not feeling good

It really frustrates me so much when I call my psych to leave a msg that i am not coping. do you think he returned my call? NO. again, yet again he never called back.

i am sick of him not calling me back. he knows i am struggling because i saw him on tuesday.

i am over him and his stupid therapy.

Hi @Former-Member

Nice to 'meet you'. Don't think we have chatted before but I have seen you around.

I am really angry tonight, escalating very quickly. I get annoyed and frustrated because he knows how i am and when he doesn't return my call I feel rejected, abandoned. My BPD behavoiur is not good at the moment and I can't help but feel he doesn't care.

so then i get SH thoughts to 'get back at him'. it's such a mixed up head at the moment;

i haven't really felt calm or relaxed for a very long time.

I can't really eat anything at the moment.

Not coping that good again tonight. 😞

Your psych is a big poohead @BlueBay - that's all I got for ya really...

but as always ...

...sitting on your shoulder (wings still damaged and can't fly so you're stuck with me for now)

Zoe

@BlueBay what you're going through sounds super hard. Feeling let down is something that no-one enjoys at all. Feeling abandoned and rejected - that's massive and I think anyone feeling that way would struggle to cope.

I noticed a little while ago you mentioned your BPD 'behaving badly'. I wanted to say how much I appreciated the way you put that. It was a great reminder to me that MI really is something that can take over when it acts up. I like to think of my MI as if it is that way at least, because then I feel less like there's something 'wrong' with me and more like there's something that kind of tries to (and sometimes does) 'play up'. I'm hoping that makes sense. I feel like I am struggling with words a bit at the moment. Anyway, I just thought I would mention that because it really resonated with me.

@Zoe7yes you're right he is a big poohead (and that is saying it nicely!!!)

@Former-Membereven though i say that 'my BPD is behaving badly it's what makes me angry and hate myself because of my BPD behaviour.

One thing that BPD sufferers hate is abandonment and this is what he is doing. I can't even call him tomorrow now because the rooms are closed, And Monday he doesn't work there so I can't contact him again now until Tuesday next week. Trouble is I am not coping now not next week; i needed to know what i can take. I wanted him to know, it just shits me becuse he has done this so many times before. And each time i have told him how angry i am at him he replies and says 'oh i never received your message'. if he says this again to me I am going to get really angry. because firstly when i rang today the new lady on the desk put me on hold and after 10 mins on hold she never came back so i hung up and rang again. this time she ansered and said i'll put you on hold, but before she did i was angry at her and said no i was on hold for 10 mins and hung up. she then took my msg.

is it just me; am i over reacting?

@Former-Member

Have you been diagnosed with BPD before? when you say labelled do you mean you have it or did in previous years.

Yeah it's very hard, the intensity of rage is higher than 10 atm. I have been abandoned and rejected by my own parents and a few otehr people in the last few years; so to have my own psych not call me - this is how it feels. hope that makes sense.

i can call my psychologist tomorrow and see if she is there but she probably won't say much as she will say it's up to my psych to prescribe meds.

I was given a diagnosis of BPD a while ago @BlueBay, during a stay in hospital. While I have total respect for anything that is helpful for someone, like having a name for their mental illness, I know that for me it doesn't work that way. I much prefer to think of what is happening for me as related to trauma. I do understand and empathise with how big and strong emotions can be, either way.

It is so understandable that certain things can feel like abandoment and rejection, and I guess that comes back to the other point you made earlier. These feelings are just that - feelings. And that in no way is said to minimise how tough they can be. It doesn't mean you have been rejected or abandoned, it means that's how it feels. Does it help to separate both of those, to be able to see that BPD behaving badly makes things appear in a way that perhaps they are not? I don't know if it does, but I am genuinely curious to know what works for you.