not feeling good

Hi @Decadian

I've just come back from a long walk down the beach with a friend and told her what had happened the other day. She was upset and said next time to ring her and she will come down.

I cannot wait for my session today, I am going to open up to her and let her know exactly what's been happening.

I need to let my guard down, take my mask off. Yes i think you are right i did have this "i'm okay mask" on for both my old therapist and my psychiatrist. But now with this female psychologit i will let it down and let me be me.

Thinking about what you said about the face I see - yeah maybe that's what it is. maybe i have two pictures of a mum i would love - a mum who i would love to have and a mum who is my mum a real bitch.

I don't know, i am dissociating quite a bit and it's scary. I will tell her everything today. Yes i will let you know how i go when i come back.

Boy it's so hot again out there. I'm inside now with the air cond on.

Talk to you later. And thank you so much for caring, and helping me through this difficult time.

Hi @BlueBay

I will be looking forward to hearing how things go with your psychologist - yes - you do have to let go of that mask - it doesn't protect you - it just hides who you really are and who you are comes out in your writing

Also it is so good that you told a friend what is happening - this is good - I don't think you would have been open to doing this a few months back

What I see when I read what you write is a woman who is struggling to find herself - back when my children were young there was a lot of literature about the baby trap and why women needed a man etc - back then women were starting to break free of the mores of society and be themselves but still the story goes on. For whatever reason girls are not reared to be independent - they are reared to be what someone else - their mother and other women in society - want them to be

I fought hard against it - I told my mother I was emancipated when my kids were still young - and she probably had no idea what it meant - but emancipiation is all in the mind - and being an independent woman doesn't mean we can't have a husband and children - it's being free to think and say what we think and believe and having the right to be the person we really are

Not easy - but I can see you are working your way though it - and it is hard - it can feel terrible - but you life isn't likely to stop in your fifties - this is the beginning of being the real you.

So I am looking forward to this

I haven't been on-line lately - the weather has been hard on my back and sitting at the computer hurts - and the weather has been pretty horrible too. I was at the supermarket earlier with a helper - still - there were more people than usual and I don't look as if there is anything wrong - so yes - I get tense

But I will be back later

Dec

Hi @Decadian

I let my mask down a little bit today. I need to trust this new psychologist. Although I did confess to her that I needed to tell her something which was - "I am scared of getting better in fear of losing my support people"

She said that is a myth that i need to not even think about. She said her intention, my psych and GP is for me to get better. And that one day I will be the one that will say 'do you know what I don't need to come as often as I am" or "i don't think i need to come at all". They will all be here for me and she was so nice about it and explained.

We talked about what happened with lifeline and the hospital the other day. I told her the whole story, how i dissociate and she said i need to work out what will be in my 'mental health kit'. For eg. I can have in there a play with Jersey, water the garden, make a cup of tea, call lifeline or the CAT team. but somethng that will instantly change the record of my story going overt and over in my head.

She said she really understands the hurt and pain of my parents especially my mum but she pretty much basically said 'they are your parents, you are different to them, they are who they are and will never change". Learning to accept this is what we will work on.

She said because of my BPD i have no emotional regulation at all and how to calm myself down. she also said i need to do more self love for which i told her i don't at all.

She also said that she will help me find me and what i want in life. It will take a while but she is prepared to help me.

I hope your back is ok today, yes the weather is quite warm out there.

I feel okay this afternoon, knowing that this lady understands me (i think) but a part of me is scared that she will abandon me because i am 'in the too hard basket'. i don't know why i have to think negative.

But the best bit was - she had her labradoodle there and he was sitting quietly at reception. I gave her a pat and she rolled over and put her paws up and wanted me to sratch her belly. she kept looking at my eyes and it's as if she knew i was down. she then put her head down on my shoulder, i just hugged her so much i was almost crying.

the receptionist said that if the dog is there next session to tell my psyhcholosigt and she will bring the dog in.

i need to stay focussed and be okay with her, trust her and get some confidence.

chat again soon. xxx

That sounds really good @BlueBay

There is no need to leave the forum because you feel as if you have recovered - I haven't - my bad moments are rare with long spells in between but I still feel the strength and support of other people helping me when I could have a bad spell - eg - my son's adoption annversary a couple of weeks ago - and Christmas and when I have bad pain as I have had today

I had the doctor come tonight and feel much better - it is easier to cope with physical pain than emotional pain

I saw my new psychologist a few times close together after my aunt died and TS put on her best bad face at the funeral - I needed that help - and I have my next appointment next week and most likely see her once a month - just thinking what I might or might now say to her is enough - but I think I will need someone to speak to for the rest of my life and that is okay - after all my mother's abuse was not the same as your mother's but sometimes I feel confusion and sorrow about a past I did not create - this is what happened and maybe it won't matter at all in the future - but whatever happens - I have had this help

Your mother could not express her love to you and was cruel when you needed her most so it is hard to love yourself - people do struggle with this - but self-love is not what we think it is - it is rather caring for ourselves and have respect for our opinions and what we actually have learned through this life. You have had training to be a pharmacy assistant and this is pretty good worke - well respected - and one way you will find yourself is being successful with your job

And it will be better - I know this

Dec

Hi @Decadian

I so hope I get better next year or at least in a more peaceful and happier place in my head.

No, don't worry I am not leaving the forum. I know my mum was and is very cruel. I just need to get that into my thick head and let it be. But i don't know why I can't. I think the pain is too much to cope with if I completely let it be. Maybe i think i won't cope if i compoletely let it go.

I am glad the doctor came to see you. I agree emotional pain is so much harder than physical.

I get so confused at times @Decadian I can't think straight.

Hi @BlueBay

Don't try and recover in a hurry - like recovering from anything else it takes time - and you will back-slide from time to time - but you never go back to the beginning because you gain insight with every experience - you are not in the same position as you were even before your disastrous into the dolls' house of a hospital you were in last year - hey - that was already last year - it sounds good

And I understand what you mean about it being too hard to let go - and that it will hurt too much - you have to let go slowly too

Someone on Life Line told me this about my chronic pain years ago - she was actually a medical doctor but she said

"If your pain suddenly went away you could die from the culture shock" and I think that applied to beastly relationships also - so take your time and give it up bit by bit when you can - it will happen eventually I hope because I have this thing with TS and she is biting the edges of my thoughts a lot. However - I can't think of a thing to say to Life Line about it and I have thought about ringing up - but honestly - I KNOW what kind of person TS is and I am not giving her the satisfaction -

But I am seeing my therapist this week - on Thursday afternoon - wow - this is a good thing - I haven't seen her for weeks - and this is a good thing

The passage of time seems to take too long - but that's how it works

And I wish you the best for 2017

Dec

I love that pic @Decadian

I hope that this year is a better year for you. And I hope that we can still continue being friends on here. I feel like you know me so well and I can share lots with you.

I am actually scared of recovery - i think because you're right I do want it quick. It's been 6 yrs of therapy that I would have thought I would have been better by now. But in actual fact I am not. I seem to be going downhill quite a bit lately and i know there are lots of stressors and triggers in my life at the moment.

i don't know if i can deal with selling and moving. and packing; it all seems too overwhelming. just thinking about it is making me anxious. but i do want to move, i want a new start but am so scared that i will not cope. i don't know it doesn't make sense does it, i wnat to move but am scared.??? the fear of leaving a house that we lived in for more than 12 years with 3 children growing up into adults. the thought of cutting off all ties with my parents with this house. Once we move it won't be 'their house' anymore.

Why am i so scared @Decadian. sometimes i wish someone would just put their arms around me and tell me everything will be okay; things will work out.

I have a feeling there will be lots of changes this year in my family. With the chidlren thinking of moving out, one possibly in the police force; things will change.

Am i scared of failure - what if we can't find another house and have to rent? what if this and what if that? i don't know the answers.

Glad that you are seeing your therapist this coming week. It's good when you can get it off your chest and talk to someone.

i hope you have a restful day today @Decadian. chat later xxoo

Hi @BlueBay Sorry to hear you are feeling like that. Is there something you enjoy that you can do - go to the beach maybe! xxx