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Hi guys. Need a bit of guidance. My 48 y.o daughter has recently started drinking heavily. I am in recovery from alcoholism. I do have a bf, he lives interstate, daughter has never met him, but used to email him for guidance when I was sick. I suffered severe depression following a suicide attempt that nearly claimed me. My daughter has become friendly with a female she works with who is older than her. She has recently started emailing my bf trying to force this female on him. He has been ignoring her, trying to be pleasant. Daughter and friend arrived at my home yesterday, drunk. They both took extreme pleasure in informing me that friend of daughters is planning to get together with my bf after Christmas. I realize she is lying, but that doesn't help. Daughter is going to N.Z for Christmas, originally she was going with her hubby, he has left her, so this new friend is taking his place. Bf is aware of all this, I think he realizes how this has hurt me. He keeps advising me to ignore, but it's hard to ignore when it's your kid. My son also now knows, initially I wasn't going to say anything to him. After yesterday, I had no choice. My son basically advised to ignore, DIL said similar. I am trying to, but this hurts as my daughter is lashing out to hurt me as I hurt her when I was drinking. I have no doubts of my bf's sincereity, but what to do, how to deal with this. I suggested to my son that perhaps if my bf told her exactly where we stand as a couple, son reckons that could add fuel. Son seems to think, no matter what bf or anyone says she will turn it round and it will backlash on me. Thier father is dead, he died when daughter was 6, son was 2. Bf is aware there is no father. My ex would be useless. None of my kids liked him, so they wouldnt talk to him. He would also no doubt label my daughter, this she doesn't need. I know she needs help, but like most peopel who suffer depression/alcoholism or any other MI, till she asks for help, she won't accept she needs it. Help
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. I did manage half an hour during the night, but I had an incredibly bad nightmare, hardly surprising. I woke real early, tossed and turned then just got up. I think the fact that I slept a lot yesterday stopped me last night. It's just DIL, sil and me going to visit daughter today. Son has to work, but said not to hesitate to call him. Atm, G really is the last of my worries. I'll contact him when I can think a bit clearer. I think I am running on pure adrenalin and auto-pilot atm. lol.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. I'll be thinking of you and your daughter today. Just keep reminding yourself that she is safe now. And this hospital stay is giving her some rezt and thinking time. Give her your love today. And when you are tired - take some of my love and energy to get you through. She is safe now.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. G wrote to my son and asked how I was, evidently he was concerned he hadn't heard from me. My son (bless him) informed G I was upset over the email I had received when G made the comment about my daughter. G has just emailed me saying he is extremely upset that he said anything to hurt me. He told my son he would never ever hurt me, I was too important and would my son please, please get me to email him. I have just emailed G and informed him his email hurt and I didn't need to get it at that time. My daughter has agreed to sign herself into rehab and see a counsellor. She also said she needs to email G and apologize. I told him this is important for her and I also said while he seldom gets apologies on the forum, this is not the forum, this is someone he is acquainted with. I did tell him while I still loved him, I was hurt, but I'm better now. I said if he still feels the same I would love to hear from him. My daughter has a lot of unresolved issues re: her father' suicide, my parents (particularly) mum's rejection of her. My attempt which she feels partly responsible for. She hugged me today, cried and said she just wants to build her and I up into mother and daughter. I love her dearly and told her.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Sorry for the late reply @pip. Hectic day at the Aboriginal site & organsing artists to display and sell their art at iur Christmas Co-op shop we are opening in town. Brilliant news about your daughter agreeing to go into rehab. That's the best news possible. And how wonderful that she knows she needs to do some work to get well & then create a new & strong mother daughter bond. I could cry. That's beautiful. Good news about G. And because he was worried about you - he contacted your son. As I said before, it's ok to be upset with him. But just take things easy - because he didn't mean to hurt you. He just didn't get it. I don't like to say it's because he's a man. Maybe more like, he didn't think. So, take your time. Always be honest with him. I really can see this relationship growing stronger. Just don't give up on him because he made a mistake. He wouldn't give up on you. Wonderful news about your daughter. I'm sending you a big hug. But I bet it won't be as special as the one your girl gave you today. She is safe
♥♥
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. Many, many thanks for guiding me through. I 'get' what you're saying about G. Men are wired differently and often say something without thinking. You're right about him never giving up on me. He was there when I really needed guidance and understanding. I told him I loved him, always would and would love to hear from him if he still feels similar. No doubt I will hear. I also told him, I never feared losing him over my daughter's toxic friendship with this woman. Her toxic, dangerous friendship with this woman almost cost her, her job and her life. G has a problem with mobile phones. However, I am going to send him my number and let him know if he wishes to ring, I would be happy to talk to him. I would be over the moon to actually speak to him.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. Never give up on good, safe love. Not your love for your kids, your love for G or your love for yourself. I'm off site for the rest of the night. I hope you get a good nights sleep. You must be exhausted. Will talk again on the weekend.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. Had an email from G this morning. Have pulled the pin. His message simply meant my daughter was easily led. I've always known this. he sort of back-handedly apologized and said he never meant to hurt me. He has always praised me as a mother. There was, however, no talk of he loves me, or he regretted not being more supportive. He just said he tried to guide his own sons as they were growing but though you can lead a horse to water etc. I replied thank you, but his email had no consequence because he wasn't telling me something I didn't know. I also told him I realized he did not reciprocate my feelings and I could face this. I repeated that I'm not the broken, depressed, suicidal waif he connected with. I told him that this episode and my stint on jury duty had proved this. I said if he wanted to keep in touch, feel free, but there will be no more 'I love you' talk as it is obviously falling on deaf ears. Yes, I love him, but it is obviously one-sided. I need to care for me and can't let my feelings for him bring me down. If he loves me as I love him (which I now seriously doubt) he will prove it. I'm going to see my daughter today, I think my DIL and sil will be there too.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. I'm sorry he was either not brave enough to be vulnerable and open about his feelings - or he is simply incapable of understanding. Yes you are a stronger different person now. You do what is right for you. Sending my love and energy to your daughter to help her healing. Sending love and hugs to you for extra strength and support.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. Thanks for not saying 'I told you so' with G. I had sort of suspected for some time that the 'love' was one-sided, but didn't want to believe. I believe he does care, but not the way I do. He knew I had feelings, he should have been more honest about what he felt for me. Instead of saying I was his gf and he loved me, it would've been better and more honest to say, yes I care, but only as a close friend, nothing more. The gf/bf situation should never have been encouraged as this was false and misleading. I'm hurt but I'm not as hurt as I could've been, due to the fact I'm not the person he knew. I don't think it was a question of being brave or capable of understanding, I think he thought he was trying to help. Saying what he said, I think, might have been his way of making me feel more positive about my capabilities as accepting feelings. I don't think I'll ever understand men. I thought we were complicated, we've got nothing on these 'strange creatures'.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. It could be that what he offered you, was his love. That that is simply all he has. He may not be capable of any higher love. Which is a shame for both of you. You will get through this. ♥♥
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