not feeling good

It always feels better when we get our hair done @BlueBay xx

Hello @Former-Member xx

Hi @BlueBay

I have been wondering how you are and hoping you are feeling a bit more relaxed after your hospital stay.

Just letting you know I have been thinking of you

Hi @BlueBay

You will feel better when you don't see your mother in the mirror - of this I am positive

I don't know what to suggest because I have never had disassotication - it sound scary

But when my son was alive I had periods of despair - I knew he was going to die and tried so hard to stop that from happening - I would be desperate

So from having feelings like that when I could go no further - I did have hospital visits - so I am totally at a loss about the way your psyche has treated you - I am shocked actually - you did not have time to get into some kind of balance

I think asthma can be caused by stress - I had bad asthma some years ago - a long time ago - and in later years I need a puffer from time to time - I have a lot less stress in my life now - it makes a huge difference

Talk this over with your psychologist - she seems to be more into the way females see and understand the world - you did not cause this - you were traumatised when you were a child and your mother didn't help

That's it!! - you were traumatised when you were a child - and that's why you see your mother in front of you - you don't want to hurt yourself - not at all - you want to lash out at here. It's some kind of transference

I hope you feel better - we had terrible rain that got worse when I was writing my previous post to you - and the rain I heard was outside - the gutters had overflowed - back and front - and the storm drain outside my unit was flooded -

These storms have been approaching since yesterday - it's well known that weather can affect us - I have had bad back pain today - it causes all sorts of strange and unrelated disorders

Keep in touch - people here care about you -

Dec

hi @BlueBay

i'm also going gray. i don't take a lot of ... effort in my appearance... though i dress neatly. but i hate the gray hairs. But getting a hair cut is hard for me. i dont like being touched urgh. and then people will notice i've had a hair cut and say soemthing and i hate being noticed... sigh.

how are you feeling tongiht @BlueBay ?

lj

@Decadian

If i could get rid of my mum's face in front of me all the time i think that would help. I feel that i am dissociating a lot. i will definitely tell my psycyhologis

t tomorrow. i like her and being a female i think she understands me better than my male psych. i am still angry about the discharge and giving me new meds and letting me go home after 3 days. that was ridiculous. so i will have a good chat with my psychologist and see what she says. she may even suggest hospital again, i don't know.

I am sorry about your son and how you must have been so desperate. Hugs to you my friend

yes you're right i was traumatised as a child 3 times not once. and yes again traumatised when i told my mum. it was like a slap in the face. i can't remember if i told you that when i got married i made a small album for both parents. do you know what my mum did a few years ago - she posted my album back. that's how much she loves me; all these things keep popping up in my head and i get so damn angry and hate. i don't think i can ever forgive her.

i think if i was going to hurt myself i would have done it by now. maybe it is a transference thing where i want to get back at her so much that i am taking it out on me.

i will let you know how i go tomorrows session. i have a feeling i am going to lose it again tomorrow in the session, i hope if i do she will see me for who i really am, the real me and not the one with the mask. i need to let the mask go so she can help me.

but that is scary too 😞

@Former-Memberyou should try to colour it and maybe a small trim where it's not so noticeable but enough for you to notice. you will feel better, believe me. i walked out of the hairdressers feeling alive again.

I am feeling not with it tonight. i am seeing my psychoologist tomorrow afternoon so i will tell her everything about what hapened yesterday but she will already know becuse the hospital sent her a letter.

how are you @Former-Member? how are the kids?

Kids had a good day today @BlueBay went to the playground this morning and had treat lunch out. then came home and made chocolates (daughter got a chocolate making kit for christmas). and watched a movie before dinner. they were happy.

i'm not ok though, things are just bad and unending. im just so low and beaten.

lj

Hi @BlueBay

That Eleanor Rigby mask costs people a lot - the energy to wear it hides the real person so people can only see a fake person - in reality we can only be who we are - there is no other person to be and it drains us to be someone else

We are women and we are different - ah yes - men are totally different beings and just as we don't understand them - they don't understand us and hiding behind your mask for the male psyche you see and the male psychologist they could not see the real you and you have had to hide from your mother for years too - so this mask is costing you a lot -

When you see your new psychologist this afternoon - tell her exactly what has been going on - you need more help than can happen outside hospital because of the stuffing around with your medicaion - surely there are better ways than having a needy person on a waiting list for weeks - and then having them in hospital for such a short time and sending you out at the worst time of the year - this is not good at all

The mother you wish so much you could have is not the mother whose face is in front of you the whole time - she sounds a real number - oh man - what a bitch - it's as if you have two mothers in your head - the one you want and the one you have - I guess I had that myself - mmmmm - I have got past mine to a place of peace about her now but I had to go deep inside myself to find out about my mother - and she was a pretty sad and damaged person - yours too I think - but whatever happened doesn't give excusess - just reasons - and reasons are intellectual - but they can be found

I will be interested in hearing how your session goes with your psychologist - it must feel as if you are on a tight-rope right now - this is a bad time of year for a lot of people - you are having the worst time I can imagine right now

Lots of love

Dec