Yes @BlueBay
I think you are feeling sorry for yourself but that's okay - it's neither good nor bad but just is - I think we all feel sorry for ourselves sometimes and that's okay as long as it doesn't become a pity-party - that's being over-indulgent
It sounds like a good idea for you and your husband to get away from the Crowded House and all the kids for a weekend - you have the funds so why not - seeing as we can stay for overnight stays now. But don't worry about intimacy - right now both of you are stressed - just talk - you do need to talk - and besides - having a two-three year old in the room with you is hardly the scene for a love-nest - no. And there are other issues between you to deal with first. Both people should want to be intimate too - not just one person wanting and the other person complying - in my mind - tbh - that's not on - and no way to heal a relationship
He needs that couple's counselling - well - you both do - and he needs to see about his OCD - he's just as helpless with that as you are with your BPD - the problem is in the misunderstandings between you - I wish I had known what I know now when I was married but then - my ex-h wasn't into listening either
Ho hum - marriage can get like that - just when you should be empty-nesting the house is crammed full and we are all in the COVID-19 curse, curve, lock-down, second wave - together and apart
For God's sake let your mother out of your thoughts for now - I can tell you she will most likely live to regret her attitude as the years pass. I saw my mother's regret before she died and she was full of it and imagine living the last years of her life like that - I regret she did but it was out of my control - people make their own choices and I don't know what was up my mother's ..... any more than you know what's up your mother's but the more you try with her the more power she gets - the more it hurts - I know the hard way through my own experience but there it is - not everyone gets on with everyone and you try - and I am so sorry but there it is.
It takes time to get over the operation you had - any operation actually - my shoulder only had an intrusive injection and it bloody hurts today. I went to the supermarket yesterday and my helper did all the reaching and twisting - I just did the looking and choosing and paid for it all and I felt okay but obviously it was too much - I will be okay though - we both have to give ourselves time - I am here alone and no one expects anything - I don't even have my old cat wanting whatever she wanted
And you have a house-full of people wanting this, wanting that, where's the jam, I want my breakfast at 5.30.am - and you have to say no and that's hard for you but yes - we both need to take care of ourselves
There are degrees of good and bad - they are far from absolute - mostly things are in the middle of the spectrum and move this way and that - you are not a bad person nor a failure -
Remember - we are all born helpless - birth must be a terrible experience and it's a good thing we forget. I remember being told to do what ever my parents said and I am happy with my religion but I was told what to vote which rubs me up the wrong way even though I vote whatever I feel like. I resent that my father was so controlling I had to leave school early and really glad I continued my education
Life isn't easy - I wonder if many people at all have a "great" childhood. Mine was actually interesting but not easy - I nearly broke my heart trying to live up to my parents' demanding levels of being the golden first born - I got over it - you can too
I read everything you right - you feel so unhappy so much I just wish I could reach into cyber-space and make it easier for you - but you have to do that for yourself. And it is obvious that many people care about you a lot here - you are loved unconditionally here - and that is a really great thing
Give yourself time and that weekend away sounds wonderful - go next weekend - I would
Dec
