OMG @Decadian you know me very very well.
Yesterday I had an episode (dissociated) where I was feeling really angry and holding something in my hand.
I called my local CAT team who didn't answer so I called Lifeline. The guy on the phone was amazing. I was in no state to even have a proper conversation with him. I told him i was angry and what i was holding. he reassured that he was here to listen and help me. i kept crying and saying i don't know what i am doing; i am not thinking straight, i am scared, i need help. we talked about my anger and i told him it's my mum and how my parents are not talking to me. he asked me about my children and what they do; he then said are you home with someone and i said no, everyone is at work. no one will be home until tonight.
he said for me to move away from the item and I ended up curled up on the floor still holding the item. I ended up crying, telling him i am wasting his time, why did i ring him. he told me i rang because i needed help and to talk to someone and that he is here for me now and however long it takes he will stay on the phone. @Decadian I was a mess, rolling on the floor, exhausted hardly talking to him and crying.
He then said he was very concerned for me and he wanted me to call an ambulance. i said i can't and he said if i don't he needs to (as part of his duty of care) to call the police. I said no i don't want the police. so we talked about how i would call the ambulance and he told me what to say. he stayed on the phone while i grabbed the landline and called 000. The ambulance put me through to a paramedic and she spoke to me and asked a few questions. i went back to lifeline and told him that the paramedics are on their way and that this lady will stay on the phone with me until they arrive. i thanked him so much for being there for me.
Ambulance turned up and i was on the floor, exhausted and light headed. i know i was breathing fast, i tried to slow it down with the help of the paramedic. They said hospital is the best place to go as it is safe. i didn't want to go but ended up agreeing. They helped me close the doors, i was like a zombie couldn't find the keys to the door, couldn't find my shoes, i was a mess.
Got to the hospital and had to wait at least 40 mins before i was triaged. At this stage i was sitting on a chair and shaking with anxiety. i told the paramedic i need to get out of here, i need fresh air, i need to run. he said no, lets sit here and talk. he sat net to me the whole time and just listened to whatever i was saying and told me not to be scared, that i am in good hands here and i will get the help.
After in emergency for about 3 hours a doctor decides to see me and I told him about my asthma. he chekced me and said i was still wheezy so ordered some medication straight away as well as the puffer. I was then moved to short stay where another 3-4 hours went by. By this stage it was about 7pm and I had again threatened to leave, cryingn telling them i want to go home. They said i couldn't go home as i needed to speak to the CAT team.
Finally at about 8pm I got to speak to a lovely lady who was so nice, compassionate and caring. After i told her what a year i've had, with MIL, finances, work, stress, new therapist, selling our home, hospital discharging me because of xmas closure (which she did not understand at all), my asthma for 5 weeks - she turned around and said no wonder you are depressed, stressed and anxious. And with your BPD you are not able to congtrol your thoughts or emotions. You are right above the scale of how to cope.
She finally said i can go home as i told her i am seeing my new psychologist this Friday. And seeing my psych in two weeks times, but i may ring this morning to see if there is any appts.
I can't believe how right you were @Decadian. You must have picked up on something. I was such a mess. Oh and when we left home i couldn't close the door with the key, the ambo tried but he couldn't either. so we left it and i text my son to come home and close the door. When he did apparently he found the police here waiting. they asked him where i was and he told them i was taken to hospital. they were just checking because they received a call. Bit late, that was at least 40 mins after I left home.
So today - is another day. I am going to go for a walk down the beach. But it looks like another humid day which i really hate. i am getting my hair cut and coloured tonight and I am so looking forward to thta, it has been at least 2 months and I am starting to look like my mum!!! We can't have that!!! LOL
I have just finished emailing Lifeline thanking the guy that I spoke to yesterday. I hope that they can pass on the message to him. I felt if he didn't stay on the phone I don't know what would have happened.
