Broken very broken

In the end I need to accept that it's all my fault, if I were better, if I were smarter, if I were stronger, then perhaps I would have worth, I can improve all I want but it won't matter.

i think there are some people that are beyond improvement the damage they do is irreperable and nothing can make up for it. There is no grey area merely white and black and it's just a question of how deep the individual is, sadly the white area is running out of people.

so I will never have children, so I will never know love emotional or physical, so I will never know the touch of another human being in any way, so I will never know what a true smile is, so I will never know what it's like to be free. In the end I can only blame myself the only constant involved so what do I do I suffer for nothing, I suffer with no one caring and no one even giving me a thought............. so cold..........so dark............so much pain..........I'm scared.

Hi @Redraw

I disagree that there is only black and white, life is not that simple.

I would also like to challange that you will never feel another humans touch...I've witnessed many compasionate responses here on the forums, that while don't meet the strict criteria for human touch, have the ability to touch and resonate with people.

Psychological illness is a chicken or the egg scenario and there is the when or how or why did it start and it can't make other times make sense, and it's a part of me so I must accept that. If it were to go away tomorrow would it alter how people see me would it alter my views on morality and honour and respect.............. no it's also not the reason people use me, it's not why people don't care it just amplifies my internal fight. I can't blame the person throwing the punches but I can accept blame for the situation, I couldn't hate a woman for cheating on me but I can blame myself for not being good enough.

as for black and white it's all in the perception if you see it as simple then that's how it will appear but that's not how I mean it when you look at a canvas or whatever with one side black one side white there is a point where the two join and it's all a question of how deep into whichever side a person goes.

i see and know people are being kind and compassionate here and I appreciate that there is the detachment that creates a prison wall though, senses with me are so heightened it needs to be noted that the experience of presence works on all of them that it can numb the agony if only for awhile, but it's not to be. When looking on this it's good and compassionate but equating it with reality is not so easy because it lacks mass, like a magic trick what's real and what's an illusion

@utopia Accepting such things is not a stretch and is not hard what is hard is feeling it

Can't sleep, not eating, I give up, hope fails me