Broken very broken

I was thinking and discussing with someone tonight some of the things that cycle through my brain, I came to realise that due to several missing elements in my being I will only ever be alone never feeling affection or love from another person. There is no upside, no future, no present, no past just emptiness.................. hmmm not a promising realisation but being that a good chunk of my years have already gone I suppose it has been inevitable for a long time

Talking in here as apposed to the really real world are very seperate things here I can speak somewhat more freely as there is a detachment which is where things like the Internet are a danger/risk no matter what, who or where you are you are not the person outside of here as you are inside, a person in here has a freedom because unless chosen to do so they can not affect us in the outside world so we have a level of freedom and protection in here.

I am always happy to talk to you utopia though in saying that the fact is that the things I say in this kind of space are things that would require a large amount of trust and intimacy in the really real world which creates the question of who would you be talking to (my name) or a figment of my imagination made manifest in a virtual space while they are both me would you be able to recognise one in the other.

What we see is mostly what we are shown I have been known to see more, but the internet provides some a place to hide some a place to be open.

i have seen the difference in people between the two worlds I have seen the lies i have seen the way I am looked on when I show the same honesty.

you can lose a lot of fear online but it doesn't transfer to the outside either.

i have no aggression the key element in interpersonal confidence, I have no major ambition, my social skills are weak at best, I am a sentinel (a sub-class that has no place in the modern world)

Take your time

There is no transgression more destructive to the sentinel than that of betrayal to the point that to see it in movies on TV or books or whatever can render me physically ill, intimate betrayal is the most evil it is involved that I have given what I am, laid my heart bare before her with my hands shaking beneath the terrified muscle, my vulnerability on display at all times to this person first time it cost me my trust and then 16 years then a year ago I was destroyed the same again, my heart can barely beat for fear it me fall prey to such loss again a loss more devestating than death to one such as me a sentinel long since required within society such hypersensitive senses are just pain nowadays.