbour all at different times and ages. But my parents don't know about my brother.

I think I am not at a position atm for an apology because i am still so very angry. i have a lot of work to do with regards to missing my dad and not being able to see him because of her.

I don't think my daughter would have a relationship with my parents onlyh because she can see the hurt and pain my mum has caused me and she is angry with them as well. Even myu boys are angry at my praents for the pain i am in. the hurt the hospital admissions they can see it all, they're not stupid.

Yeah i think that my mum would prefer to be right all the time than to say 'sorry' than to be 'happy'.

But i still feel that as a 'little child' in me i would like an apology of 'i am sorry what happened to you all those years ago, i am sorry i couldn't protect and i love yiou' - that's all i ever wanted 😞

My whole life all i ever wanted was - i am sorry and i love you ...... something i never ever got

I don't know if I told you and the others @Owlunar @Zoe7 @Shaz51 @outlander @utopia but when i was in hospital two weeks ago i had a session one on one with a pyschologist. we talked about writing a letter to my dad and i was going to read it. i did that and the next day i read it to her. i managed to read it through lots and lots of tears. by the end of the letter i grabbed my pillow and hugged it so tight that i used up all my energy and tightened all my muscles in my body. i was so exhausted mentally and physically. i had dissociated a few times; it was terrible. i kept sobbing and saying i miss my dad, i love my dad, i want my dad. i remmeber hearing her say it's okay i am here for you, do you want me to hug you, and i said no i want my dad, she kept saying it's okay BB let it all out. i just kept sobbing and hugging tyhis pillow very tight.

to me that was a release of so much pent up emotions, sadness, grief, anger all built up.

she allowed me to let it all out. she was the only psych that let me do this ever.

thank you @Former-Member for letting me talk to you. hope we can continue to chat on here.

take care

BB xxoo

I swear if my husband says one more thing today that makes me angry I am going to smash something!!!!

OMG - why do i have to decide on everything. the removalists; the broken heater; the mini skip how big do we need?? WTF???? how do i know what size we need; why do i need to mkae that decision.

i don't even know the sizes square metres?? i have no idea.

so now he has gone to the place to see the sizes. good he can go and decide for himself. it is about time he makes decisions and not rely on me; and he better not ring me from there. actually i won't answer the phone if i see it's him.

he shits me when he can't make a decision. it's like if he gets it wrong he will make me upset. but there are times that he has to make decisons on his own like this one;

OMG - i don't need this stress on top of my own stress.

gosh he is home for another 2 weeks. OMG how on earth am i going to cope.

i am going to go now and try to sew this baby blanket i am doing for a friend's baby.

it's a gift and if it comes out good i will do more and try to sell on line.

chat again later; sorry i needed to ventn out about hubby

@BlueBay - I have this fabulous little phone app I downloaded a couple of weeks ago recommended to me by a mental health care worker. It is called Breathe Easy.

A very simple concept - it has an icon a circle* that slowly gets smaller, pauses then slowly gets larger, and pauses, repeat. Slowly and calmly. The shape gives something to focus on to breathe.

The default setting breath rate is very calming, centering and the icon is helpful because you have a visual thing to watch, focus is a calming technique in itself.

* There are a few different shapes and colours to choose from in the settings. The coloured shape-image can be on white, or black.

I find a purple heart shape on black very restful and calming.

Breathing in....... Pause...... Breathing Out...... Pause. I just did it now so I would know how to describe it all for you... and my irritability (caused by new medication) just lessened immensely, so it is very helpful.

🙂 Might help get through those 2 weeks. And make for a nicer time for both of you. 🙂

(The app logo/icon is a blue circle on a white background square "Breathe".)

Thanks @MoonGal

I will have a look at that later.

Also thanks to @NikNik for the other night in helping me. I am okay today. I have packed a few boxes and even sewed two baby blankets for a friend's baby. Gosh it's hard having hubby home 24/7 for 2 weeks. OMG he is driving me crazy. wish i was in hospital..

Off to my appt with my psych this afternoon, i will tell him about my hospital admission that didn't happen this week. See what he says. he may not even know.

Breathe Easy is here: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.moodtools.breatheeasy