Broken very broken

I try, I try so hard I try to improve myself I try to help anyone, yet still no one likes me no one cares about me and never has it hurts so bad, it seems because I am nice, I don't want to hurt anymore I don't want to be alone anymore. It needs to go away this pain. I ask to much

It's all good when your having a rough time you gotta do what's best for you, as for recently nothing recent one day can be hard a week, hard, a month, harder, a year can be hell when you have recently passed you 37th year you can only see it as what life is empty, no matter what you do, what you say, how much you try to improve yourself no one cares. I don't know what I did to deserve this living death I must have been a monster the worst of the worst. I am sitting hear writing this and crying first time in about 30 years not much 2 tear drops but that's a lot. I just want someone to go through my defences and hug me or something to actually care enough to try but no it's not for me.

It got so painful before that I had to go out into the dark sit in the grass just to shut the pain down, before that I walked about 15 kms half beside the road half along the beach in the dark

I can't adapt to this world this shallow, materialistic, foolish world where people are all about instant self-gratification, substances and f***ing and not any other word other words denote more substance to the act.

About a month and a half back the 37th year of pain passed my parents called me that night but that's all that's the impact I have had in all those years, people don't tend to want to touch me in any way shape or form like I am a leper but contagious

@Redraw

I think you are right not to adapt to such a world.

The only little glimpses of hope and fellowship I experience .. humane connection .. is with and about the deeper things.

I need to go to sleep soon, but also believe 2 tears are important.

Take care @Redraw

This world needs its artists. Its sad that it doesnt always value them .. and then often a bit late.

Not that I am an artist but based on that line artists only count when they die because it limits the amount and therefore feeds the purchasers ego.

i look for depth and substance in people I see so little of substance behind people's eyes nowadays, I can't say there are no good or people of substance I just think most are behind doors and surrounded by rubber walls most likely.

But people don't like me except when I am of convenience easy to use, easy to get rid of, expects nothing,