not feeling good

Dear @BlueBay 🤗💕

You are not a bother to me Bluebay, nor to anyone else here. Its important that you have a place to safely express your feelings, and its good that you feel able to do so here.

You have a week at home now, with no work shifts for another week. Being cooped up at home is not a good thing for you, so its going to be a difficult week ahead for you.

Can you think of some projects that you can accomplish while at home in the upcoming days? You and your D had been doing some sewing I think? How is that going, and are you still doing it?

I agree with you that fights, arguments, and constant bickering between household members can adversely affect you. Its does me too. Any form of conflict is extremely triggering and upsetting for me, as it no doubt is for you too.

Please try to control those self harm urges ... I have confidence that you can do that. As for the Suicidal thoughts ... I know how hard it can be to keep those thoughts at bay sometimes. But we must, because to carry through is the worst possible option for you and all of your loved ones. Go and give little A a big hug now, and remember how much your family mean to you. They may annoy and cause annoyance at times, but I know you love each one of your family household members. I wish I could bring forward the COVID lockdown easing for all those of you in Victoria. But unfortunately, thats not possible, and you must all ride it out. Take heart in that your son will likely move out into his own home as soon as is possible. I agree with you that too many adults under the same roof, can be incredibly trying in so many respects. As our friend @Owlunar likes to say "crowded house" conditions are the pits.

Know that we all respect and sympathise with your predicament BlueBay, and we all love having you around here. Just as @Former-Member @Former-Member @Angels333 have all said. I always look forward to hearing from you, whether it be a good bad or somewhere in between day for you. Never ever belief your wayward thoughts that you are a bother. We all want you here and encourage you to be here as and when you need to be. But know also that if you need professional help, you can always call your GP, your psych or a Helpline.

Emelia 🌸

Hi @BlueBay

I can assure you that you are not a bother here - if you were - you would know it because no one would reply to your posts and they do - with caring and comforting words that show they really find you a worthwhile person - and I care enough to challenge you from time to time and I wouldn't do that if you were a "bother" - what does that mean anyway

With your family - trying so hard to keep it all together is an impossible task - they have to want that for themselves and there is something in having an argument with someone which gets rid of some of the cortisol building up - esp in males - it's stimulating and we all want to have our say and I know what it's like - 5 adults in a three bedroom house is a crowd - and you didn't cause this - two of your kids had moved out and came back of their own accord so I guess they have had time out on their own they are going to have different ideas and this really does affect you

I moved in with my parents when I was pregnant because I was having such a tricky pregnancy and then again when I left my husband and it really didn't work out - and we didn't have a pandemic then - it was really hard being at home - and I do understand it from your point of view too - I like my own space

The only person you have any control over is yourself and you know this - so stick up for your own space and time which you find hard I know - but if your males argue - then why not sit in your car with your music on loud and take time for yourself - you deserve it -

Btw - with your thoughts of self-harm and suicide when are you going into hospital? - imo you really do need that support right now - the coronavirus is really causing you a lot of pressure and discomfort and maybe time away from all of that would be a really good thing for you right now. Does your psyche know how desperate you are feeling right now

And you are not a bother here - is she peeps?

Dec

In the meantime take it easy - it all gets too much for all of us sometimes

No @Owlunar you are quite right ... @BlueBay is never a bother. 😊 I have already tried to reassure her of that earlier, but Bluebay seems to have been off line since this morning. BlueBay I hope you are okay. 💕

Emelia 🌸

Dear @BlueBay ... you've not been around for a couple of days and I'm a little concerned for you, given how you were when you last posted. So I'm just calling in to let you know I'm thinking of you, and hope you're doing better now. Missing you, and reminding you that you are never a bother. 💖

Emelia 🌸

hi @Emelia8 @Owlunar @MDT @Angels333 @Maggie @Shaz51 @outlander and others following

@Whiteknight

I am sorry that i have worried you all. I am ok.

i want to say thank you to each one of you for your kind words, care and support. sometimes i feel that i am 'in the way' of this forum and a real bother to everyone. i sometimes feel that all i write is negative stuff and then i feel judged.

i needed to stay away because it was getting too much. i needed to just sit and regroup my thoughts. I did get help from my GP who is so supportive. he is seeing me weekly for the next 6 weeks. and phone calls in between in need be.

@Angels333 just want to say that what you wrote was not judgemental, it's okay, i did not take offence. I don't know why you got that reply, but anyway thank you for your love and support. i do understand what you are saying xxxxx

to everyone else - thank you. xxxx

i lose my temper, patience and mood goes downhill very fast that i wasn't good.

my house is very chaotic and i feel that i am suffocating. i just get no time.

at least i am trying to continue to walk daily with my D and little A. we go on 'adventures' and she picks up things like leaves, twigs and loves pattingn the dogs we see along the way. and if there's puddles she runs and jumps in the water.

hubby and his OCD is getting to me too. the other night i left the butter out for a few hours and he told me it was stupid to leave it out. i yelled out 'oh sorry i forgot you are perfect and do nothing wrong'

he didn't say anything after that, but of course i was livid with anger for ages

see that's what happens i just can't leave it, let it go.

for something so silly i got so angry.

then yesterday it was my mum's birthday. i did the right thing and called her in the morning, said happy birthday but she was in a rush to go to the shops, so she said she better go. literally a 3 min conversation!!!

i knew she was receiving the flowers but all day no phone call to me to say thanks. i received a text msg from the florist to say they had been delivered at 4pm. but still no call from my mum. about 5.30pm i was getting really angry and annoyed, i was thinking that is rude that she can't call to say thanks.

so i called her and before i could ask her if she did receive (whcih i knew she did) she says oh thanks for the flowers, i was going to call you later'

that's rubbish, she wouldn't call. i know what she's like. it's just rude, you would think that you ring someone asap to say thank you.

and by the way - still nothing said to me for my birthday

i told my sister and she thinks it's crazy that mum didn't call for me. she can't work it out.

anyway, it's over now.

as for admission - i have been on the waiting list for at least 4 weeks now. they have told me as soon as a bed is available they will call me. now i am confused in my head with conflict - do i go or do i not???

part of me is screaming YES, while the other part is saying 'no you can get through this with the help of GP'

i just don't know what to do.

as for work - i have this week off as there are no shifts available. so i have to be very careful that i don't fall backwards with my thinking etc.

as of monday my permanent shfits will be - mond, wed and fri 8-12noon., i can pick up other shifts along the way.

also i am getting a payment now from Centrelink and they have also given us a health care card so this will help a lot.

i also applied for a 'fianncial hardship grant' for the gas and electriicty. it was approved so they gave us $650 into our account. we are now in credit for both. i am relieved but as alwasy it took me to do all the hard work and arrange it.

i think i will try to chat online tonight to sort out my anger and how to control it or let it go.

i better go, hubby has gone to the shops to buy some ice creams.

again, thank you all, i really am grateful to have such beautiful people on here.

@BlueBay You’ve got a lot of big stuff happening in your life. And it’s a tricky time, lockdown, it’s knocking a lot of people around. Why wouldn’t it.

As for saying all you write on here is negative , I must disagree. I have read many positive posts, here and elsewhere. Very supportive and caring. And there will be many I have not seen.

Sending some 💙💙 today. I hope your adventures with D and little A today, bring moments of light and laughter.

Hi @BlueBay

If you feel judged I am sure it's not coming from the forum - you feel judged and that's true as far as feelings are concerned but not really sound - that is really true - we might evaluate you individually but we can't get in corners and gossips here. You are a valued member here and as I said earlier this week you wouldn't draw the responses you get if you were being judged - I would gather that people feel as I do - that you write of your daily battles with unworthiness that has been your discourse for years now and I often think that this is a really hard way to live and a lot of people would not lasted years feeling so desperate with themselves - with other people - family issues - the Crowded House - Huffnpuff with his OCD - work issues and heaven help us - coronavirus and all it's concomitant curves and curses - why not feel dreadful sometimes?

You do rely on other people to build you up though - more than most people I think but we all need to feel cared for sometimes - we can't make it through every day of our lives without feeling loved - though sometimes we have to give ourselves that approval and acceptance.

There's your mother - I think you hit the nail on the head earlier this week when you said you thought your mother might have dementia - she's 80 sure but to me that doesn't seem that old and maybe she is looking for other people to support her more but is that realistic when she doesn't ring other people and then wants to rush off - shopping is suddenly urgent - of she was going to ring you later - I don't know how you would check on this situation yourself with things they are between the two of you - you could talk about this with your sister - it's a good idea to keep in touch with her because she might feel similar things herself - and what can you do if your mother is losing the plot?

Actually what you have written about your mother lately reminds me a lot of my mother who snarled at everyone to get out. I refused to put up with that but I also knew my sister would be taking care of her and she was in a very classy Aged Care facility - I didn't like the place where she was and maybe she was very unhappy but her behaviour did not enhance my desire to visit and this is hardly the way to treat people for any reason. I do understand your feelings on this matter but this is getting late in the day and your mother isn't likely to get any better and all you can control is what you do - not what she does - and that's the truth - I told you I would always tell you the truth.

But what else can you do - or what would you like to change if you could - I know you want to see your father and she stands in the way - I have been there myself and my father wanted to see me alone too and we got that chance - I hope you get that chance - I felt vindicated myself when that day came

I have a good memory and I know that when these lockdown times have passed and some of your kids move out as they need to then you will be battling again with the change - this is your BPD and so my idea would be to prepare for the eventuality - this won't last forever regardless and yes - I am tired of it myself and think a lot of people are - I am sure of it actually - it will be a different world as we pass though the end of it all

It's up to you but the thought of your being cared for in hospital for a time sounds like a good idea - it will get you away from your family in the Crowded House for a while and you can be alone and sort through your thoughts - you are entitled to feel the way you do but it can't be very pleasant - it must be time for you to have time out and professionals agree with you - so I think take the chance as it happens

All the best

Dec

Thanks @Owlunar for your reply. i do understand what you're saying to me.

@Maggie @Emelia8 @MDT @Angels333 @outlander @Faith-and-Hope and others

So i saw this consultant physician at my psych's rooms. He is a nice guy, quietly spoken. He discussed my thyroid and said that the medication is not working according to the blood test results. He ordered another blood test today to see the levels and he will need to adjust my medication. Then he checked my heart and blood pressure. My BP was extremely high the first time; second time high again. so he has given me a script for an added med to reduce the blood pressure.

He listened to my heart and heard my murmur which I've had forever. But now he wants to order an echocardiogram to look at the heart.

I mentioned to him about my near fainting each time I laugh a lot. It's a new thing for me and has been about 6 months. He said it was intererstingn as it could relate to the heart valves leaking. But he told me not to stress until we get these tests done. Most of my symptoms relate to this.

I have made a decision about possible hospital admission. I am NOT going to go.

The reasons are - it does give me a break from home (much needed); but really nothing else. I attend a few group therapy and that's it. i know my GP is not happy with me possibly going in because he says i come out worse. He told me i need to work and stay distracted. and that by me going in all the time is not helping because all i do is ruminate over my mental health.

i have an appt with my GP tomorrow, i will discuss with him before i email my psych/physician. if this new physician needs me admitted for the tests, I will go.

This afternoon i had a phone session with my dietitian. Unbeknown to me it was the last session. He told me that he honestly can't help me anymore. It is my thinking that needs to change and my behaviour. He said i need to take that 'leap of faith' and 'jump' at changing. But i have so much fear of doing that, that it's leaving me very stuck. therefore he cannot help me anymore. i thanked him but i was emotional and he asked how i feel after hearing that. i told him i feel crap, i feel i have let down him and me. i do know what i have to do - but i don't. it's fear.

i have a lot of work still to do.

he said he spoke to my psycholoogist and was saying that i would be good to work as a volunteer in the gym room chatting to patients and helping them with their fitness.

he also said that if i got my mental health under better control in reg to my strong emotions and excessive eatingn that things will fall into place.

for me he said it's not about the weight, the scales at all. it's all abut my mental health and emotions.

so i am feeling down tonight.

Gee I'm so confused now I'm questioning this whole hospital admission. I can't stick to one decision can I