not feeling good

Feeling anxious, sick in the stomach. Heat is affecting me feeling light headed. i hate these stupid meds i am on. i was thinking i might stop all my meds and be done with it.

I am over trying all types of meds, then the side effects. And my bloody asthma, having trouble today. i am so over being sick. This is the 5th week of been physically sick with asthma and cough.

i just want to cry 😞

Think i am going to shut myself out of this world for a while. Not coping with anything at the moment. Life is a struggle and I can't deal with any of it. I need to hibernate for a while where I am a nobody, a numb person all alone. i need to veg out and just stare into space. nothing makes sense anymore.

i miss my dad so so much. all i ever wanted was a hug and love. i need to be alone to think about my life and how shit it is.

Hello @BlueBayxx

sending you hugs my friend

@BlueBay

Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way

I know that feeling only too well. Have to try to look happy for my teenage daugter. But am exhausted just thinking about it. I am going to visit my mum for a bit and are then looking forward to coming home. Dont know what I will do. Might just sleep on the couch with my dogs under the ceiling fan. Might play a dvd on fiddle around on pinterest. If you do nothing, dont feel bad about it. Sometimes that is what you need at the time. Am thinking of you and others like us today especially. Hang in there xxxx

Hi @BlueBay

It's a tough day for you - so the best thing is to hide away and try and sleep - or weep if you need to

My opinion - if anyone wants you to cheer up - they are being the Grinch - it is your right to feel as you do on Christmas Day - I know it's no fun feeling so terrible - and it's pretty warm today

I know how you feel about your Dad - and a hug and love - huge gifts - such a pity you can't have them - they are the best - but alas -

I really feel for you today - do whatever you need to - take it quietly and be very private about your time - but drop in and post from time to time

Lots of virtual hugs

Dec

Hi @Decadian

I'm sorry I haven't replied back, i thought I did.

I did have an okay day despite crying a little on my own in the kitchen. My day was filled with eating, swimming at the beach, presents with the kids, swimming again, and doing some mindful colouring. it was a nice day.

But i am struggling this morning. I went for a walk but there are too many people (tourists) around so I quickly got myself a coffee and came home and hiding inside. The weather is humid which is making my asthma worse. And at the moment all i can see in front of me is my damn mum's face. I don't want to see her all the time. now i am crying. i need to go and do something around the house otherwise i may lose it.

I think I live further north than you do @BlueBay but I know about the tourists - I used to live down near the shopping centre north of the river - and even so - went down there one Sunday recently - and it is a lovely beach there - but with all the tourists - I think no matter how you feel tourists can encroach on your space.

I have been a tourist often and it can come the other way too - but as good or as bad as it is - there will be tourists and the locals

Now I live within walking distance of the beach but it's a long walk - I would not be inclined to go there when the tourists are there - I know what you mean

About your Mum's face - there were times when I cried and cried about my mother and still feel confused at times although I am sure I have tidied up the psychological own sh*t as much as possible. Yuk!! - what are you supposed to do about the memories of such people - even after they die - but still - protect yourself - don't hunt your mother down and try again. You have come a long way and trying to see her again would hurt you more - set you back -

But the face - ah - when you find yourself alone draw her face on an old pillow and kick it around the house telling it exactly what you feel

Yes - I know your heart has had a battering. We imagine that if our mother could not love us - who could - but there was something wrong with them as mothers - the failure was on their side

Lots more hugs

Dec

That's the bit @Decadian I am struggling with and don't get. How can she? Why? How dare she abuse me verbally and emotionally? I can't get that part of out of my head. You see I see a mother, any mother, my mother as a loving kind caring person who would love their unconditionally. The amount of times that my brother has done wrong and still she would help him. How many times. I've lost count. Oh but he is the oldest and he is the only son. Well he can go somewhere and rot, i never want to see him.

@Decadian it hurts, I know you know. I just can't comprehend how a mother can do this to a child. I am trying to reason with my mind but it's not working because i am getting angry, frustated and then cry.

To let it be; just let it be as it is - well that's what my new psychologist will work with me on.

Yeah, tourists, they do encroach our little town, but it is good for the businesses and it's only for about 5-6 weeks. Once they leave we can have the beach to ourselves during the week. And it's heaven.

I guess i am just a bit sensitive today, i don't know why.

Oh I keep forgetting to tell you. Can't remember if i told you ages ago that i caught up with my Aunty and Uncle (dad's younger brother). They have a holiday house where I live and we caught up and they were really happy to see me and me too. They were always my favourites. Hubby and I used to visit them all the time before we had kids. I sent my uncle a text on xmas day wishing them a merry xmas and told him i wasn't well and was in hospital. he called me straight away and said they are in Perth with their daughter and their son for xmas. but he said he knows how xmas day would be hard for me and can't understand my mum. he feels sorry for my dad (his brother) too.

We are catching up in a few weeks when they come down and they can't wait to see my children. They haven't seen them for at least 20 yrs. But i sent him a few photos of our xmas day, a photo with all my kids and hubby and Jersey together.

At least i have contact with one relative. If only my mum knew we are talking again she would be so angry with me. But do you know what, I don't care. I am in my 50's and i can talk and see whoever I want to. She can't stop me now. They had a falling out years ago all because of my mum and her manipulative behaviour.

Oh gosh what do I do? How do i live on with this anger of my mum. Sometimes i still have that thoguht where if i did self harm i would go to hospital and my sister could call my parents and i would see my dad. that would be the only way i could see him. But then what if they didn't come and my dad never came to see me??? 😞 😞 😞

@Decadian I so wish we could sit and chat; i know we can't but the thought is there.

xxxooo