Hi @BlueBay
I am so sorry I didn't reply to your posts - I have been so tired since I got back from Lakes Entrance - I have been sleeping a lot and I think this is normal - seeing as we have had a change in the weather and I walked miles every day when I was away - and sitting bolt upright in the train was not good for my spine either
Whatever - I don't mind sleeping but I don't get anything done
I don't know that much about BPD but what I do know is that it is outside your control - you have an illness - and look at it this way - if you had a condition like fibromyalgia you would have bad days - aches and confusion - and it might not attract a lot of attention from the medical profession - it is an invisible disorder - but you would have bad days and days that are not so bad and things would be outside your control yet you would have a reasonable name for it and you could join a website where the people would sigh and say "We understand" - "You have the fibro fog today" etc - and you would be pretty much where you are now but you would have a name people understand - and ordinary people would say - as I can "My cousin has fibromyalgia and she is so young - it's not fair at all"
And this is where you are now but it's BPD and I do not know much about it - except that it is borderline to something else - and you are on the right side of the border of whatever is on the other side but still - it is very uncomfortable to live your life with your moods jumping around all over the place
I remember I did say I would look up something on what is called Revisioning Psychology - and I have thought of this the last couple of days but I have been sleepy - and not a good excuse
But - butbutbut - I have an idea that having sold the house your mother insisted you buy of her has changed something inside you - you have taken a huge step away from her. I have taken such a step myself in the past - more than once and it does leave you feeling as if you have dislocated yourself in some way. It's scary - selling the house means you have done something else to give your mother more to bitch about - so you are a little shattered in your mind.
And as great as it is - your daughter got pregnant before marriage. Few people care about such details these days but that innermothervoice is getting at you - she has more ammuninition.
Well - in my life - one day my mother would tell me to go to work and help my husband - the next she would tell me to stay at home to care for my family - and I did exactly what I was doing - I went to work and I went to university and in the evenings I went out and taught my private students and visited my son and spent as much time with my dd as possible and ignored my ex-h because in fact we were just sharing the house and life went on and I did not see my family for years on end
So how DID I manage that?
I was often in tears - sometimes I was angry and sometimes I was miserable and sometimes I didn't care and my life was busy and I went on with it - and that part of my life was a nightmare as I imagine yours is - and then I would burn out and be in the Melbourne Clinic for a few days and then back on the treadmill - I guess going to university was my saving as was being so close to my dd and there has always been a bright light within me. That might have flickered at times but it never went out.
But I do have some insight into your hell - and now I know this much about mothers
People are who they are - we can only change ourselves and that is hard enough. We can't change other people - that is too hard - and our mothers do have a right to be who they are - but they do not have the right to treat us badly.
Both of us have stayed away so I get it - I understand - so fight on -
Let your mother be who she is - I have told her she will regret it - don't wish her ill - that will not help you and it will not teach her anything. She is a wounded bird but would not want your help and would kick you to the kerb if your interferred. Also - trying to change yourself to be something she would like would not work for you either.
Be yourself
About those dreams and nightmares - this is the negative side of your experiences coming out in scary imagery - I can read about this on the internet - it is something I studied at university - but how much would help you?
I have had these myself - not lately - but this will pass. Things are more tense right now - selling the house is a big deal and left you without a house right now - but you can buy another one or rent and settle down to thinking of your grandchild - what a wonderful thought
One thing I know - counting blessings doesn't help much - I have found counting afflictions more interesting - and it can get you through - you know the blessings
Growth and change hurt - and your condition causes your moods to fluctuate wildly - this is not your fault - no more that my bouts of back pain which can be just as horrible. We learned to live with those things
We can only accept those things we cannot change and that takes wisdom - one thing you are learning BB is wisdom - and that is very painful in the classroom of life - but worthwhile
Lots of hugs - sorry I was not on line enough to read your messages - hopefully I have slept enough for now
Dec
