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Hi guys. Need a bit of guidance. My 48 y.o daughter has recently started drinking heavily. I am in recovery from alcoholism. I do have a bf, he lives interstate, daughter has never met him, but used to email him for guidance when I was sick. I suffered severe depression following a suicide attempt that nearly claimed me. My daughter has become friendly with a female she works with who is older than her. She has recently started emailing my bf trying to force this female on him. He has been ignoring her, trying to be pleasant. Daughter and friend arrived at my home yesterday, drunk. They both took extreme pleasure in informing me that friend of daughters is planning to get together with my bf after Christmas. I realize she is lying, but that doesn't help. Daughter is going to N.Z for Christmas, originally she was going with her hubby, he has left her, so this new friend is taking his place. Bf is aware of all this, I think he realizes how this has hurt me. He keeps advising me to ignore, but it's hard to ignore when it's your kid. My son also now knows, initially I wasn't going to say anything to him. After yesterday, I had no choice. My son basically advised to ignore, DIL said similar. I am trying to, but this hurts as my daughter is lashing out to hurt me as I hurt her when I was drinking. I have no doubts of my bf's sincereity, but what to do, how to deal with this. I suggested to my son that perhaps if my bf told her exactly where we stand as a couple, son reckons that could add fuel. Son seems to think, no matter what bf or anyone says she will turn it round and it will backlash on me. Thier father is dead, he died when daughter was 6, son was 2. Bf is aware there is no father. My ex would be useless. None of my kids liked him, so they wouldnt talk to him. He would also no doubt label my daughter, this she doesn't need. I know she needs help, but like most peopel who suffer depression/alcoholism or any other MI, till she asks for help, she won't accept she needs it. Help
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. You're likely right that he isn't capable of much more than he offered. I wasn't nasty, I just stated that his comment regarding my daughter being 'easily led' was unwarranted. If I don't hear again, so be it. I'm not wasting my time 'flogging a dead horse'. It would be nice to have a bf, even just for a meal, coffee, companionship. I had told G that, that was all I wanted. I am not interested in a sexual relationship, I never intimated that. He obviously is not interested, period. His loss.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. I also told my son about the email I sent G, so if he contacts my son, M, hopefully he will be able to get G to understand. M is actually rather annoyed that G sent that email too. He understood G was trying to sort out what he said to upset me. Both M and I thought G would apologize and talk about 'us' rather than my daughter. Saw my daughter today, she has decided against contacting G to apologize for what she sees as her part in all this schemozzle. She too thought G would be more worried about me, once he knew my daughter was okay. Seems my whole family (me included) made a mistake in thinking G cared.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. I'm sorry to hear it all happened this way. I'm surprised as well. But I have to say - wow - how much your family is all supporting each other - over your daughter - over G - supporting you. That's so nice to witness.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. Thank you so much for your message. This business with G, I love him so much it hurts. Atm it's almost a physical pain. Talk about 'keeping up appearances' I had to go for tea tonight with son and DIL. Even though they are aware, I still had to smile as though I couldn't care. I don't want to be a 'sad sack' they don't need me looking like my world caved in. My son is quite angry but I didn't say much, he feels G led me on. I'm not depressed as such, I feel stupid for believing his lies and thinking he felt the same way. I'll get over him, but it's going to take time. I have to stay on top for my daughter, she needs me. I'm looking forward to Monday, I'm working, so I need to 'smile' and 'be happy'. I hope G is just as miserable as me, probably not, but I can dream.
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
Hi @utopia. I'm starting to feel better. Still hurting, but nowhere near as intense as before. I saw my daughter today, she is a lot brighter, she has had a session with her counselor and seems more willing to accept she made some mistakes. I told her I loved her and always will. She emailed G, her choice, have no idea what she said, didn't ask. Knowing him he will probably tell her no reason to apologize, as he never gets apologies or thank yous' from his own forum. I just hope he doesn't say anything too derogatory, she doesn't need 'salt' rubbed in. Makes me wonder if no-one acknowledges him on his own forums. I notice on this one, we do get thanked. I used to thank him when he was counseling me, can't remember whether he ever said thanks to me. I'll never forget him, but hopefully tomorrow the sun will shine again.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. It sounds like you have decided this relationship with G is over. I'm not sure if he feels the same or is even aware that it is over. I guess it will be sorted out during the week. I think it's good that your daughter appologised to G. She needed to do that. To help her. And if he wasn't as sympathetic as we would hope - she is in a safe place where she can talk through it. You also need an opportunity to talk through all of what has occurred with your daughter and with G. And yes, you are talking with me. But it might be worthwhile to also talk to your therapist. I think it would be good for you to debrief and make sure that you are on the right track and are safe. Do you know if the hospital will keep your daughter there, until a bed becomes available in rehab?
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. My daughter is being transferred tomorrow. She will stay in rehab for a week, then she goes home, but will continue with her therapist for as long as it takes. I've met her therapist, I'm confident she can help her. My daughter emailed G and admitted she allowed this other woman to 'hit' on him. She apologized for everything. I told her I'd emailed G and told him I was aware my feelings were one-sided. My daughter was upset to think she caused this, she hasn't and I told her so. What happened with G was my mistake because I believed in him. My daughter is not responsible for that, I am. If G contacts me (I left that up to him) I am prepared to talk, but I told him I would never say I love you again. Until I hear from him there is nothing I can do about him. I did tell him I would always love him, but I did not sign off with love. I'm sure G does have feelings, just not the same as me. I had told him I could've used a supportive email rather than the one I got. He had more or less informed me my daughter was 'easily led' and was bound to crash. Talk about stating the obvious. I knew that, didn't need it spelt out.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. When we or our children are hurt - the last thing we need to hear is an 'I told you' type statement. That's the opposite of what is needed. I'm sorry you didn't get that support from G. But I'm so glad your family has rallied around you and your daughter. Yes mistakes may have been made in the past - we all make them - we are parents - non perfect humans - trying to do the best we can at the time. Somewhere along the line - you have raised children who show love and support. Take credit for this. This is where you get to see the great things you installed in them. I'm so happy your daughter is off to rehab tomorrow. It won't all be smooth sailing. Tears will still fall. But she does sound strong and ready to really make a go of this. I think she is going to make it. I think she is about to start a new journey - a better life for herself. And that means a better, closer relationship for you all. That is something worth celebrating. I'm so happy for you. ♥♥
In response to: Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@utopia. I have no doubts there will be many tears and recriminations along the way. I have always tried to 'be there' for my kids. As I said to G, we try our best, but unfortunately, we can't wrap them up in cotton wool. Her and I have talked, she asked about her dad's suicide, that is part of what's been wrong. There is also my parents rejection of her when she was born, and after her dad and I parted. I told her today, anything she wants to know, if I can tell her, I will. But she needs therapy to help face up to her problems with alcohol and drug use. I told her there is nothing to fear, I am with her every step. Her kids saw her today, she has 3, one is married with a child of his own. He only found out after she was admitted to hospital. She needs support and love. Her youngest had left with her dad, they have reunited. So far she has responded favourably, here's hoping. She is eating too, she initially couldn't keep anything down, but she has since resumed eating. I'm just hoping if G does respond to her email, it will be supportive. I don't care if he doesn't email me. I will see my daughter possibly Tuesday as she is being transferred tomorrow and I'm working. She has my mobile if she wants to talk.
In response to: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Not sure, came under heading of Dambuster.
@pip. Your daughter will find her inner strength. And she will fight her addiction & get the therapy she needs. Sounds like a healing day & an emotionally draining day. Be sure to look after yourself.
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