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I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 4:47 pm AEDT

I'm back

Hi @NikNik @pip @Decadian@utopia@Faith-and-Hope@Former-Member@Shaz51@Former-Member @CherryBomb @Silenus moderators and friends

I knew i wouldn't last!! I need you all. who was i kidding. Hubby and I went camping for 4 days and we argued so much about how to put the tent up, which post to use, wrong post, right post, etc etc etc

I couldn't read my book that i bought because he kept talking to me. At the end i gave up. We did walk around the perimeter of the caravan park which took 1/2 hour (huge park). I managed to swim which that gave me some peace and quiet for a little while.

We just snapped at each other most of the time. And when we didn't snap we sat and hardly spoke. he is the type of guy that doesn't say much but i noticed even in the car driving up (3.5 hours) he wouldn't start a conversation. So i just looked up facebook and read the paper, or fell asleep.

The weather was beautiful (25-30 every day). But i realised that i need space to myself. We are home now and he is washing the car, I have just put a load of washing on. the kids survived without us and actually not even keen to see us 😞

My mental state is not that great. The CAT team rang me on saturday to make sure i was okay and asked about my sleeping. The psych i saw gave me some sleeping tablet but i am still adjusting and don't like the drowsiness it causes the next day. I did call them again on sunday afternoon but they had to transfer me to the place that i went to and i sadi no don't worry as hubby was coming back to me anytime and i couldn't speak while he was there.

I have an appt tomorrow to see the CAT team psych again, i also have an appt to see my own psych in the afternoon. it will be interesting to see what he has to say abut me seeing the CAT tem psych.

I knew i wouldn't last being off here, i just needed to tell someone about my weekend. And as for intimacy and sex - well there is none. And it's prob my fault because i told him last time in hospital back in July that i wasn't interested. which is still true but i am sure he would like to.

I feel like a failure for not being able to stay away from this forum, i always have good intentions, set myself a goal but never go through with it. that's where i see myself as a huge failure.

anyway, just thought i would say hi to everyone and that i have missed you all even though it's not even a week. how patethic is that.

222 replies

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In response to: I'm back

utopiaSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 8:01 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

@BlueBay. I had a CT scan booked for yesterday - to look at my brain and spine. But I had to cancel it.
Tuesday night I rushed to Melbourne where a good friend - I call her my 'other mum' - was in ICU. I got to see her 3 times and say everything I needed to (if that is ever possible) & meet her family. Unfortunately, we are now waiting for her to pass away. We just hope it is a beautiful and peaceful journey for her.
So I'm not really logging into this site at the moment. And I may be away for a little while. I'll just play it by ear.

In response to: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 8:21 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey @BlueBay. Never apologize for being angry. You are hurt, frustrated and feel incredibly alone, also betrayed by psych and hubby. Perhaps a well-phrased letter explaining how BPD makes you feel would be a start. If, as you say, he is inexperienced dealing with BPD, perhaps you could ask him for a referral to a psych who deals directly with this. BPD is a pretty specialized field and requires more knowledge and understanding than marriage problems or PND. Get your psych situation sorted before you deal with your marriage, sadgirl. When you're feeling the way you do, other problems seem worse. I'm not saying for one minute you don't have valid problems with marriage, but you need to feel right in yourself before you tackle your problems with hubby. He could 'turn off' if he thinks you're ranting or throwing a 'tantrum'. Men can't handle what they refer to as 'hysterical' women. They are not 'wired' for what they call our 'emotional outbursts'. Thinking of you.

In response to: I'm back

Shaz51Senior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 8:36 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hello @Decadian

You are totally right my friend xx

off to work now , but will be back ,

I think I need to change my thinking xx

see you soon

In response to: Re: I'm back

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 8:44 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Oh no @utopia .... so sorry to hear your news ....

Go gently with it all ...

Thinking of you ....

❤️💐💕

Good morning @BlueBay @pip

In the same sort of way you can "have a day", just go through the motions of the day and get yourself to the other end of it when things are not particularly good, I believe you can "have a relationship" that way too .... when there is a priority like an mi that needs attention, then other things, like the relationships, need to be parked up for a while.

When emotions are in turmoil, there are specialists and medicTions adjustments and hospital visits involved along with the day to day operation of a family home, that is not the time .... probably ... to be making any far-reaching decisions, which includes sorting out the marriage. You're not on an even playing-field, and the mi may mean that you never actually are, but hen you have to try to choose the flattest and least chaotic playing-field that you can so the marriage can be given proper attention regarding problem-solving.

So ... how do you "have a marriage" until things calm down ? You need to be polite to each other, but nothing more. You go through the motions of house-sharing and family and finance management, but you create a boundary which says you will try to be the least reactive towards each other as possible, excuse yourself from each other's company if either of you are being a bit narky, and try to simply keep the peace. It's not a long-term resolution, but it is the sort of strategy you apply with siblings that are not getting along in the moment. If the focus is on politeness, it can be do-able.

Its just a suggestion @BlueBay, to try to help you to calm down the outer aspects of your life so you can concentrate on getting the help and support you need for your mi situation.

Higs ....

❤️🌷💗💐💕💜🍒🌹❣

In response to: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 9:14 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey @BlueBay. I'm okay, have to sort out some personal shit, but not to worry. My online bf upset me as did my daughter. They say it comes in 3's, mine was 2, that's 2 more than enough. Bf is back, his choice, daughter is receiving care and bf is supporting me so I can't complain. It's easier for me to focus on helping you than facing me right now. Sometimes it would be so easy to 'divorce' our emotions, unfortunately we can't, so when we hurt, we really hurt. Btw, have just been informed by bf, men DO cry too. sadgirl, this may mean your hubby needs your support and doesn't know how to ask. You need him, and he needs you. Once you get your psych sorted, talk to hubby, yes write him a letter. Get you sorted first though. You're important, he can wait a while or get some help too.

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 9:57 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey guys
They can't find the mirena. It's missing. I'm so scared and worried. My GP says oh you prob got rid of it. No way I would have noticed. I'm stressing big time.

In response to: Re: I'm back

pipSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 10:48 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hey@sadgirl. I think you should demand immediate action on this. If it has dislodged you could be in trouble. Did they x-ray, how do they know it's 'missing'? They're quite small, they have been known to dislodge. The Dr inserted it, I presume, he's the only one who could remove it. Make the Dr take responsibility, he would've had to 'okay' it. Tell him you're scared, don't let him 'fob' you off.

In response to: I'm back

DecadianSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 11:23 am AEDT

Re: I'm back

Hi @BlueBay

You are in a bad place right now - so what to do?

I don't know about writing a letter to your psyche in anger is a good idea - he knows you are angry - maybe he is at the end of his tether right now too - they call this time of year the "Silly Season" for a good reason.

So my guess is that it's not just you - it's a bunch of patients right now

But for you - gosh - I think if it was me I would be going to a public hospital and telling them what has been happening and you have been getting the run-around and you need to be in hospital right now and get them to find you a place - you have private insurance so maybe a completely different psychiatrist is what you need

You are in crisis right now and need help right now and being told there is a queue of people ahead of you is not going to help you right now

I have no experiences is IUDs but I am guessing that a mirena is one of those - and the idea is that it is displaced - actually I can only suggest now is not the time to be intimate

Or speak urgently to your GP - and tell him that you are at the end of your tether - and beg for his help - he seems to be good

But you in such a bad place right now I don't think it's a good idea to be alone - you do need help

I can't imagine what it's like living inside your skin right now - you have sought help from a lot of different agencies over the last few weeks - pick up with some one there - I know what you got from the CAT team over the weekend - but try again - and take the suggestions they give you -

We care about you here - but we say conflicting things to you too - and everyone means well

Lots of hugs

Decadian

In response to: I'm back

BlueBaySenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 1:00 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

I don't know what to do anymore. It's all too hard. Just checked my appt with psych can't get in till 13 dec. that's just too long. But they will put me on waiting list. I'm changing. I'm over him.

In response to: Re: I'm back

DecadianSenior Contributor17 Nov 2016, 2:27 pm AEDT

Re: I'm back

It's gets really hard @BlueBay

When you say you are changing do you mean you are going to a public hospital to tell them how bad you are right now and ask for some help there - because you have private insurance they will find you a private hospital and taking that path might - MIGHT - get you help faster

Or they might lean on your psyche - I can't understand why he is being so arbitarary with you - sure - rules is rules but you have been battling for months

I am so worried about you - and that's okay - I can be worried without losing my own way - but this is how concerned I am for you right now

It is so hard to know what to do - in this day and this century I seem a fairly calm person - this was not the case when my son was alive - I was often in a pure sweat - unable to sit still and crying and anxious - so I know what the inside of the box is like - or rather - what the inside of mine was

Keep battling - I will check in later

Dec

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