not feeling good

I do understand @BlueBay - I'm sure many people have shadows in their past that haunt their dreams - I do - things I don't want to think about - they are different for everyone

Actually I admire the way you do express yourself - the post I responded to is really well written - I don't think I can share something that happened to me - it's quite different but nightmares - they can and do stir the memories and muddy the waters.

For our own sake we have to find a way past them - this doesn't take the truth that what happened to you was a crime - it was

But you only have this life and I want better for you. I really do

But I am here and read everything you write - you have so many things on your worry-list it's overwhelming you and so exhausting you it's impossible for you to deal with

Start with small things and just two - and refuse to think about more than that -

Life isn't easy for most people and I often wonder if and easy life is worthwhile - so having it tough is a start

Think up two things to deal with - that's achievable

Care heaps

Dec

I need to work in two things - I don't know which ones @Owlunar

today I had group. I saw a lady who was an inpatient when I was in more thsn a year ago. We sometimes would catch up for coffee as we live close by.
The first thing she says to me today is - hi where have you been, you haven't called me for mire thsn 18 minths!!! To which I first got angry and then said - well I lost my MIL then made redundant just before Xmas thsn daughter seperates and comes home. Her response - gee you've been busy!!!!

WTF. I was so angry. I'm not ringing her. She csn if she wants to catch up. I don't have time for people like her. It's not only my fault. She coukd have called.
then instead of only 8-10 people in group we had 12. Far too many. Four new people.
I can't handle big groups so I zoned out most of the group. I think the psychologist noticed.
it's not the same when you have a small group to then go to a bigger group.
glad you got an injection thst helped @Owlunar

hi to everyone @Shaz51 @Maggie @MDT

@Faith-and-Hope

Hi @BlueBay

Flick her - you don't need that women - let her take the space she obviously wants and get on with your stuff

Pick two things you can deal with - some things you can change - worrying about the finances is too hard as is working right now - perhaps getting A too stay in her bed in the morning and keeping Huffnpuff out of your pantry - these make a difference and can be done

The future will get here soon enough and the lockdown will end - in reality we can all only deal with the day-to-day bitznpieces and teach people how we want to be treated

And life will go on

Dec

you're right @Owlunar

i'm not letting this woman in my life. i don't need her.

hubby is being good atm. we had a coffee together the other day when he finished work. i told him that my depression isn't good and that i had spoken to my doctor. he just said that it's ok that we are using the inheritance money as i am not working.

i am not very good this morning. i went into a very deep depression when i saw my doctor this morning. i couldn't look at him once, cried, told him i am not coping. told him about my flashbacks of the abuse and told him how hard it is. he sat there and didn't say a word. not taking my meds and he urged to seriously take my meds. he said i am sabotaging again and that he thinks subconsciously i am doing this to go into back hospital. not sure on that. part of me wants to go back but the other part says why bother.

he told me he was going to call me at lunchtime (which he just did) to check on me. i told him 'don't bother' he said no he would call because he is concerned.

he wanted me to go for a walk with my D and keep a daily diary of things i want to do.

I can't even keep a diary because if I don't complete my list of jobs then I've failed.
I am so bad at the moment.

so now i am home. i have gone for a walk with D and A, had a coffee and sat at the beach for a few minutes. and i have taken my meds much to my hate.

he asked if i took my meds just then to which i said yes for today but not sure for next week. he wants me to contact him on monday.

i called work the other day and they have a few shifts i can do but not for another 3 weeks. now my doctor is concerned i may not be safe in this time.

told him i don't care and don't even want to go to the chemist to pick up my med pack as i hate that guy that owns the shop.

i have no plans for this afternoon. little A is asleep. i really don't care about life, or anything right now.

@Owlunar how are you today? did you manage to sleep ok last night? xxxx

Hi @BlueBay

I hear what you are saying about your medication and I really understand - one of the painkillers I am having right now makes me feel spacey but I need - I definitely know how ambivalent you must feel about yours

I get it about hospital too - it has to be you choice - I know I had waited as long as I could and someone else rang an ambulance and I know I didn't fail and rather than stop your medication it's better to go in - you have been needing this for a long time

I had trouble sleeping last night and not long after I did people needing my BP and other obs - the lights went on and they gave me tablets that I took and breakfast that I didn't - etc - and I felt terrible but I think I am feeling a bit better and I got a stack of magazines to read tonight

I hear that you are feeling really unwell - I have been reading your posts for long enough to know you are exhausted

Dec

thank you @Owlunar

i have made a promise to my doctor that i will at least take my morning meds. he said my night ones aren't as important as the morning ones. so i will try.

i am glad you are been looked after but its a pain when they come around and keep checking BP and other things

chat later, i will come on later. for now i am taking one slow step at a time. xxxx

hi @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Maggie @Maggie @MDT

@Faith-and-Hope and others following

Feeling nothing today

blah is how I feel

Make that 3 @MDT @BlueBay 💙💙